St. Patrick's Day Humor

[BaalChatzaf]

Jayzis Mary and Joseph, seein' how 'tis Sint Podrig's day I thought I would share an Irish joke with you. Pat goes to the doctor who expresses some concernt about Pat's health. He hands him a sterile bottle and tells him to make a urine sample for a urine test. Pat takes the bottle home and discusses the doctor's request. Now Pat is not a very learned man and he has not the foggiest notion of what a urine sample or a urine test is. So his wife Molly says for him to go upstairs and ask his neighbor Mike what a urine sample is. Well, Pat objects saying that he does not like Mike's superior know it all attitude. Molly say to him not to be silly, but go and ask.

So Pat goes upstairs. A few minutes later there is a bumping sound through the ceiling. A little while after that, Pat comes down. He has a fat lip and a block eye. His clothes are all disarranged. Moly says to Pat - Saints Preserve Us! What happened? So Pat says: Well I asked Mike what a urine test is just as nice as you pleased. The snotty son of bitch says to me, say he -- Go piss in a bottle. And I says, say I go shit in your hat! And the foight was on.

Ba'al Chatzaf

[BaalChatzaf]

Jayzis Mary and Joseph, seein' how 'tis Sint Podrig's day I thought I would share an Irish joke with you. Pat goes to the doctor who expresses some concernt about Pat's health. He hands him a sterile bottle and tells him to make a urine sample for a urine test. Pat takes the bottle home and discusses the doctor's request. Now Pat is not a very learned man and he has not the foggiest notion of what a urine sample or a urine test is. So his wife Molly says for him to go upstairs and ask his neighbor Mike what a urine sample is. Well, Pat objects saying that he does not like Mike's superior know it all attitude. Molly say to him not to be silly, but go and ask.

So Pat goes upstairs. A few minutes later there is a bumping sound through the ceiling. A little while after that, Pat comes down. He has a fat lip and a black eye. His clothes are all disarranged. Moly says to Pat - Saints Preserve Us! What happened? So Pat says: Well I asked Mike what a urine test is just as nice as you pleased. The snotty son of bitch says to me, says he -- Go piss in a bottle. And I says, says I go shit in your hat! And the foight was on.

Ba'al Chatzaf

Edited March 17, 2009 by BaalChatzaf

[Selene]

OK I'm in:

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone gotta to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Edited March 17, 2009 by Selene

[BaalChatzaf]

OK I'm in:

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone gotta to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

'Tis a funny one, it is. Erin go bragh.

Ba'al Chatzaf

[Ed Hudgins]

For the occasion!

[Selene]

And what's a friend's wife for?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

[Ed Hudgins]

Very politically incorrect from P.J O’Rourke:

Did you hear about the Irishman who got so drunk that he actually kissed his wife and beat the Pope’s foot to a bloody pulp with a coal shovel?

[Chris Grieb]

Thanks! Those are some good stories.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Woman: Help! Help! I've been raped by an Irishman!

Policeman: Where?

Woman: In that dark alley over there!

Policeman: How do you know the rapist was an Irishman?

Woman: I had to help him.

[Selene]

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer

and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,

and one of them said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,

and the other Irishman said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews

are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,

and one of the Irishmen said,

"What a terrible pity...

one of the girls must be quite ill."

[Kat]

[BaalChatzaf]

This is a pip! (piss in pants).

Ba'al Chatzaf