If you’re not thinking independently, you’re not thinking

[CNA]

If you’re not thinking independently, you’re not thinking

by Angie S.

I started my sophomore year of high school at the age of 15. I was still living under conformity and grouping, thinking for the group. I was wanting to find a group that I could identify with. At the time, I became good friends with a girl named Mia Noriega the year prior to entering high school. She was a year older than I so she had already established her group of friends which she had identified with. Her group of friends were considered the ‘popular‘ group, the beautiful people. She belonged to an off-campus sorority called Sabri. The group she equated herself with was quite different than the group I had equated myself with in prior years. Their identity was the opposite of who and what I was. My group I identified with prior to meeting her were the hardcore Rockers, Metallers, Heshions. Her group of friends were the typical cheerleader, fashionable, Valley Girl types.

When I entered high school, she asked me to rush her club Sabri. I agreed. It was a group I wanted to be identified with so I was willing to do what was required of me. The initiation (rushing) into the club was to be done over many months. Over this period of time, there were to be many acts of humiliation inflicted upon the new girls. After rushing the club and being subjected to public displays of degradation which I was willing to endure to be apart of Sabri, I started to feel weary about what I was doing. I felt as if I were betraying a very important part of who I was.

In December halfway through my sophomore year, right before turning 16, something happened that had never happened before. I had asked myself a question: “Why am I doing this?” I thought to myself, “That’s strange. I’ve never had that happen before.” I shrugged off the question almost as soon as it came and continued with what I was doing.

I evaded answering the question. I evaded the voice of reason.

A few weeks went by, still continuing with what I was doing and all of a sudden the same question came to mind: “Why am I doing this?” I thought about it and then asked myself, “Am I supposed to answer this question? Is it normal?” My response was: “Nah, I won’t answer it.”

I evaded answering the question. I evaded the voice of reason.

I just wanted to continue with what I was doing. A few days went by and still subjecting myself to humiliation. The ugly feeling that something wasn’t right with what I was doing came over me. Once again my mind had asked the question: “Why am I doing this?” I thought about it and again asked myself, “Is this really normal?” I looked at my surroundings; the people I was with and wondered if this happened to them as well. I then came to the conclusion: “Well, I guess it must be normal and that everyone does it, so I’ll just answer the question.” I then chose to go ahead and focus in on the question: “Why am I doing this?” I started to think about the question, analyzing the situation as to why I may have been doing it, looking for any type of evidence that could help me to understand, to help me answer the question my mind had asked. Then I suddenly realized and came to a conclusion: “I want to fit in.” But lo and behold I discovered there was another question waiting to be answered on the heels of the first answer. I had asked myself another question: “But why do I want to fit in?” I focused in on the question, analyzing it, looking introspectively for any evidence as to why I had this desire and I came to a second conclusion: “I want to be popular. I want to fit into the group.”

But once again, I discovered there was another question on the heels of the second answer. I had asked myself: “Why do I want to fit into this group?” I then realized that in order to answer these questions I really needed to focus in with a greater concentration and clarity to investigate it and come to a conclusion. I then answered, “It’s a group that everyone wants to be a part of, the beautiful people.” That was my conclusion and I thought that was the end of it. But before long, I found yet another nagging question: “But do I really want to humiliate myself just to fit in with this group?” I answered honestly, “No, I don’t.” The very act of self honesty was exhilarating for me, and another question was on the heels of that fourth answer. I had asked myself, “What am I going to do now?” I thought about it, contemplating the matter from many different angles and I realized, “If I have to do all these things just to fit into this group, I don’t want any part of this group. It’s not me and who I really am. I shouldn’t have to humiliate myself to be cool. It doesn’t feel good.”

Again, a few weeks later, I was out and about with my friends and out of nowhere, the same line of questioning from days past came to mind. I thought, “I’ll figure out again what I am doing and why.” After a while of intense contemplation, looking both introspectively and extrospectively, looking for any evidence to help me understand and put these ideas together based on many questions and many answers, I later drew the conclusion as to what I had discovered and what I was actively engaging in: “Wow, this is kinda cool. I really like this. It‘s complex and so fascinating to figure out what I am doing---and why I am doing something. It seems I have a feeling of certainty when I know what I am doing and why I am doing it. It gives me a spring in my step when I make a new discovery and I am capable of understanding that new discovery.”

Once again, a few days go by, my mind asked the same line of questions with the same investigation in answering those questions and making yet more discoveries and conclusions based on my observations. I was now convinced without a doubt that I really enjoyed making all these new discoveries and conclusions. It was based on my own mind, my own ideas, my own knowledge, my own observations. I thought to myself, “Wow, this is way cool. It feels so damn good. I can actually figure things out on my own and make my own discoveries as to who I am and why. I feel so damn excited about this.”

Again out of nowhere, to probe even deeper and understand as to why I felt this way, I asked another question: “Why do I feel excited?” I quickly answered and drew yet another conclusion, “I’m making so many new discoveries about myself! I’m learning so much! I don’t have to depend on others to tell me what I am doing and why I am doing it! I can understand it on my own. Ah, I don’t need any book to tell me what I am doing and why I am doing it. I don’t need to wait to have the explanation spoon-fed to me by someone else, or to read it in some book. But if I do wait for someone to explain it to me, then I am evading thinking in the first place. I’m depending on someone else to think for me. I like knowing that everything I do, there is an effect. If I do ‘this’ (identity/cause), I get this result (effect.) Wow, so that means there is a cause and effect to everything I do. There are reasons for everything that I do. I just need to discover it for myself. I value my mind so much and my ability to figure things out on my own and to make my own discoveries based on my own observations that I—and I alone--have to work at it; I have to focus in on all these questions and figure out what the answers are. That’s right. It is true. I really don’t need a book to give me the answers, someone else’s explanation filling my head when I can do it on my own.”

It was the voice of reason that I was exercising. It’s the Ayn Rand in all of us. It’s the same rational convictions that everyone will ultimately come to—if, like me, they choose to. And they will truly hold the same convictions--convictions formed based on one’s own mind, one’s own ideas, one’s own conclusions, one’s own observations. It’s called being first-handed.

Every single human has asked himself/herself questions, introspectively--as well as extrospectively. They ask: “Why am I doing this?” and most never take the time to explore the interior world of their inner being and to answer these questions. They also ask “What am I doing?” and “How will I benefit from this?” and “How do I know this is right?” and so forth. But yet, most never take the time to focus in on these questions their mind asks them. They never take the time to explore it and to figure out on their own what the answers are. Instead, they depend on someone else to tell them what and why.

This is the stepping stone to building a rational philosophy based on rational convictions. This is the way to form those rational convictions. You start from scratch and slowly build on it. At times, it becomes very difficult to answer questions that are too advanced for your current knowledge and understanding. If you can’t answer a question, you haven’t built up your knowledge enough to understand it and to draw a concrete conclusion as to what you do and why. If this is the case, take a step back and ask other questions and try to answer those questions and keep repeating this until you understand. Eventually, you will have built up your knowledge and understanding enough to answer questions and draw a conclusion on the more complex questions and issues.

It’s truly so simple and so easy to discover on your own; it‘s right under everyone’s noses: Metaphysics, Epistemology, Ethics, Politics. There is an Ayn Rand in all of us, but many choose to evade it. Most choose to not answer the questions their mind asks them. That first question you ask yourself and figure out on your own is the foundation to building your own rational philosophy based on your own ideas, your own knowledge, your own conclusions, your own observations. It’s all about independent thinking. It’s about independent conclusions.

Angie

Thank you, Victor, for editing this for me and offering many suggestions to help make it more clear. It is very much appreciated.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Angie,

You might like a thought from David Kelley to complement your nice little epistemological story. From The Contested Legacy of Ayn Rand, p. 77:

An Objectivist thinker must be a thinker first, an Objectivist second.

I did not mention this for any partisan reasons. This is my favorite Kelley quote and your piece reminded me of it as a concrete example on a simple level.

Michael

[Victor Pross]

Angie,

I really like this article. It speaks to my own adolescence experiences, and I’m sure others will be able to relate to it, too. It does carry, after all, a universal theme within it: the individual and his/her relationship to others, to society or the mob.

I will openly declare what I said in private—I am extremely proud of you. Thank you for acknowledging me in this post, that’s very nice. But I hasten to add, everybody, that my input was very minimal: this is Angie’s heart and soul. The results are from the sweat of her beautiful intellectual brow.

In the article, Angie speaks of the “Ayn Rand that is in all of us” and this is merely speaking of thinking first-hand.

Angie is talking about making logical connections, identifying, integrating and coming to difficult conclusions about the nature of one’s “friends” and of one’s relationship to them, on one's own. In other words, she speaks of independent thought—a process she experienced--on her own. This did not come out of a book.

This is the “Ayn Rand” that was—and is—in her.

How wonderfully ironic that Ayn Rand—in spirit--spoke of Angie!

In an article called, ‘Altruism as Appeasement’ she wrote:

…”there are those who are not willing to renounce their rational faculty…their willingness to think makes them shine forth as a threat to the stagnant security of the levelers in which they are immersed…a bright, sensitive, precociously observant youth has acquired the sense of being trapped in a nightmare universe where he is resented not for his flaws, but for his greatest attribute: his intelligence."

“There are those who are not willing to renounce their rational faculty”

That’s you, Angie.

Victor

Edited September 1, 2006 by Victor Pross

[gary williams]

Thank you Angie.

You are a rarity. You truly are one of the few.

And yes, 'It's truly so simple and so easy to discover on your own.' I am discovering it everyday.

I cannot thank you enough!

But I will keep trying!

Thank you!

gw

[Ross Barlow]

Bravo, Angie! Your article is a great intellectual adventure story, made even more exciting because it is from real-life and is genuinely yours. Thank you for sharing it.

-Ross Barlow.

[CNA]

Oh, my, you guys. You are all so sweet. Thank you so very much. Huge Smiles right now

I'm kinda speechless. I just so gotta address all you guys in this one post. I'm very grateful for all the wonderful comments. I'm truly at a loss for words right now.

Ross, thank you. It's an intellectual adventure you'll NEVER forget. It is just that, an amazing journey of discovery and adventure and the love of it.

Gary, stay on it, trust me, it will take. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes some time. It's such a rush. I'm so very proud of you, my cockeyed buddy !! You're too sweet to me, all syrupy.

Victor, thank you for helping me. You know writing is not my strong point. It's actually quite funny because it wasn't only a discovery of my friends, it was an amazing journey of discovering myself, ah, the wonderful discoveries and so liberating at that !!! That reasoning process at that time actually turned me into the ultimate loner. I stopped hanging out with Mia and all those girls. It just wasn't me and I knew it and I wasn't going to betray who I really was. I still went out with friends and such but not much. But the more discoveries I made about myself and those around me, I started to withdraw even more and SAW way too much. I was always the one off to the side watching and listening. In fact, there's a get together this Sunday with all the guys and girls I used to hang out with when I was a kid, my so-called Heshion days. I'm still into Rock n Roll but not a Heshion as they call it. It's going to be lots of fun and very interesting. I just might see my first boyfriend there. YIKES

Mike, thank you. I'm not familiar with Kelley and his work so I can't read the page that you cited but I understand what he is meaning. Thank you.

I'm all teary eyed. <gush, gush> I'm tickled pink that you guys liked it. You guys are so sweet !! Thank you very much

Angie

[gary williams]

Firecracker,

You know I will.

It's an intellectual adventure I'll never forget. It's just that, an amazing journey of discovery and adventure and the love of it.

Wait......you just said that! Ooops!

I guess all I need to say is....Ditto!

Now if you will excuse me, I have a bad hankering for some Flapjacks! ;)

gw

[Victor Pross]

Reading Angie's article again, I got caught up in her story, as if it were dramatic fiction, and it hit me in the emotional gut. Somewhere in the middle of her struggle to identify her inner state, those around her and her relationship to them, I felt like jumping in and saying:

"You don't have to see through the eyes of others, hold on to yours, stand on your own judgment, you know that what is, is--say it aloud, like the holiest of prayers, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Atlas Shrugged

Edited September 2, 2006 by Victor Pross

[Jody Gomez]

Alrighty, I think life has come to a point where I will now have the time to once again be an active participant here. I logged in, clicked the new posts link, and this was the first on the list. What an article to come back home to! Angie I'm sorry that I say this in public, but you were amazing! That article, along with the great quote by Michael was a hell of a pep-rally for someone who has been away for awhile. This article kicks ass, and takes important philosophical names, which so much supposed KASS these days fails to do.

It's also good to see that Michael and Kat have a slight inclination towards charity by letting that SOB gary w. stick around here. I got something good for you gw, just email me your address. Won't quite match up to the Opus, but I think you'll enjoy it.

[CNA]

OH, MY GOD, I'm starting to feel a bit woozy. Damn, I'm not sure if I can believe what I am seeing. I gotta rub my eyes to make sure I'm not seeing things....Is it really you, Jody? Are you actually back? Holy hell, I'm feelin' really faint and all flustered now..........

[CNA]

Wow, damn, My Boooyyyyy is actually back !! It's nice to see you again. Where the hell have you been? Livin' under a rock or something or what?

I'm ecstatic that you think my article "kicks ass." Thank you. But hey, I can give you gw's email address as well as his home address, his home phone, his social security number, his bank account numbers, his pin numbers, his mother's maiden name, and his favorite pet's name, if you really really really need it. Just let me know and I'll send it your way in a flash. No questions asked. I OWN his ass now. hehehehehehehehe !!!!!!

[gary williams]

Damn, the standards around here have really gone to hell!!!

They will let anybody in!

Where the hell ya been Punk? Pomo, New Zealand?

Ooops! I had better not bad mouth you! The last time I did that, someone named CNA ripped me a new one!

Speaking of Firecracker -

Yes folks, she really does own my ass! It was a fair trade!

Now if I can only get her interested in some of my other body parts! ;)

And Jody, in all seriousness let me just say -

Welcome back and kiss my ass! (er...Angie's ass!)

gw

[Jody Gomez]

Angie-Thanks for that welcome, I almost blushed. And thanks for giving me the key to gw's wine storage. I'm sure he won't mind if we help ourselves.

gw-Thanks for badmouthing, it's good to see the same assholes here. And thanks for giving me the option of kissing Angie's ass. No offense, it's just that I doubt you wear thongs very often, which I like a lot. Not that I know Angie wears them mind you. ;)

[CNA]

Nah, I wear the really BIG granny panties. You know, the ones that go up to the chin and offers serious coverage in the back. I'm not into butt floss. offers serious wedgie action and gets quite irritating back there ;)

Yeah, he shouldn't mind. Hey, I'm headed down his way next week, you wanna meet up there around 2 am or so, be sure to bring the key. I'll do my best to cover up my granny panties although it doesn't work often. But what the hell, we'll both be boozed up and not giving a shit. Hey, I like red wine. I'm sure he has much of that !! Oh, and we can't forget to bring the munchies too !!! A lot of them because I eat a lot if you haven't heard.

[Victor Pross]

"Nah, I wear the really BIG granny panties."

Hmm, you could fit two people at one time in those, I imagine. Now that's hot. B)

Edited September 10, 2006 by Victor Pross

[CNA]

Remember, Victor, that pix of me has been reduced 100 times. I fill up every inch of those big granny panties of mine. Not much room for anything else and they're really tight too, not much circulation to my feet.

You still game for the dinner and a movie date for the premiere of AS??

[Victor Pross]

There's so much more of you to like then, but I will bring a change of underwear, mind you.

Edited September 10, 2006 by Victor Pross

[CNA]

I'm a WHOLE LOTTA woman over here. Many men are intimidated by me but not you !! hehehehehehe ;)

What's the change of underwear for? You got something planned or what? I'm a little scared to know but so curious. See, If YOU need a change of undies, you've got some crazy shit planned for our night out.

[Victor Pross]

I don't know why I said that! I must be losing it! 'There coming to take me away--ha-ha! There coming to take me a way--ho-ho!'

Edited September 6, 2006 by Victor Pross

[CNA]

You're playin' with me, aren't you? I know what it is....you've got some evil ass shit going on there and you're just not willing to give it up. I can only imagine but god, I hope it's fun !!!

[Victor Pross]

I can’t let out any of my dating proclivities. Damn, it’s too personal. ;)

Edited September 10, 2006 by Victor Pross

[Jody Gomez]

Angie-Yea, I'm not so sure about gw's selection of red wines. I've heard he's more into the blushes, especially the Boones Farm variety. But what can you expect from this character. He even sent me a bottle of Opus One, saying he wasn't really sure what to do with such a red, as he normally preferred grape-tainted sugar-water instead. I'll be happy to meet up with you, on the condition that we make a Victoria's Secret run first. ;)

[CNA]

Angie-Yea, I'm not so sure about gw's selection of red wines. I've heard he's more into the blushes, especially the Boones Farm variety. But what can you expect from this character. He even sent me a bottle of Opus One, saying he wasn't really sure what to do with such a red, as he normally preferred grape-tainted sugar-water instead. I'll be happy to meet up with you, on the condition that we make a Victoria's Secret run first. ;)

Yeah, I know about the Boones Farm. I snuck out to Texas not too long ago. He lassoed my ass from horseback. Next day, we were doing a photo shoot, no VS though, I hadn't shaved in quite a while. But he gave me some Boones Farm and Nyquil. Apparently he ran out of Boones Farm and put too much Nyquil in. Well, I straight out passed out in a patch of poison ivy. Oh, man, when I woke up, my head was pounding and could't stop itching.

If you want to see the shots from the shoot, here it is, just scroll down a bit Photo Shoot

We gotta deal. We can meet up at Gary's and raid his stash of Boones Farm then. No nyquil this time, please. That just screwed me all up and VS run is okay too. ;)

Edited September 7, 2006 by CNA

[gary williams]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys. Someone broke into my wine cellar! *@#&^$@##*#@!!!!!!

The security video is useless. You can only see the culprits from behind. It would appear that one was male (that is still in question) and the other was a very large female.

The only evidence left behind is many, many empty wine bottles, a Rush CD, one HUGE pair of womens underwear, a Victoria's Secret catalog and a whole lot of body hair!

To make matters worse the female wrote " I got'cha whipped!" and " I own your ass!" on the walls in grafitti.

The most puzzling thing about the video is that the guy is the only one wearing Victoria's Secret items. Hmm?

There is something familier about all of this..........

Hey!.....................Wait a minute..............

ANGIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gary williams]

Jody,

What do you take me for? Some kind of hick?!?!?

It's not Blush, it's Rose'!!!!!!!!

Jeez!

And just what is wrong with adding a little sugar to it? Or ice cubes?

Snob!

gw