Red

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Stephen. It offers me some hope. The love I shared with Don was so rich and rare; he made me happy in ways nobody else ever has. I desperately want that kind of love and intimacy in my life again (it was my single greatest pride and my greatest value), but right now I can't even imagine it with anyone else. Your story offers me hope that it may be possible for me to achieve that sort of love again one day. That it will likely take several years to feel emotionally ready, however, is consistent with my experience so far. I too cry every day -- sometimes a lot. The longing can be unbearable. As I have five children aged 8-15 to care for, I must also connect to the remaining world each day, and I do. But it exhausts me and I don't experience happiness with my kids or friends as I used to. Despite the fact that I'm going through the necessary motions (for the most part), the world feels empty to me and my future looks bleak. I fear each new day -- I wake with a sinking feeling every single morning -- because each day since Don died has brought pain and yearning. I can relate to what you say about being closer to your lost lover than to the world remaining. In a lot of ways, I feel that way too. I wear Don's shirts frequently, wear his ring on a chain around my neck and a locket filled with his ashes on my wrist, have photos and other mementos up all over my room (this place is practically a shrine), and almost seven weeks after his death I still can't bear to wash our sheets. In my free time, I much prefer to be alone with my memories of Don -- journaling, looking at photos, working on his memorial scrapbook, watching old recordings of plays he performed in, etc.. I can't yet socialize in groups, only with individual friends with whom I can talk about Don. Some of this feels self-centered and/or crazy, but I'm just doing what I need to do to stay as balanced as I can and get through to the next day. It is hopeful to know you went through a similar experience and yet endured to find happiness again. Grief is new for me (I am fortunate to have never experienced a significant loss before this one), so I am learning and muddling through as I go. But it seems some people are woefully ignorant and unhelpful. Sometimes people's responses to my continuing grief (even though I believe most are intended to be supportive and helpful) have made me feel inadequate -- like I must be doing something wrong if I'm not better adjusted by now. But now I mostly find myself getting annoyed and angry at those kinds of remarks. It hasn't even been two months since my partner -- the love of my life and the focus of my future -- was suddenly ripped from my life. It seems reasonable for me to still be deeply traumatized! But three years is a long time -- achieving some adjustment in three years seems possible to me. I only wish I could fast forward to the end of those years. The road ahead looks so long and painful. It's going to require a lot of strength and endurance to get through. I will hope I come out the other side as well as you did, Stephen. Thanks again for sharing. Rebecca

Thank you for the recommendation. I have ordered a copy.

Thank you for the welcome, Selene. And for the thoughts you shared, Mikee -- they reflect just what I've been trying to do (I love talking about Don to anyone who will listen, have made a scrapbook in his memory, keep a journal of letters to him, and have recently returned to my usual exercise routine with him as my inspiration), but each new day is so incredibly difficult. Losing Don is by far the hardest thing I have ever faced; the yearning just doesn't go away and I feel more deeply lonely than I ever have in my life. Losing him meant losing my best friend, my biggest support, the bulk of my fun adventures/vacations, my sexual intimacy, my future plans. It is so incredibly difficult to lose the one person you can stand completely naked in front of -- mind and body -- and feel visible and loved and cherished. Don was that person to me. I have actually just seen a couple familiar names looking through these forums. I have been an Objectivist since I was about 18 (now 43). My ex (whom I was with for about 19 years, have 5 children with, and am still very close to) is also. He and I used to attend the IOS/TOC (now TAS) summer seminars in the mid to late 90s. The partner I just lost was also a lifelong Objectivist (he worked for IOS in the 90s). His memorial last weekend attracted many old Objectivist friends, and I found it comforting to commune with them again in my grief. My ex has also been amazingly supportive. But I think grief can be especially difficult when so many of the people who love me (family and friends) don't orient to life and loss in the same way I do (mention of God, prayers etc., of course, aren't particularly comforting). I thought it might be helpful to seek more emotional support from Objectivist sources as I work through this difficult journey of picking up the pieces and returning to life in this new, unchosen context. If anyone here has been through the loss of a soul mate, I would be interested in hearing about their journey of healing.

I lost my partner of 4+ years (and the love of my life) on March 25. He died suddenly (and much too young) of a heart attack. I can't say how long this grief process will last, as it's still fresh for me and extremely difficult and exhausting each day -- plus I'm dealing with the trauma of the sudden tragedy and two day hospital stay before we took him off life support. I feel nowhere near ready to have another relationship, but as the love and intimacy I experienced with Don were the source of so much joy in my life, I know that I would want to achieve that sort of love again if possible. Right now it feels impossible to me, but I know that time has the power to change perspectives and feelings, and I know I need much more time. I write a lot to work through the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings I suffer each day, and I am talking with a grief counselor each week. She tells me the process for a loss this profound will likely last years, and I believe it. But she also assures me that things will get easier and there is a way through. I am trying to trust in that, because for now, there is no happiness. Did you lose a lover, EyeofCassandra or were you just asking out of curiosity? I have looked at a few online grief forums, but find it is hard to fit in there when so many people are religious or otherwise have different philosophical orientations from my own. I just Googled "Objectivist grief forum", which is how I found this thread.