Addiction and Gratitude

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Addiction and Gratitude

It's been a while since I have written about addiction.

Let's look at gratitude through that lens for a minute, shall we?

Gratitude is one of the strongest ways out for addicts that I have come across. It's not the whole answer. Instead, it's a portal your mind goes through for you to be able to reframe the cravings and depression. That's how it has worked for me. That's how I managed to stop my addictions--I started with gratitude.

 

I remember when I finally gave up crack cocaine in São Paulo. I found work in a video company, Continental Home Video. The owner, Edelvan Lourenço, was nuts, ex-military, and really loud. What's more, he was a control freak. So rather than have separate rooms for his employees to work, he had one big room with desks scattered about, mostly against the walls. That way, he could get in the middle of the room, sound off to the small group around him, and everybody had to pay attention to him no matter what they were doing.

I remember when I asked to work there, I took him aside to the editing room (at least that was separate) and told him I was leaving addiction to crack and it was kicking my ass. But I was going to beat this sucker. We had just met. And I said if that was a problem for him, we could part ways that minute and not waste each other's time. But if he wanted to give me a chance, now was the time because I was cheap at the moment. He looked at me and stared for a long minute in silence. Then he said, "You scare me."  

We worked out a deal, though. He told me one relapse and I was out of there. To me that was fine.

Now, how does gratitude fit this situation? Well, I never relapsed, but not because of Lourenço's condition. I was not afraid of losing that job. I had an ape on my back and that ape was my problem. I did not relapse because of gratitude.

As a kind of advisor and assistant (the company dealt mostly with English videos), I had to spend a lot of time listening to Lourenço hold court. And did I say he was loud? He was also aggressive and accused people of all kinds of things all the time.

For an addict, that was an extreme situation. Talk about inducing anxiety. And he loved to twist guilt feelings in others. But I tuned it out. As I would be there with everyone listening to him and see the surroundings, sometimes the craving started up and the world would spin.

Rather than fight it, or say anything, I would leave no matter who was speaking, even if they were in the middle of a sentence. I had noticed a sofa in the only small hallway in that big room that provided any kind of privacy. I even remember the rubber tree beside the sofa. I would sit down, take a few deep breaths, clear my mind--or better, try to clear my mind since it was loaded with craving, then send blasts of gratitude to "The Great Out There" just for existing.

I asked for nothing. I was just grateful to be alive, grateful for all of it.

As a nice note on top, to Lourenço's credit, he never badgered me when I walked away. Nor did he ask what I was doing.

 

I came to this gratitude practice by thinking through my position in the universe as a human being once I decided to give up crack for real. I noticed that the universe was enormous, much bigger than I would ever experience, and it was smaller, so micro that I did not know how to experience it. I attached the term "Higher Power" to that and realized that whatever was in charge of that, be it force or god, it was in charge of me in the sense that it created me since it created life. I did not create it.

I did not want to put 12 step thinking to this conclusion, so I replaced "Higher Power" with "The Great Out There" in my own mind and that is where I sent my blasts of gratitude.

And what was the result when I did these blasts while working for Lourenço? Sitting on that sofa, as I focused my mind, heart and soul on these blasts, the cravings would dissipate. It generally took about 5 minutes when I started doing that. At the time I left Continental, somewhat over a year later, it would take about 2 minutes for the cravings to go away.

And when they went away, I would get up from the sofa and go back to the honking.  

 

After I discovered that, I started doing those blasts of gratitude each morning when I got up.

By accident, I once saw a Rosicrucian book lying around in the house of a band member I was producing (it was his grandfather's), and I flipped through it. The book suggested drinking a full glass of water when you wake up. I liked the idea and I wedded the two practices. So that is what I do each morning. I drink a full glass of water and I send a silent blast of gratitude to The Great Out There. The trick is not to ask for anything, not even alleviation of pain. I send gratitude for all of it. That frame always sets me right for the morning.

 

When I started my Writing Journal, I was having difficulty with learning to love revision. So I started writing out a passage of gratitude with each Entry.

I mentioned this in a couple of places.

On 4/4/2023 at 7:21 AM, Michael Stuart Kelly said:

I also start each entry with an expression of gratitude to The Great Out There for making me in such a form that I can do things like this to improve myself. Gratitude for all of it, not just the success.

and

On 4/11/2023 at 9:33 AM, Michael Stuart Kelly said:

I always start my Journal entries with an expression of gratitude to the Great Out There. I used to hate revision, even after I started writing in my Journal. (Remember Gail Wynand writing stuff and never having to revise? Lil ole me read that years ago and said I wanted to be just like that, Har-dee-har-har. How did that work out for ya', genius?  )

To fix my aversion to revision, I tried something out and it worked. I started expressing gratitude in my Journal every day for being able to revise in addition to write. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with revision.

Nowadays, when I write out an expression of gratitude to The Great Out There--it's usually from 50 to 100 words--there is a part that is always the same and a part that I always vary, even thought the substance is the same. I do this because all things sticky in the mind need something familiar wedded to something new.

The results are so impressive in my writing, I cannot recommend this practice, or something similar, enough.

 

Also, I discovered a new truth by consistently making these blasts of gratitude to whatever is out there. Not only does it serve as a mental portal to go through to help cure addiction, it is one hell of a growth provision. Sort of like sunlight and water are to a plant.

If you are an addict, my advice is to find your own gratitude routine and do it every day, or several times a day. Do you believe in God? That's fine. Or do you just have awareness that some force is greater than you but you don't know what it is? That's fine, too. Do you want to call it reality and leave it at that? Hell, that's fine.

Just find something to be grateful to for your own existence as you exist--the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. On that level, you are fine as you are, so be grateful for it.

 

Now to the beautiful thing that prompted me to write this post. I never heard a song express my personal conception of gratitude as well as the song below. The music is just OK, happy music, but the words are perfect. (Replace "Lord" if you don't like the word--the concept is the same in this context.) This is what I mean by gratitude.

However, I did not start my gratitude journey thinking the day was so beautiful (to me, beauty is the grace that comes from gratitude). But I gave it a shot anyway. Every day.

Now all my days are beautiful.

With no drugs or addictions.

Enjoy...

 

Michael

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Incidentally, if that music seems too simple or religious or whatever, that's OK.

Don't listen to it. It speaks to me, though.

And do goody-goody Christians listen to this thinking about the Christian God?

I guess. If I were them I would.

But that's not the value I get from it.

I get gratitude on a metaphysical level and it is all-encompassing.

There's an easier way to say this: Thank you for everything, all of it.

Do it right and a soothing warmth comes into your chest.

 

I learned from experience that the more you complicate addiction and gratitude, the more you do not get the results you want.

Once you are caught by addiction, you learn the hard way there is no nuance in using, in not using. It will take you a long time to admit this openly, but you know it the moment you are talking to a person about one thing and thinking only about your next fix.

And, when you play word-games with gratitude, you get bored after a while and no positive result comes. You say gratitude and don't feel it.

But not when you keep it basic.

 

Just because a rainbow exists, that does not mean black and white cease to exist.

Some things are simple and binary.

Why? They come that way.

And they mean only what they are.

Like overdosing.

Or like beautiful days.

 

The best part is that you get to choose.

That can be the worst part, too.

You decide.

 

Michael

[Marc]

On 12/17/2023 at 11:23 PM, Michael Stuart Kelly said:

Addiction and Gratitude

It's been a while since I have written about addiction.

Let's look at gratitude through that lens for a minute, shall we?

Gratitude is one of the strongest ways out for addicts that I have come across. It's not the whole answer. Instead, it's a portal your mind goes through for you to be able to reframe the cravings and depression. That's how it has worked for me. That's how I managed to stop my addictions--I started with gratitude.

 

I remember when I finally gave up crack cocaine in São Paulo. I found work in a video company, Continental Home Video. The owner, Edelvan Lourenço, was nuts, ex-military, and really loud. What's more, he was a control freak. So rather than have separate rooms for his employees to work, he had one big room with desks scattered about, mostly against the walls. That way, he could get in the middle of the room, sound off to the small group around him, and everybody had to pay attention to him no matter what they were doing.

I remember when I asked to work there, I took him aside to the editing room (at least that was separate) and told him I was leaving addiction to crack and it was kicking my ass. But I was going to beat this sucker. We had just met. And I said if that was a problem for him, we could part ways that minute and not waste each other's time. But if he wanted to give me a chance, now was the time because I was cheap at the moment. He looked at me and stared for a long minute in silence. Then he said, "You scare me."  

We worked out a deal, though. He told me one relapse and I was out of there. To me that was fine.

Now, how does gratitude fit this situation? Well, I never relapsed, but not because of Lourenço's condition. I was not afraid of losing that job. I had an ape on my back and that ape was my problem. I did not relapse because of gratitude.

As a kind of advisor and assistant (the company dealt mostly with English videos), I had to spend a lot of time listening to Lourenço hold court. And did I say he was loud? He was also aggressive and accused people of all kinds of things all the time.

For an addict, that was an extreme situation. Talk about inducing anxiety. And he loved to twist guilt feelings in others. But I tuned it out. As I would be there with everyone listening to him and see the surroundings, sometimes the craving started up and the world would spin.

Rather than fight it, or say anything, I would leave no matter who was speaking, even if they were in the middle of a sentence. I had noticed a sofa in the only small hallway in that big room that provided any kind of privacy. I even remember the rubber tree beside the sofa. I would sit down, take a few deep breaths, clear my mind--or better, try to clear my mind since it was loaded with craving, then send blasts of gratitude to "The Great Out There" just for existing.

I asked for nothing. I was just grateful to be alive, grateful for all of it.

As a nice note on top, to Lourenço's credit, he never badgered me when I walked away. Nor did he ask what I was doing.

 

I came to this gratitude practice by thinking through my position in the universe as a human being once I decided to give up crack for real. I noticed that the universe was enormous, much bigger than I would ever experience, and it was smaller, so micro that I did not know how to experience it. I attached the term "Higher Power" to that and realized that whatever was in charge of that, be it force or god, it was in charge of me in the sense that it created me since it created life. I did not create it.

I did not want to put 12 step thinking to this conclusion, so I replaced "Higher Power" with "The Great Out There" in my own mind and that is where I sent my blasts of gratitude.

And what was the result when I did these blasts while working for Lourenço? Sitting on that sofa, as I focused my mind, heart and soul on these blasts, the cravings would dissipate. It generally took about 5 minutes when I started doing that. At the time I left Continental, somewhat over a year later, it would take about 2 minutes for the cravings to go away.

And when they went away, I would get up from the sofa and go back to the honking.  

 

After I discovered that, I started doing those blasts of gratitude each morning when I got up.

By accident, I once saw a Rosicrucian book lying around in the house of a band member I was producing (it was his grandfather's), and I flipped through it. The book suggested drinking a full glass of water when you wake up. I liked the idea and I wedded the two practices. So that is what I do each morning. I drink a full glass of water and I send a silent blast of gratitude to The Great Out There. The trick is not to ask for anything, not even alleviation of pain. I send gratitude for all of it. That frame always sets me right for the morning.

 

When I started my Writing Journal, I was having difficulty with learning to love revision. So I started writing out a passage of gratitude with each Entry.

I mentioned this in a couple of places.

and

Nowadays, when I write out an expression of gratitude to The Great Out There--it's usually from 50 to 100 words--there is a part that is always the same and a part that I always vary, even thought the substance is the same. I do this because all things sticky in the mind need something familiar wedded to something new.

The results are so impressive in my writing, I cannot recommend this practice, or something similar, enough.

 

Also, I discovered a new truth by consistently making these blasts of gratitude to whatever is out there. Not only does it serve as a mental portal to go through to help cure addiction, it is one hell of a growth provision. Sort of like sunlight and water are to a plant.

If you are an addict, my advice is to find your own gratitude routine and do it every day, or several times a day. Do you believe in God? That's fine. Or do you just have awareness that some force is greater than you but you don't know what it is? That's fine, too. Do you want to call it reality and leave it at that? Hell, that's fine.

Just find something to be grateful to for your own existence as you exist--the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. On that level, you are fine as you are, so be grateful for it.

 

Now to the beautiful thing that prompted me to write this post. I never heard a song express my personal conception of gratitude as well as the song below. The music is just OK, happy music, but the words are perfect. (Replace "Lord" if you don't like the word--the concept is the same in this context.) This is what I mean by gratitude.

However, I did not start my gratitude journey thinking the day was so beautiful (to me, beauty is the grace that comes from gratitude). But I gave it a shot anyway. Every day.

Now all my days are beautiful.

With no drugs or addictions.

Enjoy...

 

Michael

What a beautiful song!!!!!!!

Lord, thank you for President Trump, it's a beautiful day ay ay ay ay!!!!!!!!!

Thank you too Lord for 2020!!!!

 

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Sometimes you just stumble on something awesome.

The following video caught my eye on X and I liked it so much, I reposted it with a comment.

This is metaphorically how I felt after I made the pivot from drug addict to clean.

I am grateful in the extreme for having the privilege to go through this.

Why? I not only got clean, I learned I can take it.

 

I'm not talking about the pivots where I relapsed, which were many.  

I mean the time after the last pivot where my sorry ass at the time stayed clean.

Then I had to take myself apart piece by piece, clean up and fix the bad stuff piece by piece, then put it all back together piece by piece.

Often I had help, in a few cases I did it on my own, sometimes I screwed up and sometimes not much needed work. There was no hard and fast rule or process to follow except I had to keep doing it for real until each piece was right. 

The point is recovery from addiction has a pivot, granted, but it is not an on-off switch. After the pivot, it is a lot of small processes and decisions and efforts until you are whole again. 

It's hard, but it's doable.

I know.

I did it.

And so can you.

You even get a beautiful new truck in the end.

And beautiful days...

 

Michael

[Peter]

A personal note. I have been taking Ambien to sleep for many years. But I decided to stop . . . but I still want to get a good night’s sleep. So. I listen to a lot of music. And I am doing OK. Want some good harmonies? Good guitar work? Exciting? Want to wake up on a dreary day? Play Chicago. This will do it. “25 or 6 to 4.” Or “Look Away.” Good video, etc. Yup. Them’s the song titles and others.

[tmj]

Thankfully when I fall asleep , I'm out, never really battled any restless or repeating interruptions of sleep when it comes, but getting there can be a problem.

Having become enamored to the podcast or long form conversation medium I stumbled on a great fall- asleep aid. Pick a conversation topic that would require some attention to follow and set the volume level to a low degree , low enough that following the conversation takes at least a little conscious effort to pay attention, I find as soon as I realize I am having thoughts that no  longer follow the conversation I drift off. Cover or flip a screen around so the demonic blue light doesn't dance in front of the eyelids, it seeps in lol.

I listen to a lot of podcasts twice, first for five minutes at night and then again in its entirety at a later date , lol.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

On 1/10/2024 at 12:39 AM, Peter said:

A personal note. I have been taking Ambien to sleep for many years. But I decided to stop

Peter,

You did the best thing you could possibly do.

 

Big Pharma and sleep are not friends. Big Pharma and cartel drug dealers are closer to the reality.

I hope your detox isn't too bad.

 

I probably should not say this, but I am doing a small report on sleep for an infoproduct in a venture I am doing. So I have been researching this.

Later I will send you some of what I learned.

Michael