Nathaniel Branden's Self-Esteem Every Day

[Kat]

May 6 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Taking on responsibilities that properly belong to someone else means behaving irresponsibly towards yourself. You need to know where you end and someone else begins. You need to understand boundaries. You need to know what is and is not up to you, what is and is not in your control, what is and is not your responsibility.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

May 7 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you are an adult, you are responsible for your life and well-being. No one owes you the fulfillment of your needs and wants; no one is here on earth to serve you. If you respect the principle of self-ownership, you understand that no one else owns you and that you do not own anyone else. Only on this understanding can there be peace on earth and good will among human beings.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

May 8 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you want the cooperation of others in the pursuit of your goals, you must appeal to their interests and needs; you must offer them values of some kind; your wants per se are not a claim on anyone.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

May 9 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you choose not to live self-responsibly, you count on others to make up your default. No one abjures self-responsibility on a deserted island.

[Kat]

May 10 – Self-Esteem Every Day

You are responsible for the level of consciousness you bring to your activities—whether driving your car, listening to your child, talking to a customer, reading a book, or choosing your spouse.

[Kat]

May 11 – Self-Esteem Every Day

The first act of self-responsibility is the choice to think.

[Kat]

May 12 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Thought is not infallible; it can lead to error. If we act on our error, we may suffer pain or defeat. And it will be our responsibility, our "fault." If we act on our own judgment and are mistaken, we cannot reasonably pass the buck to anyone else. Whereas—and this is the great temptation for some people—if you forego independence and let others decide, the error or disaster is not your responsibility, and you are not to blame (or so you will tell yourself). You are off the hook. So here is one of the great choices and challenges of life. Self-responsibility is for grown-ups.

[Kat]

May 13 – Self-Esteem Every Day

A policy of independent thinking can bring us in conflict with the opinions of others, and then the question becomes, what matters more to you: your own perception of reality or someone else's approval? If this is not a spiritual issue, what is?

[Kat]

May 14 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you accept the principle of self-responsibility, you recognize that the achievement of your happiness is no one's task but your own. In a love relationship, you will have the opportunity share your happiness, not have someone who is there to "make" you happy.

[Kat]

May 15 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you do not grow into proper independence, never learn to think for yourself, there is a void within you. Your need for knowledge remains, as does your need for guiding principles of action. Inevitably, you turn to others to fill these needs. You feel, wordlessly, that you do not know, that others seem to know; somehow they have plumbed that mysterious unknowable: reality. Therefore, if others are favorably impressed by you, then you must be a worthy person. You feel, what other standard of self-esteem can there be? So others hold your sense of worth in their hands.

[Kat]

May 16 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Nothing is more common in irrational moments than obliterating your awareness that you have chosen to do what you are doing; you regard the action as if it was somehow happening of its own accord. Do you want to grow in self-esteem? Own your actions. Take conscious responsibility for what you are doing while you are doing it. For example, while you are sleeping with someone you would be ashamed to be seen with, do not tell yourself, this really isn't me. Or when striking your child, do not tell yourself, I am not myself. You will learn there are actions you are unable to permit yourself once you take full responsibility for doing what you do.

[Kat]

May 17 – Self-Esteem Every Day

As regards fear of others' disapproval, the problem is not that you want to be liked. Who does not prefer being liked to being disliked? The problem is where this desire stands in your hierarchy of values. Does it stand at the peak, above integrity and self-esteem? The issue is not whether you want to be liked, but what you are willing to give in exchange. Are you willing to give up the integrity of your judgment? The tragedy for many people is that their answer is yes. I call this a tragedy because so much suffering is traceable to this surrender.

[Kat]

May 18 – Self-Esteem Every Day

The more you surrender to the fear of someone's disapproval, the more you lose face in your own eyes, and the more desperate you become for someone's approval. Within you is a void that should have been filled by self-esteem. When you attempt to fill it with the approval of others instead, the void grows deeper and the hunger for acceptance and approval grows stronger. The only solution is to summon the courage to honor your own judgment, frightening though that might be in the beginning.

[Kat]

May 19 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you take the position that your happiness is primarily in your own hands, you give yourself enormous power. You are not waiting for events or others to make you happy. You are not trapped by blame, alibis, or self-pity. You are free to look at the options available in any situation and respond as wisely as you can.

[Kat]

May 20 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you operate self-responsibly and something goes wrong, your response is not, "Someone's gotta do something!" but rather "What can I do? What possibilities for action exist? What needs to be done?"

[Kat]

May 21 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you embrace self-responsibility not merely as a personal preference but as a philosophical principle, logically you commit yourself to a profoundly important moral idea. In taking responsibility for your own existence, you implicitly recognize that other human beings are not your servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of your needs. They do not owe you "service." This means you are not entitled to treat other persons merely as means to your ends, just as you are not a means to their ends. You are not entitled to demand that others work and live for your sake, just as you do not live and work for others. Morally and rationally you are obliged to respect everyone's right to self-interest, just as they are obliged to respect yours. This common understanding is the base of civilized relationships.

[Kat]

May 22 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Blaming is a dead end. What is needed is to focus on solutions, discovering your own resources and mobilizing the will to use them.

What are you willing to do to make your life better?

[Kat]

May 23 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Young persons are more likely to learn self-responsibility from adults who exemplify it in their own behavior.

[Kat]

May 24 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Young persons are more likely to learn self-responsibility from parents and teachers who expect and require it.

[Kat]

May 25 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Aside from cases of violent coercion, as when someone points a gun at you, you are responsible for your reactions. No one "makes" you enraged to the point of turning violent. No one "makes" you become sarcastic and abusive. No one "makes" you do things you are ashamed to take responsibility for.

[Kat]

May 26 – Self-Esteem Every Day

The paradox is that learning self-responsibility leaves you feeling lighter, not heavier, since now your life is in your own hands.

[Kat]

May 27 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Some popular ways of avoiding responsibility are pretending to be confused; reaching for an alibi; blaming and crying, "But that was not in my job description!"

[Kat]

May 28 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Self-respecting men and women think about the consequences of their actions—and are willing to take responsibility for them.

[Kat]

May 29 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you want to learn self-responsibility, meditate on this Spanish proverb: "Take what you want," said God, "and pay for it."

[Kat]

May 30 – Self-Esteem Every Day

It is true that sometimes people are hit with adversities beyond their control. But those so affected are better helped when they awaken to the resources they do possess than when they are told they haven't any.