2006 Darwin Awards

[Victor Pross]

Darwin awards: Titanic intellects in a world full of Icebergs!

A friend emailed me this and I thought it was hilarious and so I wanted to share it with others. I couldn’t find a link to the 2006 Darwin Awards and my friend simply provided this material in the body of the email. I have no idea if the Darwin awards are a matter of creative writing or are actually factual. In any event, it is not a product of my imagination. Enjoy!

2006 Darwin Awards

In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's Darwin

Darwin Awards --- the annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene

pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid

way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates

this year are.............

MICHIGAN...

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water

after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to

retrieve his car keys.

CALIFORNIA...

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he

ran," -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

NORTH CAROLINA...

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel

Jones,21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been

sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the

outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to

Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took

rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while

about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

CALIFORNIA..

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first

through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was

caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his

hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

DELAWARE...

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a

bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four

bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

NEW JERSEY...

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife

Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in

their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite

and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but

apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

WASHINGTON.

TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one

of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma

Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more

heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at

4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that

no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,

volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.

One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end

was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable

tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived

his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby

fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out

for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."

Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER: FROM G-E-R-M-A-N-Y . is....

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his

constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a

bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm

finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!?

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on

him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay

unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of

him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. ' With no

one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour

before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "S**T

happens!"

We eagerly await the 2007 contestants for the coveted DARWIN AWARD!

Edited October 26, 2006 by Victor Pross

[Chris Grieb]

Yes; the gene pool is improved with these people gone. I hope they don't have any children.

[BAMF]

I LOVE the Darwin Awards. I read two books a while back and they had me rollin'. I think that elephant crap one really does top the list. How awful.