Trouble In Paradise

[Rich Engle]

Living in Florida has been absolutely glorious for me. Every day is beautiful... At night you can hear a pin drop, the air is fragrant.. I swim and sauna and tan every day, you know...

But anywhere you are, the forces of man and metaphysics can still come after you like a drive-by in the 'hood.

I just spent two days keeping an eye on my roomate, who has a lot of major health problems...they scheduled him for a colonoscopy, which involves, of course, flushing yourself with laxatives. I'll omit the obvious details. Then they bumped up his time for a nuclear stress test to this morning. Great idea.

So that was how it started, really, but it was all good. Until this morning at 7am. That's when my neighbor thought it was a good idea to fire up his gas powered air compressor to about 110db and start power washing his trailer. It was like a million hammers going off in my head.

I decided to make the most of it and went out there, fired up my lawnmower, and mowed the postage stamp lawn. But he wouldn't relent...jackhammers, man.

Next step, well, fine...I changed, and went around the corner to hit the pool. I figured a quick dip, lay on a chaise and ride it out (you could still hear the thing jackhammering away, but at a distance).

I show up there at 9:30am and what is it...an impromptu Senior Ladies Water Aerobic Class.

This consists of a bunch of yenta-bubby-types, like out of a Phillip Roth novel. I ride this out, hit the chaise.

That's when they started blasting the entire first ABBA album. Right around "Fernando," I hear the Head Bubby In Charge say "Ok, girls, I want you to lay back on your noodles (tee hee hee) (ED: those are those floatie things) and imagine yourself going to your favorite place...then we will all share where we went."

That kind of stuff makes me nuts. So they share the results and one of them says "I know where SHE went, but it's more X-rated than a Chippendales show."

Tee hee hee.

I roll over an look over this, and realized what it was: 3 of them had all been staring at my ass. I'm no big deal, but in pretty good shape for fifty. Apparently more desirable than their husbands."

I felt so...violated. So I tried to shake THAT off.

Which is when the flatbed pulled up, blew me full of diesel fumes... they started unloading concrete, and closed the pool.

Yeah.

Is 2:30 too early to drink martinis?

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Rich,

LOLOLOL...

You get into things that get me in stitches at times.

Michael

[Brant Gaede]

Rich,

Next time the trailer gets dirty, have someone steal it at 5:00AM.

--Brant

always helpful

[Rich Engle]

Brant...

What's the skinny on David Carradine?

Found hung, naked, in a hotel, closet, Bang-Cock?

He was working on a film.

I don't buy it.

Anything?

r