The Worthless Individual

[Wrighty]

Wow, that was a good post. Mark, listen to Matus1976, he's got some good ideas.

Laure I'd totally endorse that sentiment. In terms of positive coaching advice its a really good place to start.

Mark I heard your Danse Macabre recording - certainly not the work of a worthless individual. Have you heard of a transcription of Dukas' Sorcerer's Apprentice for organ? I suggest you investigate purely for interest's sake or maybe a bit extra?

[mweiss]

Worthless Individual, Round 3

Starting with Judith:

It is near-impossible to assess the extent of the psychological damage that the childhood abuse has had. Once self esteem (which I had little of to begin with) is damaged, it is nearly impossible to repair. As a note, when I was 7 years old, I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I was conscious of my ugliness at an early age. A smart fellow would have found a way to capitalize on that ugliness (circus freak show, actor playing the devil, etc.)

While I intellectually understand that what happened in the past is the past, emotionally, and with every fiber of my being, for lack of a better term, I am still xenophobic in a bad way. I’ve tried to work on that for forty some odd years, but my efforts have yielded little results. I still feel uncomfortable talking to strangers if there is not what I consider a ‘good reason’ to interrupt them. That’s what makes me so bad at walking up to people and recruiting them into Primerica.

The problem with age is that when you finally know certain things you would do differently if you were young, it’s already too late. The body just doesn’t respond anymore. And the brain is starting to go now, and losing one’s mind is one of the scariest things one can experience. My grandmother suffered dimentia and my mother suffered from terrible anxiety attacks, which would eventually land her in a state mental facility, where she died, choking on her own vomit. Father was diagnosed psychotic. My aunt suffered a deformity that runs in the family, known as Treacher Collins Syndrome. I inherited a mixture of all these wonderful genetic endowments.

I continue to fight for my life, and the right to live it, even though over half of what I take in goes straight to paying the tax burden on our domicile. And even so, it’s not enough for the town. We’ve only been paying the interest on the debt for the past 3 years.

That’s right. I can’t think of a time, early in my life, when anyone believed in me, enough to give me a chance at something. As a child, I really didn’t have any dreams, except fuzzy ones like “I want a big house some day” or “I want to be president of my own company”. But I had no goals, no direction.

Reading Edwin Locke’s “The Prime Movers” really put things in perspective for me. I had some implicit idea of why I failed, but he lays things out explicitly. In a table on page 58, I fit completely into the right column, under Passive, as opposed to the left column, Active. Particularly applicable to me are the following attributes:

Remains concrete-bound, Acts emotionally (is wish focused), Focuses on the past & present, Sees parts only, Coasts on past learning, Accepts status quo (with regard to deciding that something I did is “good enough” and never asking “how can I do even better?”

On page 65, Locke talks about “generalized efficacy”. He notes that some children have a penchant for achieving goals, attain values and seek independence. Others cling to their mother’s skirts. I was in the latter category. “Some children, when confronted by early adversity, decide they cannot handle it, become frightened, and self-pitying, and withdraw into themselves.” This was me to a tee. I still don’t know why I didn’t take the other tact, which was “Others, faced with the same threats, view them as a challenge to overcome and proceed to take action.”

A possible contributing factor might be that my parents seemed to consider themselves as victims of circumstances (mom had Hepititis, Thalesemia Hetero Beta Minor, and in old age, severe hormonal imbalances leading to anxiety attacks; dad had ulcers, leading to pancreatic tumors, leading to acute lymphoblastic leukemia). They lost their first home in a potentially violent eviction confrontation with law enforcement, due to an unpaid sewer tax (sometimes being a registered gun owner has disadvantages because the police use inordinate force to carry out routine process serving). Circumstances always prevented them from achieving goals. Either it was poor health or a lack of money. They always had an excuse.

Page 92 of Locke’s book addresses stamina, something I had very little of for my entire life. Even at age 15-19, my best years, I still found it quite uncomfortable to do any physical activity. I did a lot of manual labor, but it was always extremely painful because my body wanted to go sit down and relax, not dig a trench or hammer nails all day long. I remember when the family collectively inherited $1850 from my grandfather in the early 1960s, we used it to buy this land and we bought old barn lumber and stacked it in the yard and I spent a year pulling all the nails out of that lumber, getting it ready to use, while we excavated trenches for footings for a foundation and built forms and mixed cement and, using old Clorox bottles with the bottoms cut out as scoops, filled up the forms, with many thousands of scoops and many hundreds of cement mixer loads over the following year and into winter.

The thing is, I grew up knowing the value of money, because we had so little of it, and I got a valuable skill of building, plumbing, electrical, masonry, etc., but these were torturous activities, and the only reason I bear through them is like the reason why one swims to shore after a shipwreck—to escape drowning. That does not mean I would take a job as a swimmer—or a carpenter. I do not work fast enough for professional employment. In fact, that was a number one complaint of most of my bosses. One revue that I still recall to this day, where I was a wireman in a factory, the boss wrote, “makes good first impression, but doesn’t wear well.” The reason is, I can only feign interest in a boring job for so long, before every cell in my body turns to revolting disgust and I can no longer motivate myself to bear that mental torture any longer.

With all these experiences, you would think I would have found a way to put them all to good use, but I think, contrary to what my parents used to tell me, that I lack a certain kind of intelligence—the ability to identify reality in a way that enables me to see opportunities to capitalize on situations. I just see the problems, not creative solutions or opportunities. When left to think of a way around the problem, I just draw a blank and tune out. I’ve been like that since I can recall. Which is probably why I never moved past menial task jobs.

I know things are possible—for someone. It just hasn’t quite happened for me. No one wants to hire an elderly man with the face of defeat. Some people, you can just look at their faces, and the lines and wrinkles of character—you can tell if they are downtrodden, sad, remorseful, or have had a productive and happy life, or if they have been preditors and ruthless carnivores of business. It’s all written in the lines and contours of the face.

Brant: I haven’t been to a doctor in fifty years. I’ll admit that since both my parents died at the hands of doctors, I’m not very anxious to go see one. I may have cancer, diabetes, thyroid issues and god-knows-what in addition to the problems I can feel, such as the pain in my joints and the lumps all over my body. My wife keeps asking me to see one, so it’s a matter of finding a doctor that I trust. I already found a good dentist through a mutual friend 20 years ago. Perhaps I can find a doctor who isn’t pharma-happy.

Matus 1976: I’m afraid you’re right about my highest priority. I’m a materialistic person—high tech gadgets are my subsitute for the sex I never enjoyed all my life. Now I’m too old to have any libido left. But I still enjoy the gadgets.

I’ll explain the two types of happiness/unhappiness I experienced in my life: when I was living through my employment years, I was miserable. The term “desparately unhappy” fits my past job experience well. I had almost enough money to pay basic bills, a rented room in a boarding house and food. But I was miserable, and bored with my existence. My dreams and goals were unattainable. I knew I would never afford a house at that rate.

I did work on a few inventions during these years. I was still a bit slow. I knew vacuum tubes well. That was my strong area, but the transistor was the big, new technology and I was slow to grasp, or even have curiousity about this new phase of electronics. I was more comfortable with the status quo—vacuum tubes, and I could build almost anything with tube circuits. But I was soon to be stymied by an even more critical failure: my inability to sell my ideas, to present a convincing business plan, to gain support from people who were in a position to help inventors. I struggled with several inventions throughout and in addition to my regular employment. On one hand, I suffered doing menial tasks for wages, and on the other, in the evenings, I worked on my electronic inventions. But my stamina just couldn’t handle both activities, and I overslept often and that cost me some of my jobs. How dare I try to rise above the status of my co-workers, right?

Since my retirement and going freelance, I have enjoyed a sense of freedom and in that respect, I have found a level of happiness that I never experienced when I was in these prison-like employment situations. I am more relaxed, less tense, I drive the speed limit now (I used to be a very aggressive driver and often would speed to 120mph daily on my highway commute to work), my ulcers have stopped bothering me, the diarhrea has stopped and I don’t feel like I’m trapped in a cage, forced to endure uncomfortable environmental conditions, people I can’t stand (I got into a number of fights on the job, and I had a terrible temper) and work that was so boring that my mind was on the verge of going insane. That is all behind me. My ONLY problem is that I don’t take in enough to meet the demands of the tax man. If the government went away tomorrow, I’d be happy as a clam with that burden lifted from mey shoulders.

I agree, there is nothing positive about setbacks. This house has been a collection of them. From the plumbing leaks that would spring up at the most inconvenient times, to the roof leaking when it rains, to having to deal with a backed up septic, to well pump problems and having to pull 220’ of pipe, and a submersible pump out of the casing and repair/replace parts, then put the whole thing back down the well, to dealing with this dreadful renovation project.

I’ve put together a very inadequate photo portfolio of the house renovation that I started in 2003, here:

http://www.dv-clips.com/Renov/2003-2006.htm

But I must warn that it’s not pretty (except maybe the “after” photos) and there is just unbelieveable circumstances that photos can’t convey adequately. All I can say is there is nothing like dealing with the result of 40 years of termites, carpenter ants, squirrels, mice and water damage, over an entire roof, walls and into the floors in many instances.

I can deal with the physical objects. Slowly, I am winning the battle against rot on this house. In four years, I expect, assuming my health holds up, to have completed the repairs to the roof and major walls. And maybe even to knock down a makeshift third floor (that we’re being taxed for as an extra 970 sq ft space!) I can deal with the physical. What I can’t deal with is the wholesale theft of 80% of my income by beaurocrats with guns.

It’s gotten to a point where I don’t know what “working rationally” is anymore. Working for minimum wage in a retail store, and barely being able to pay my transportation costs to/from work, or spending my time working at something I enjoy, and not driving every day.

Working on the house has had some benefits. But the first few weeks of the season are hellish. The nausea and vomiting that I go through when I first start doing any lifting in the heat, and the burning pain in my arms as I try to work over head, make for a very memorable discomfort that I carry with me into the next season. It’s been very difficult to get started this year, with the cold weather lasting into April and snow one day, rain the next and so on. Now that we finally have decent weather, I’m doing a little each day, to get started on the next leg of an incomprehensibly large task that has to be done. Raising a little girl and being a husband now cuts further into the time I can invest in the repairs, but the repairs cannot wait and the urgency to complete them before remaining leaks destroy the work I’ve already completed is a matter of protecting my vested interest.

Although I symphathize with your own home repair issues, I have to qualify it with the fact that your problems are miniscule compared to mine. You’re repairs are only a day or two out of your life. Mine involve a decade of 12 hour days, working in dangerous conditions, breathing in mold, dust, animal feces, rotten wood that’s turned to dust, etc, all the while trying to be careful not to lose my balance and fall off the roof. I’ve had to gut this place and figure out how to keep the rain out of the house with no roof for several months out of the last four summers. If you don’t believe me, see the photos I linked to earlier.

Yes, my wife calls me worthless, because not only can’t I bring in the money, but a lack of libido completes the picture. She’s right. And she’s about the best thing that’s happened to me all my life. I consider myself fortunate that she has stuck behind me for these past few years. Perhaps her taunting is not all such condemnation as just taunting as her way of trying to motivate me.

As for filmography, I have no ideas. If someone tells me what they want me to shoot, I can do that, but when it comes to creating an idea from scratch, well, I never had that ability, going back to childhood. I drew a lot as a kid, but the neighbor’s kid could REALLY draw, like a professional cartoonist. He just could do it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not. I was like the example on page 64 of Locke’s “Prime Movers”—I studied algebra for years and failed consistently—I just could never grasp it, or most other mathematics beyond adding and multiplying numbers. It seems that when there are more than a certain number of elements to keep in my mind simultaneously, that I can no longer focus on the problem and I reach a limit to the complexity that I can deal with and master in algebra.

I spend quite a bit of time in Maya, trying to make the animation of a vision that I first saw when I heard Marcel Dupré’s “Carillon” played on the organ. In 1982, I tried to film it with 8mm and by building clay models, but the infinite horizon effect of traveling over a vast planet was impossible to achieve with this method. In the late 80s, I had my first video camera and tried again, building larger sets on the studio floor, but that sense of distance wasn’t working. Then in 1995 I tried it with Caligari trueSpace, but the computer was much too slow, and trueSpace has a clunky UI that worked against me. The by 2004, I started working on it in Maya, but now I am stuck again, animating the oil rigs (there are 11 scenes in my ‘dream’ that I demarcated by different movements in the music and one scene has a one beat per measure back and forth rhythm that, to me, depicted visions of hundreds of oil wells pumping. So I worked on the oil well scene, building models of these rigs and trying to animate them using physics. But I ran into “interpenetration” errors and realized that I was way over my head and that modeling required much more knowledge on how to correctly construct a body so that it will interact with another object for reactive animation. I’ve been hacking away at this project for 25 years, only generating a few seconds of footage so far. Obviously, I’ve reached beyond my faculty here, but I’m a stubborn old fart, and enjoy these challenges—it’s what keeps the brain young.

While I’m slowly getting rid of the things I haven’t used in five or more years, I’m turning that into cash that I can convert to things that I can use today. But if you’re asking me to consider giving up my passion for the things that have kept me from completely going off the deep end, it’s not going to happen, as long as I am breathing. It means too much to me, and it took me nearly forty years to achieve it, and I don’t have another forty years to try and rebuild it all over again.

I don’t know if there is a solution for my dilemma. I’d be really fine if it weren’t for the robbers at my door (the taxes), because I can live on about $2000/year for my basic living expenses, including heat. Well, electricity has gone up so much that it’s become second only to taxes—I spent $4200 on electricity last year. I can always find ways to pay the bills, as I am basically debt-free (no credit, loans or mortgages). There is only this tax bill every year, and it’s getting bigger and bigger at a rate far greater than any increase in income. I’ve tried raising my engineering rates, but I lost my clients as people didn’t want to pay $50-60/hr to keep a multi million dollar operation on the air. Taxes rose, but I could not raise my rates enough to compensate and stay busy.

As a good friend of mine, who makes his living doing consulting in Windows Presentation Foundation and .Net application development once observed about me, I make a terrible employee. I’m the type that can only flourish as an independent entrpreneur. He’s right. I don’t work well for others, in capacities that are not in my area of interest. It’s a curse. Many people can work these boring dead end jobs and be content for decades. I lack that ability. I suffer.

And yes, I am proud that I didn’t contribute to Bush’s Oil War.

Laure: Intellectually, I know this is right, but when it comes to practical steps, I’m concrete-bound and can’t fathom the first step.

Bob Mac: Yes, that’s free enterprise. But being an employee is being low on the food chain, and that means you struggle and suffer a lot. I had enough suffering as a kid. But I was too stupid to find a way to endure the employment years. I trudged through half a century of employment suffering until my third suicide attempt landed me hospitalized and out of the loop for several years. Now I’m trying to do things MY way, because I worked all those years and didn’t have much to show for it.

I didn’t advance because I wasn’t interested in the available work/jobs and I had to work in order to eat, but most of the jobs had little opportunity for growth anyway. There’s only so much a ditch digger can aspire to, if you know what I mean. Employers see a big guy whom they figure they can exploit as a bullyock. Too bad for them that my lack of energy prevented me from achieving the potential that they expected based on my size.

As for income versus expenses, how can you drop $2000/year for food, heating, phones, electric (in 1999) any further? And how do you deal with the fact that you still had to pay a five figure tax bill the following year? When taxes are five times all my other expenses combined, that really burns me. It makes my blood boil. Now if I made a hundred grand a year, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to write that $15K check every year. But for me, it represents several times my own personal expenses. More income would certainly help, but my traditional minimum wage-earning past has kept me in this cycle of poverty.

Regarding the home repairs, as I mentioned earlier, I’m doing these repairs because of an emergency and a lack of help. It’s like swimming to shore after a shipwreck—it doesn’t mean I want to become a professional swimmer. Yes, I can do carpentry, but it takes me 2 weeks to do what a professional can do in a day. I’m simply not fast enough, nor can I work on ladders with my dizziness and tendency to black out from time to time. I’m really risking my life repairing this roof, as I’m not physically up to the task—but it’s either “do, or die” and do I “do”.

Yes, I have been told I write well. Paradoxical for a person who could not read at all in the fourth grade, until my parents got me a phonics course (which would, years later, be outlawed in progressive education). I have three unfinished novels sitting on my hard drive. I’ve been working on them on and off since 1985. But I reached a point where I lost interest in what I was writing, and other pressing matters took the focus away.

Journalist? With my personality? You’ve got to be kidding, right? I don’t know the first thing about it. I do know that reporters are pushy sons of B’s and that’s opposite my personality type. Reporters are “people persons” I am a reclusive xenophobe.

Peter: The Danse Macabre took me three weeks of intensive effort to record. Someone with real talent could play it in 7:49 without making a single mistake. I did it for recreation and no other reason. It just turned out better than my other attempts and music.

I have not heard of the piece you mentioned for organ. The title, yes, but not as an organ piece.

[Laure]

I did a little research, and I find it hard to believe that you are paying $15,000 a year property tax. Based on information at the New Milford tax assessor website, I would figure your tax would be more like $1,500 a year - minus $960 if you are over 65 and your combined income is less than $35,300. Your assessed value did not look unreasonable to me. It doesn't look like you are being persecuted. If you've racked up such a huge balance due to not paying your tax for decades, you really can't turn that around and say that those mean old tax collectors are out to get you.

By the way, you've done some great work on that house. I can see what a big job it is.

[Dodger]

Oh God can we end the f*cking self pity already?

What is your goal here, Mark?

To seek empathy?

To try and find answers?

When people go through instances such as this, it is best for them to be left alone and to deal with it on their own.

[Judith]

Once self esteem (which I had little of to begin with) is damaged, it is nearly impossible to repair.

Wrong. You really need to read Nathaniel Branden's books. I recommend that you read "Honoring the Self" and "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem", in that order. He wrote other books after that, but I think those two are the best, being most succinct and to the point.

Reading Edwin Locke’s “The Prime Movers” really put things in perspective for me. I had some implicit idea of why I failed, but he lays things out explicitly. In a table on page 58, I fit completely into the right column, under Passive, as opposed to the left column, Active. Particularly applicable to me are the following attributes:

Remains concrete-bound, Acts emotionally (is wish focused), Focuses on the past & present, Sees parts only, Coasts on past learning, Accepts status quo (with regard to deciding that something I did is “good enough” and never asking “how can I do even better?”

On page 65, Locke talks about “generalized efficacy”. He notes that some children have a penchant for achieving goals, attain values and seek independence. Others cling to their mother’s skirts. I was in the latter category. “Some children, when confronted by early adversity, decide they cannot handle it, become frightened, and self-pitying, and withdraw into themselves.” This was me to a tee. I still don’t know why I didn’t take the other tact, which was “Others, faced with the same threats, view them as a challenge to overcome and proceed to take action.”

Throw out the Locke book. You're using it to beat yourself over the head for what you did as a child and to convince yourself that if you weren't born with good self-esteem you'll never have any. That's self-defeating behavior and, quite simply, not true.

It's just a good excuse for continuing in self-defeating patterns instead of doing something scary -- like changing. Or perhaps admitting that maybe you're not worthless after all.

A possible contributing factor might be that my parents seemed to consider themselves as victims of circumstances (mom had Hepititis, Thalesemia Hetero Beta Minor, and in old age, severe hormonal imbalances leading to anxiety attacks; dad had ulcers, leading to pancreatic tumors, leading to acute lymphoblastic leukemia). They lost their first home in a potentially violent eviction confrontation with law enforcement, due to an unpaid sewer tax (sometimes being a registered gun owner has disadvantages because the police use inordinate force to carry out routine process serving). Circumstances always prevented them from achieving goals. Either it was poor health or a lack of money. They always had an excuse.

Very possible indeed. It's been observed among horses, for example, that the offspring of mares low in the herd pecking order tend to be low in the herd pecking order themselves. The difference between animals and humans, however, is that we have a level of consciousness that can observe these facts and thus learn new behaviors and transcend what would otherwise have been our destinies. It has been done and is being done every day. But it's scary, for reasons that will become clear if you read Branden. So people make all kinds of excuses to themselves for why it's impossible and why they can't change.

Page 92 of Locke’s book addresses stamina, something I had very little of for my entire life. Even at age 15-19, my best years, I still found it quite uncomfortable to do any physical activity. I did a lot of manual labor, but it was always extremely painful because my body wanted to go sit down and relax, not dig a trench or hammer nails all day long.

I'm the same way. Always have been. Some of us are born with higher energy levels than others. It sucks big time, and is a handicap with which we have to live and work. To the extent I can, I do sedentary work. I'll spend four times as much time looking up something on the computer rather than getting up to go look it up in hard copy.

Perhaps I can find a doctor who isn’t pharma-happy.

Don't be too quick to put down pharma. Considering your low energy levels and perhaps low thyroid and very possible depression, I'd say that "Better living through chemistry" could well be a good motto for you. You'd be amazed at what chemistry can do for people these days; it's a very good time to be alive. Chemistry could have done wonders for your parents.

Well done on the house. Amazing job!

And don't pay any attention to Dodger; he's young.

Judith

[Dodger]

And don't pay any attention to Dodger; he's young.

Judith

Is that the best you can do?

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Mark,

Here are some links. Sometimes looking at the woes of others helps.

I Hate My Miserable Life (Forum for like-minded people.)

My Miserable Life: A Compendium of Suffering (Lots of stories, but be careful with this one since there is some porn content linked.)

The "I Hate My Life" Project (This is for when you really want a dose of feeling down. This guy gave up the project and blew off all the downer people, so you can really feel rejected if you need to.)

Two forms of paranoia noted: “Poor Me” and “Bad Me” (If one day you want to spiral down into paranoia, you can choose the flavor.)

Here's a miserable joke (from here) to help you feel better:

My Miserable Life

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He sits motionless, staring like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big guy breezes into the bar, steps next to him, reaches over, takes the drink from this poor guy, and just drinks it all down. At that, the poor man starts crying.

The big guy, embarrassed, says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that," replies the little guy. "It's just that today is the worst day of my life!"

" First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, who has a furious temper, fired me! Then, when I left the building, I found out that my car had been stolen! The police filled out some forms, but said they could do nothing."

"So next I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab!"

"When I got home I discovered my wife has left me. I left home and came straight to this bar. And then, when I had finally decided to put an end to my miserable life, you show up and drink all my poison ...!"

Hang in there.

Michael

[BAMF]

^LOL at that joke, Mike.

Is that the best you can do?

Is that the best YOU can do? What is this, an asshole contest?

Why is it best for people to be left to deal with it on their own? Mark seems to be going through a period of realization. That's a good thing. It's the first step in changing. There are quite a few people here who can, and have, offered him great advice. It's always helpful to have encouragement.

What was your purpose in even coming in here if you were just going to throw out a few angry comments and be an asshole? Why even bother?

EDIT: I second Michael's "hang in there"

Edited May 11, 2007 by Kori

[Rodney]

I would have a number of helpful comments to make, but, as is often the case, I don't have time to write a thoughtful post due to my editorial projects.

On a different note, consider this, which can be inspiring:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOnew7RMkZ0

[mweiss]

Worthless Individual, Round 4

Laure: Where did you get your information? Zillow.com? Most of the online sites have wildly erroneous and out of date information.

I stated, on one of these forums, I don’t recall if it was here or OOL, that the average annual property tax in this town is $15K, a figure which came from NMTaxpayers.com. Mine are not quite that high, but still 8X higher than all of my other expenses COMBINED. All of my neighbors earn over $100K/year. In fact, citing the same source, the median income here is $130K. My neighbor to the east of me is ultra-wealthy—he owns the largest marina in the northeast, and he owns a manufacturing company and is a land developer. He is also a state assemblyman. Across from him is a day trader who works on Wall St and earns in excess of a million a year. Down the hill from me is the president of CBS Records, and a few hundred yards south of him is the home of Robin Leach, host of that “Rich & Famous” TV show in the ‘80s. Also on this edge of the lake is the CEO of a major toy manufacturer. This area wasn’t like this when we moved here 42 years ago—to escape rising property taxes and a sewer assessment in another town.

I don’t qualify for the discount/relief until my back taxes are paid off. That’s one of the things built into our system that ensures that seniors can’t get the benefits and that the property ends up going to younger, wealthier people. But for a 77 year old woman who got bodily removed from her home when the town started getting serious about collecting ‘delinquent’ taxes, she ended up on the street—literally. There was a brief public outcry about that, but it was soon forgotten.

The repair work is an enormous undertaking. I didn’t take enough pictures to really convey the various stages of transition. The photos can’t, at internet resolution, convey the nastiness—the filth and dirt, the dead squirrel carcasses, the animal feces and the partially-digested insulation and leaves and mulch that I found in place of studs in my east walls.

I have a seemingly insurmountable amount more to do. I move slowly, and I have to think each step through, before I move the first piece of timber. Looking ahead is this spectre of removing a ‘penthouse’ that a deranged man built on top of the main roof. It has a roofline that is 17’ above the main roof surface. Taking that down by myself seems an insurmountable obstacle. But I think I have had a brainstorm this week, involving a 4-ton hydraulic jack and some iron pipe and capitalizing on the fact that much of that shack is starting to rot because it’s roof has been leaking for a number of years.

So much to do, and so much uncertainty.

Dodger: On some level, to find an answer that REACHES me on a level of consciousness that I’ve yet to achieve.

Judith: Although I have mixed feelings about Branden now, knowing what I have read in recent years, your suggestion of those two book titles sounds like it could provide valuable insight into reframing my self-image.

The one area where I am not in strong agreement with you is in regard to the Locke book. I think it’s an excellent book—he delivers on his intent, which is to categorize the traits of the successful business person. His book at least lets me understand where I stand and why I am a failure at everything I do. No ‘feel good’ book has done anything but waste words on plattitudes and vague concepts based on primacy of consciousness. I’m not using it to beat myself over the head—I want to find out how to become a successful business person, so I can finally get these taxes off my back and leave my wife and daughter with some money, instead of several years’ salary worth of tax debts.

Yup, like the horses, I seem to be low on the pecking order. I felt that all through elementary school years. In fact, by age 7-8, I developed the concept that I was a “test model” of the human species, that was being tested for pain endurance. Even in the face of the threat of violent spankings from “Hitler” (that’s how I and my mother used to refer to my father, because he was German and outspoken against Jews) I could not control my behavior. It was like I was possessed of a demon that took control of my body and made me do things I knew to be those which would get me punished severely. I felt helpless, like a marionette forced to dance in the flames.

The question is whether I WANT to change, or whether I fear change, or that to do such change, means jumping an “abyss”, and not knowing whether I’ll reach the other side (have enough intelligence to win it all back legitimately). Faced with a high percentage of uncertainty, I consider such change too risky a gamble, so I thrash around in the mode I’m in. At least that is the most honest appraisal of why I make the choices I make that I can come up with.

This lack of energy has made me come up with a theory: that there is no such thing as “laziness”, but only people with particular physical energy limits that give them overwhelming urges to sit down and be sedentary. When I was attending Primerica training meetings, the RVP who ran the training is a skinny guy who moves like a jitterbug. He’s blooming with energy, and even though I had a sense that he was a bit of a shyster, I also realized he had so much energy and ambition, that he really WAS attaining the goals he discussed. The guy earns about $68K/month in sales, residuals, commissions and overrides. He doesn’t waste more than a minute with people in his downline who do not produce. He’s very focused. I took tons of notes at those sessions, and there was quite a bit of practical good advice. I learned a lot, but I still have not been able to apply it. For me, knowledge is strangely divorced from action. I cannot grasp specifically why, but it’s a muddled confusion of xenophobia, lack of faith in jumping the ‘abyss’ and a sluggish mind. And maybe other factors I cannot comprehend or detect.

I have little faith in pharma. My mother spent the last years of her life on psychotropic drugs, prescribed by a hospital. They turned her into a zombie. Ever see a person on Thorazine? Scientists, no matter how brilliant, have only been experimenting with drugs for a few decades. Little is known about the longterm effects of these unnatural substances. I rely on my vitamin E to keep my arteries from hardening up, and C to keep me from aging. I take megadoses of vitamins. They’ve kept me alive longer than any of my now-deceased relatives. I realize there are quacks in naturopathic medicine as well as allopathic medicine. But I have a healthy fear of most commercial drugs. These mega conglomerates make billions on these drugs and they have salesmen that pressure doctors to use their drugs. Many times, patients get prescribed drugs that are the result of a salesman convincing a doctor, over lunch, that his company’s product will cure the patient, or alleviate some issue.

I believe that illness is a distortion of the body’s normal function, brought about by toxins—toxic processed foods, air pollution, even stress. Often the cure is to stop assaulting the body with toxic garbage, like fast foods, processed foods, etc.

I am frustrated that healthy food costs so much more than junk food. A $4 bag of carrots, vs. a 10-cent package of Ramen noodles. During my lean years, I lived on those noodles, 69-cent cans of Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghetti & meatballs, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Now I look at steaks in Costco… $47 for a piece of meat! (in a Brooklyn accent) Gimme f---in’ break! It’s cheaper to eat poorly, but then you end up needing the medical community to treat your ailments. And I do not want to live in a hospital room.

Granted, doctors are good at putting you back together after a car crash, but I have less faith in their ability to fix heart disease by pumping you full of chemicals.

I guess the home repair is my ‘magnum opus’. Thanks for the accolades.

Young people have no concept of perspective, so they tend to be flippant about these matters. When you get old, you wake up each morning with the thought, “wow. I’m still here!” I still don’t know what death will bring. Objectivism has taught me that it’s just nothingness. But as I get older, I think it’s a tragedy for all the knowledge one gains to just… vanish. I guess that’s one reason why so many people believe in diety and afterlife. It gives purpose and hope that life is not futile. 90 years of hell and then, zero.

Michael: To a degree, one may feel better about one’s situation through comparison with others. But I don’t like to compare with others. I like to compare with what level of comfort and freedom I expect from life. In my case, to be left alone by the government. Just let me be. Just let me live out my life of MY land. Leave me alone. My standard for happiness is internal, and will not be any different because I look at a few unfortunate souls. IOW, their circumstances don’t physically change my circumstances.

Kori: Thank you for your admonishments. Youth is wasted on the young, and the young have a lot to learn before they can emphathize with the old.

Ashleyparkerangel: I saw that video last year when someone linked to it in another forum. As unfortunate as it may seem, it doesn’t change my own reality one iota. Facing a SWAT team at your door is just as bad, whether you’ve seen a two-headed girl or not.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Michael: To a degree, one may feel better about one’s situation through comparison with others. But I don’t like to compare with others. I like to compare with what level of comfort and freedom I expect from life. In my case, to be left alone by the government. Just let me be. Just let me live out my life of MY land. Leave me alone. My standard for happiness is internal, and will not be any different because I look at a few unfortunate souls. IOW, their circumstances don’t physically change my circumstances.

Mark,

Actually, I suggested the idea of looking down on folks to feel better with a bit of tongue-in-cheek.

But those links I suggested do have value. Of course, we all use resources differently to obtain the things we want, so they might be of value to one and not to another.

I personally use those kinds of links as psychological mirrors. They are useful to me to get a notion of how I look to others when I complain a lot. I evaluate my own reactions to those people and then imagine that others might feel about me and react to me in the same manner. I use them as intimate tools like that for my self-betterment.

As I am a beginning writer, I also find them good for getting an outlook on people who predominantly feel resentful and bitter and like to share it. There are some pretty good character studies on those sites.

But if the idea is only to look down on other folks for pleasure, I can see where they would not be of any interest.

Michael

[bmacwilliam]

"Bob Mac: Yes, that’s free enterprise. But being an employee is being low on the food chain, and that means you struggle and suffer a lot. I had enough suffering as a kid. But I was too stupid to find a way to endure the employment years."

Fine. Fair enough - time to look forward.

"I trudged through half a century of employment suffering until my third suicide attempt landed me hospitalized and out of the loop for several years."

Obviously, you've had dark times. Seeking help, if you haven't already, would really be a good idea IMHO.

"I didn’t advance because I wasn’t interested in the available work/jobs and I had to work in order to eat, but most of the jobs had little opportunity for growth anyway. There’s only so much a ditch digger can aspire to, if you know what I mean."

I understand, but the general labourer, can become a carpenter's assistant, can become a carpenter, can become hugely successful by keeping one's eye on the ball so to speak. Water under the bridge at this point.

"As for income versus expenses, how can you drop $2000/year for food, heating, phones, electric (in 1999) any further? And how do you deal with the fact that you still had to pay a five figure tax bill the following year? When taxes are five times all my other expenses combined, that really burns me. It makes my blood boil."

I understand, but whether you live in a big house, or in a trailer, or in a mud hut should be dictated by income/wealth. Accumulating wealth is not possible unless expenses< income. Just the reality.

"I have three unfinished novels sitting on my hard drive. I’ve been working on them on and off since 1985. But I reached a point where I lost interest in what I was writing, and other pressing matters took the focus away."

Well, nobody but you can rekindle the interest.

"Journalist? With my personality? You’ve got to be kidding, right? I don’t know the first thing about it. "

Disagree, you already write better than most. There's also very different kinds of writers that work freelance. Columnists for example, don't have to be pushy depending on the type of work or opinion pieces they do. Not all reporters are listening to police scanners and trying to jam microphones in people's faces. My wife freelanced for a time and never once met her editor face to face.

Basically I think you have to focus on reasons why you can succeed rather than why you might fail. Being too negative will self-fulfill. Good luck.

Bob

[Dragonfly]

Accumulating wealth is not possible unless expenses< income. Just the reality.

The famous Micawber principle:

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

"Something will turn up" (Mr. Micawber).

[Dodger]

Dodger: On some level, to find an answer that REACHES me on a level of consciousness that I’ve yet to achieve.

I understand, and please forgive me for my heartless posts. I've been a bit, er, pissed off generally and I'm not really watching who I lash out on. I did one of the things that I've always preached against--posted destructively instead of productively.

[Brant Gaede]

Accumulating wealth is not possible unless expenses< income. Just the reality.

The famous Micawber principle:

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

"Something will turn up" (Mr. Micawber).

It's also a famous monetary inflation symbol. Today 20 pounds is 40 dollars. I would guess you'd need 10,000 pounds today, to equal 20 pounds then.

--Brant

[Laure]

Mark:

No, I didn't get my info from Zillow, I got it from the assessor's online database at data.visionappraisal.com. If you create an account, you can look up records by name of owner. It shows 13 Southeast Trail having a current assessed value of $68,110. While I don't know your mill rate, they give an example calculation that uses 20.87, which comes out to $1421.46 a year. Is your mill rate actually ten times that? I would think there would be a lot of psychos trying to bump off the tax collector at that rate! A $500,000 house would have to pay over $100,000 a year in tax. I have a hard time believing that.

[Wolf DeVoon]

Hi Mark,

Lemme see if this makes sense to you. Obviously, you can write, which means you can talk, too. Video and audio equipment, check. I suggest you make a longform AV rant (60-90 mins), do the best you can, but tell your story more or less the way you presented it here. Insert pix of your parents, Great Depression, 'fair use' clips of Bush, Iraq war, tax collectors, whatever makes you mad or miserable. Submit to film festivals that have video competition: Sundance, Chicago, Banff, etc.

Better to go with your strengths, which are formidable.

W.

P.S. - I just caught up on the Bass Pig addiction/not music thing. It's hilarious. You're quite a character. By all means, put it in the video rant: dust falling from the rafters, wife screaming in pain.

Edited May 23, 2007 by Wolf DeVoon