Dodger Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 (edited) (The lines in {} I dont like well, and I think it is out of place with the theme, but I put them there for symmetry. I may put something else in its place later)For all of the time that I have spentLost, alone, and often bentForward I will press until the horizon Sinks under the passing--views I've forgotten. Falling faster into the night sky, I dream of a place where I am alive Able to speak and able to share, All of these thoughts--in bitter despair. Too many faces for me to remember Harder to think with this curious ember; Burning inside of my inner dimensions, Spreading so slowly--I'm losing my vision. Further behind; I seem to keep falling, Into this darkness--steady I'm calling: Calling out for those who will listen Those who will know of my hopeless condition. I wonder at times why I am so broken, Falling alone--nothing is spoken; Why is it that you remain quiet, While my soul breaks in a desperate riot? {I know that you hear me, but I am not certain, Of where I may find you--Ill pull back the curtains Those that keep you clear out of sight And then you will see me--in undeserving light.} Take me apart and spread out the pieces See what I am as my eyesight decreases: Maybe then you could stop me from falling Catch me in your eyes that are so delightfully haunting. I hope for the day when we finally meet, Together with you I would finally sleepBut until you are mine I can only dream, That soon you will catch me--this is my theme. Edited April 21, 2007 by Dodger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BAMF Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 Absolutely wonderful, Mitchell. It's like you read my mind when you wrote this. More later.If you've written any more poetry, please do post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodger Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 Absolutely wonderful, Mitchell. It's like you read my mind when you wrote this. More later.If you've written any more poetry, please do post it.Ive written much more. It is a hobby of mine to write poems and songs. Can you do me a favor?Which stanza particularly jumps out at you, and why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BAMF Posted April 22, 2007 Share Posted April 22, 2007 Excellent. I'd love to read the rest. I'm sending you a personal message about that particular stanza. I'd rather not share something so personal here...so hey, I'll use personal messenger. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodger Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 Seems no one else is interested in creative writing.Ah well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodney Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 To focus on mechanics, the last two lines in many of your stanzas do not rhyme. (For example, falling and haunting.) For a rhyme, you need to include the stressed syllable and everything after it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodger Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 To focus on mechanics, the last two lines in many of your stanzas do not rhyme. (For example, falling and haunting.) For a rhyme, you need to include the stressed syllable and everything after it. Good point, and it wasnt intended to rhyme perfectly. I merely used the mechanics of rhyme as suggestive rather than law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodney Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 OK. I thought you might be doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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