Nathaniel Branden's Self-Esteem Every Day

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 11 – Self-Esteem Every Day

When you learn to “forgive” (though there is nothing to forgive) the child you once were for what he or she didn’t know, or couldn’t do, or couldn’t cope with; when you understand and accept that that child was struggling to survive as best he or she could—then your adult self is no longer an adversary of your child’s self. One part of you is not at war with another part. Then you enhance your inner harmony—and therefore your self-esteem.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 12 – Self-Esteem Every Day

An attitude of basic self-acceptance is what an effective psychotherapist tries to awaken in a person of even the lowest self-esteem. This attitude can inspire an individual to face whatever he or she most dreads to encounter within, free of self-hatred and self-repudiation that can sap the will to live. It entails the declaration, I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist. This is a yet deeper level of acceptance and the acceptance of some disturbing thought, feeling, or action. This is where self-esteem begins.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 13 – Self-Esteem Every Day

You cannot forgive yourself for an action you cannot acknowledge having taken.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 14 – Self-Esteem Every Day

When you fight a block or a resistance, it grows stronger. When you acknowledge, accept, and experience it fully, it begins to melt.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 15 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Self-acceptance entails the idea of compassion, of being a friend to yourself—of trying to understand where you are coming from when you did something of which you are now ashamed.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 16 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Self-acceptance is quite simply, realism. That which is, is. That which you think, you think. That which you feel, you feel. That which you did, you did.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 17 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Some people think it is a virtue to disown parts of themselves of which they disapprove. But they only mire themselves in those parts forever. They have cut off the only means of growth or transformation.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 18 – Self-Esteem Every Day

There is a physical aspect to self-acceptance, just as there is to self-rejection. Watch a child fight to not feel what he is feeling. He tightens his chest and constricts his breathing. That is also what adults do. When you deny and disown, the first thing you do is stop breathing. When you accept, you relax and breathe—you open, you do not shut down.

[Kat]

April 19 – Self-Esteem Every Day

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Wow, right now you are really feeling mad at Grandma! Want to tell me about it?" The parent is teaching self-acceptance. In a moment or two, the child's anger will most likely be gone.

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "What a terrible thing to say! You don't mean it! What's the matter with you?" The parent is teaching repression, self-rejection and self-alienation. The anger is driven underground to fester.

[Kat]

April 20 – Self-Esteem Every Day

In one of his books, the philosopher Nietzsche has a wonderful line that bears on the issue of self-acceptance. It goes something like this: "'I did it,' says memory, 'I couldn't have,' says pride and remains inexorable. Eventually, memory yields."

So, paraphrasing, "I feel it," says perception. "I couldn't be," says an insecure self, "I'm not that kind of person." Perception answers, "My mistake."

[Kat]

April 21 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Your liabilities pose the problem of inadequacy; your assets pose the problem of responsibility. Both can tempt you into self-disowning.

[Kat]

April 22 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Suppose you feel you cannot accept some fact about yourself. Then own your refusal to accept. Own the block. Embrace it fully. And watch it begin to disappear.

The principle is this: Begin where you are—accept that. Then change and growth become possible.

[Kat]

April 23 – Self-Esteem Every Day

I once heard a wife, in a moment of great anger, say to her husband, "Right now I feel that I hate you." I was filled with admiration of the precision of her language and the consciousness she retained under stress. What a difference between saying "Right now I feel that I hate you" and simply saying "I hate you." She did not deny her emotion—she honored her anger—but she did not forget that she loved this man or that their relationship transcended this one moment.

[Kat]

April 24 – Self-Esteem Every Day

It is very difficult to accept in others emotions you cannot accept in yourself.

[Kat]

April 25 – Self-Esteem Every Day

The motives you disown in yourself you will project onto others.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 26 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Sometimes you complain that others have rejected you, oblivious to the fact that you have rejected them.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 27 – Self-Esteem Every Day

If you fully accepted what you think is the darkest side of yourself, in the end you would love yourself more, not less – and you would deserve to, because you would no longer be fighting reality.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 28 – Self-Esteem Every Day

It is easier to accept your impulses if you know you do not necessarily have to act on them. You exercise judgment. You make choices.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

April 29 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Often you begin disowning pieces of yourself to win someone else’s approval; then you continue the process to win your own. You immortalized those who would not accept you as you were by giving their perspective permanent residence within your psyche. It is time to reclaim your disowned self.

[Kat]

April 30 – Self-Esteem Every Day

Daily work at self-acceptance is a challenging spiritual task. This is one reason it is so rarely done. But if you have the self-discipline to persevere, you will discover that true self-acceptance is the opposite of, and much harder than, any self-indulgence. It is a path to enlightenment.

[Kat]

May 1 – Self-Esteem Every Day

One characteristic of children is that they are almost entirely dependent on others. They look to others to fulfill most of their needs. As they mature, they increasingly rely on their own efforts. One characteristic of successfully evolved adults is that they learn to take responsibility for their own lives—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. This practice of self-responsibility is one of the pillars of self-esteem.

[Kat]

May 2– Self-Esteem Every Day

In a world in which we are exposed to more information, more options, more philosophies, more perspectives than ever before, in which we must choose the values by which we will live (rather than unquestioningly follow some tradition for no better reason than that our parents did), we need to be willing to stand out on our own judgment and trust our own intelligence—to look at the world through our own eyes—to chart our course and think through how to achieve the future we want, to commit ourselves to continuous questioning and learning—to be, in a word, self-responsible.

[Kat]

May 3– Self-Esteem Every Day

If you wish to be self-responsible, you must be willing to make yourself the cause of the effects you want rather than hoping or demanding that someone else will "do something" while your own contribution is to wait and suffer.

[Kat]

May 4 – Self-Esteem Every Day

When you are self-responsible, you recognize that you are the author of your choices and actions.

[Kat]

May 5 – Self-Esteem Every Day

"I couldn't help it!" seems to be the most popular theme song of our day. It echos the pronouncements of many of our social scientists that no one can help anything. Apart from the fact that this belief is false, it generates incalculable harmful social consequences. The abandonment of personal accountability makes self-esteem, as well as decent and benevolent social relationships, impossible. At its worst, it becomes a license to kill. If you want a world that works, you need a culture of accountability.