Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Stephen. It offers me some hope. The love I shared with Don was so rich and rare; he made me happy in ways nobody else ever has. I desperately want that kind of love and intimacy in my life again (it was my single greatest pride and my greatest value), but right now I can't even imagine it with anyone else. Your story offers me hope that it may be possible for me to achieve that sort of love again one day. That it will likely take several years to feel emotionally ready, however, is consistent with my experience so far. I too cry every day -- sometimes a lot. The longing can be unbearable. As I have five children aged 8-15 to care for, I must also connect to the remaining world each day, and I do. But it exhausts me and I don't experience happiness with my kids or friends as I used to. Despite the fact that I'm going through the necessary motions (for the most part), the world feels empty to me and my future looks bleak. I fear each new day -- I wake with a sinking feeling every single morning -- because each day since Don died has brought pain and yearning.
I can relate to what you say about being closer to your lost lover than to the world remaining. In a lot of ways, I feel that way too. I wear Don's shirts frequently, wear his ring on a chain around my neck and a locket filled with his ashes on my wrist, have photos and other mementos up all over my room (this place is practically a shrine), and almost seven weeks after his death I still can't bear to wash our sheets. In my free time, I much prefer to be alone with my memories of Don -- journaling, looking at photos, working on his memorial scrapbook, watching old recordings of plays he performed in, etc.. I can't yet socialize in groups, only with individual friends with whom I can talk about Don. Some of this feels self-centered and/or crazy, but I'm just doing what I need to do to stay as balanced as I can and get through to the next day.
It is hopeful to know you went through a similar experience and yet endured to find happiness again. Grief is new for me (I am fortunate to have never experienced a significant loss before this one), so I am learning and muddling through as I go. But it seems some people are woefully ignorant and unhelpful. Sometimes people's responses to my continuing grief (even though I believe most are intended to be supportive and helpful) have made me feel inadequate -- like I must be doing something wrong if I'm not better adjusted by now. But now I mostly find myself getting annoyed and angry at those kinds of remarks. It hasn't even been two months since my partner -- the love of my life and the focus of my future -- was suddenly ripped from my life. It seems reasonable for me to still be deeply traumatized! But three years is a long time -- achieving some adjustment in three years seems possible to me. I only wish I could fast forward to the end of those years. The road ahead looks so long and painful. It's going to require a lot of strength and endurance to get through. I will hope I come out the other side as well as you did, Stephen.
Thanks again for sharing.
Rebecca