Accentuate the Positive

[dongrimme]

[The following article (enhanced here with some photos) is one of the "Personal and Interpersonal Effectiveness" chapters from my wife’s and my forthcoming book, The New Manager's Tool Kit. Unlike my article on "An Employer Crisis" (geared to workplace managers), this one is potentially relevant to any person (certainly any rational person with or striving for a benevolent sense of life.]

Accentuate the Positive

Much of this book deals with optimizing individual performance. The fundamental factor – underlying the successful application of all other performance factors – is attitude.

Unfortunately, too often attitude is dismissed as something we're cursed (or blessed) with and unable to change ... or just too intangible to deal with objectively in the workplace.

All of these attitudes about attitude are incorrect and counter-productive. A person's attitude (both fundamental view of life and specific views of various life challenges) is reflected in objective behavior and can be changed. Not manipulated by outside forces, but transformed by the individual.

This article examines the nature of attitude, why it's important, three different attitudes (and how they're reflected in behavior), and how to transform it with self-talk. Also included is an activity to gauge your own attitude and 6 additional tips for improving it.

What Is Attitude?

Attitude is the underlying way we think, feel and act – how we react to the world around us. It determines the quality and effectiveness of all of our thinking, emotions and behavior … and, thereby, the positive or negative consequences of that behavior.

Attitude is the one thing we can count on as a lifetime companion. Jobs and relationships come and go, but your attitude is always with you. You can't take a vacation from yourself!

Attitude is based upon our expectations and perceptions – our definition of reality. [NOTE to OL readers: Yes, reality is an objective absolute, but how it is perceived and experienced varies considerably from person to person.]

3 Types of People – 3 Different Attitudes

Each of the following has the same job, but notice their attitudes:

Susan Spectator

likes the predictability and limited responsibility of her job. She feels most comfortable when others make the important decisions. She feels threatened when anything out of the norm happens and calls her manager for instructions. She never feels certain about anything and has difficulty making commitments.

Carl Critic

feels frustrated in his job, but at least it gives him a chance to complain and to vent his frustrations on all the "idiots" he deals with. When confronted with his mistakes, he looks for excuses and others to blame. He hates what he regards as impositions placed on him by coworkers and customers. His negative opinions are known by all.

Paula Player

views her job as an opportunity to experience the thrill of competence and meeting progressive challenges. She enjoys interacting with her coworkers, customers and management. When she makes a mistake, she acknowledges it to herself and to those impacted by it … and then looks to see how she can correct it and learn from it.

Susan Spectator, Carl Critic and Paula Player exemplify three very different ways of approaching life and relating to others – three different attitudes:

1. Spectators with Neutral Attitudes

Spectators watch life happen and observe others. They play it safe and try to avoid risks. Spectators are afraid of change. They often are tired or detached. Their defining word is: Maybe. Their prevailing

action: Coast... Typical phrases: I'm not sure, I might, I don't know and I’m hesitant.

2. Critics with Negative Attitudes

Critics comment on life and complain. They critique after the fact, imposing their "expertise" and finding fault in others. Critics are annoyed about change. They often appear frustrated or pessimistic. Their defining word is: No! Their prevailing action: Stop! Typical phrases: I can't, I won't, No way and You made me.

3. Players with Positive Attitudes

Players actively participate in life and embrace opportunities. They take risks and are willing to make mistakes. Players enjoy learning and change. They usually are confident and optimistic. Their defining word is: Yes! Their prevailing action: Go! Typical phrases: I can, I will, I'm sure and I choose to.

Adapted with permission from:

Attitude: The Choice is Yours

by Michele Matt, CSP, Book Marketing Solutions, 2007.

Most of us have some of each type and attitude in us. Often, though, one general attitude predominates.

Why is Attitude Important?

A study of success factors by Telemetrics International surveyed 16,000 people. The study found that one of the most significant differences between high and low achievers was their attitude!

Let's look at two examples from figure skating:

Sarah Hughes won the Olympic Gold Medal in 2002. She had far less experience and probably less raw talent than her main competition, e.g., Michelle Kwan and Irena Slutskaya, whom she trailed as they entered the final stage of the competition, the free skate. Sarah won the free skate and the championship by skating her heart out – “the performance of a lifetime.” She was in the moment.

While her competitors were plagued by the pressure of expectations and, therefore, by mistakes, Sarah skated with pure joy and was flawless. Also of note is her close relationship with her very supportive coach, Robin Wagner. [see Tip #4 later in this article.]

Tonya Harding, on the other hand, performed dismally in an earlier Olympic competition. A two-time national champion, Tonya was the first American woman to complete a triple Axel in major competition. She had the talent. Tonya Harding is remembered, however, as being implicated in the brutal attack on her teammate, Nancy Kerrigan (who went on to win the Olympic Silver Medal).

Tonya, a high school dropout and now twice divorced, had often blamed outside factors (e.g., her skate laces) for mistakes in her performance. At that time, she was married to a truly sleazy man, who, for example, arranged the attack on Kerrigan. In interviews and photos, Tonya often appeared sad and insecure, even when smiling.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news: We can't control everything that happens to us. [isn’t that a bummer?]

Nancy Kerrigan certainly didn't plan on being bashed in the knee shortly before the Olympics. Sarah Hughes couldn't count on mistakes being made by her competitors.

The good news: The one thing we can always control is our attitude!

Even before learning that she had won the Gold Medal (due, in part, to luck), Sarah Hughes knew that she had done her personal best. Nancy Kerrigan wasn't quite as lucky – she "only" won Silver. But she also knew that she had turned in a transcendent performance, despite her injury.

And you do control your attitude:

No one can make you feel anything without your permission!

When we make that statement in our training classes, participants often take issue with it. Perhaps you do, as well.

We are not referring to children or to victims of physical violence, nor to the transitory emotions triggered by external events. Rather to an adult’s basic state of emotional well-being and self-esteem.

For example, the attack on Nancy Kerrigan was captured on video. She certainly experienced pain and anguish at that time. But it didn’t affect her attitude or her Olympic performance. [Fortunately, the physical damage to her knee was not incapacitating.]

And here's the payoff:

Control of your attitude --> Control of your life!

Application #1

1. Recall a challenge you faced in your interactions with others (whether on your current job, in a previous job or in your personal life).
   
2. Describe the situation, the other people involved, what was challenging about it, and how you handled it.
   • What were your actions? Your thoughts? Your feelings?
     
   • What statements did you use? In what tone of voice?
     
   • What was your body language? Your facial expression?
     

[*]Now step back and look at what you've written. Were you a Spectator, Critic or Player (or some combination)?

[*]How could you face and handle a similar challenge in the future?

Self-Talk

More good news: A negative or neutral attitude can always be changed!

One way to do this, perhaps the most powerful, is by listening to your self-talk and changing negative statements to positive ones.

We communicate every moment of our lives, not only with others, but also with ourselves. And much of this self-talk comes from a tape in our mind. Much of the data on that tape was recorded during early learning experiences, some came later.

By the time we're 17, we've taken in, and recorded, 150,000 pieces of negative data! For example: You can't … You shouldn't … You'll only fail … Don't try … Who are you to...?

Garbage In --> Garbage Out

This expression from computer programming is applicable to mental programming as well. If you fill your mind with negative thoughts, you will have a negative attitude! And this negative attitude will poison your actions – resulting in negative consequences.

Fortunately, all these negative thoughts can be transformed into positive thoughts, attitudes and actions … and consequences!

Monitor your self-talk. Catch yourself using negative words and phrases, and replace them with positive dialogue. For example:

• I'm a failure --> I've not yet succeeded.
  
• I messed up --> That didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I’ll try again.
  
• I am a mistake --> That was a mistake. OK. What can I learn from it?
  

Application #2

1. Write down some of your negative thoughts and/or statements you’ve made about yourself, your job or others.
   
2. Think about what you’ve written. How accurate or fair are these thoughts or statements?
   
3. Try reframing each thought into a more accurate, fair and positive statement.
   

How to Change Your Self-Talk

There are four steps – each is important:

#1: Recognize

Start paying attention to your internal dialogue, especially when feeling disappointed or frustrated. What are you saying to yourself? It's probably negative and untrue or unfair. Very likely, it's unduly harsh.

And don't limit this to major issues. Our sense of ourselves is formed primarily by our thoughts about the little things – the typos of life. If you do this often enough regarding your minute-by-minute thoughts and actions, you'll be well prepared to face the big challenges.

#2: STOP!

Tell yourself:

STOP!

... or words/images to that effect. For example, Sheryl often visualizes a blinking red stoplight. Don usually says:

No! That's not true!

You don't deserve the kind of negative judgments you may have been making on yourself.

#3: Restate

But don’t leave it at that. It's very important to reframe the negative statement into a positive, and more accurate, one. For example, change:

I'll never be able to do this!

to:

That was a bit disappointing. Oh well, better next time.

For extra credit – and to become more effective in action – you can add:

Let's see; what can I learn from this? How can I do it better next time?

#4: Reward

If you have the time and can afford it, you can take yourself on a shopping spree. More often, however, we suggest you pat yourself on the back. [And don't hesitate to do this literally, particularly in private.] For example:

Hey! I did it! Well done!

Those are the four steps to take – every time you notice a negative thought. But, in a sense, there's a fifth step, as well: Practice!

Reframing just one or two negative thoughts isn't going to help that much. Remember, you're challenging a lifetime of heavily negative programming. As with any other skill, you need to keep practicing this four-step process, until this transformation becomes a habit.

Six Other Tips for a More Positive Attitude

1. Stay in the present tense.

You can't change the past. And you cannot yet take action in the future. What you've been given to work with is the present.

When do you spend most of your mental life? Ruminating about the past? Worrying about the future? [Although planning is effective, worrying is totally unproductive, even counter-productive.]

Or, are you in the moment – fully focused on what you're thinking, feeling and doing at this time? Be...Here...Now!

The Circle of Imagination

Before reading Tip #2 … we recommend that you try this brief two-part visualization exercise:

1. Imagine that you're part of a circle of people. Place in the center of the circle a loved one, e.g., child, spouse, or friend. Imagine that your loved one is in anguish – feeling pain and fear and, perhaps, crying. What do you feel impelled to do or say to that person?
   • 
     
   • --> Do not go on to the second part until you've completed this visualization. <--
     
   • 
     

[*]You're still part of that circle. But this time, put yourself in the center of the circle. That's right, simultaneously, you are in the center and you are watching yourself from the rim. Imagine that the “you” in the center is in anguish – feeling pain and fear and, perhaps, crying. What do you (the observer) feel impelled to do or say to that person?

Now reflect on what you said or did in the two visualizations. Any differences?

Most people are more compassionate, supportive and nurturing with the loved one than with themselves. That's a shame. Don't you deserve the same level of compassion as you give your loved ones?

2. Talk to yourself in a calming, compassionate manner.

If you entered the Circle of Imagination, you may have discovered that you tend not to do this. But we hope you agree that you deserve such treatment.

For example, replace:

Get your act together, [your last name]!

with:

It's OK, [your nickname], just relaaaxxx.

And please do address yourself fondly, e.g., using your nickname, rather than last name (as a drill sergeant, stuffy teacher or cold boss might).

3. Talk yourself out of unreasonable expectations and fearful thoughts.

Use the same technique as we did for self-talk. Really challenge those expectations and fears. How reasonable, realistic or likely are the events you're projecting? If they're not reasonable, tell yourself to STOP! ... and reframe your expectations to more likely (and less alarming) ones.

If you really do think your expectations are reasonable (but undesirable), try to come to terms with them. Even people facing certain death sometimes have been able to become accepting and serene.

4. Surround yourself with positive people.

It is difficult (although not impossible) to remain positive, while those around you are nay-sayers and critics. Compare Sarah Hughes' coach (and family) with Tonya Harding's husband (and dismal childhood).

Definitely separate yourself from the optional relationships in your life (e.g., significant others, friends, acquaintances) that are sucking your energy, self-confidence and self-worth. And start reaching out to those who do give you what you need – the positive strokes and shared values.

And you may even want to consider separating from employment and familial relationships that are not fulfilling. If that is not feasible – or if it is a mixed bag – begin asserting yourself and modifying the implicit ground rules of the relationship.

5. Don’t should on yourself.

Shoulds are expectations that we usually fall short of, because they tend to be what matters more to other people – perhaps people from the past like our parents, whose dictums we’ve internalized. This can lead to enormous stress on all parties concerned.

A should that you want to do is a want. Do it because you want to do it.

Take a second look at any should you don't want to do. Discover if you really do want to (perhaps considering a broader context) ... or eliminate it.

Test this out with the shoulds that you use. For example:

should

you go to the dentist for a root canal? Perhaps the experience itself is unpleasant. But visualize the consequences of not doing it. If you really get in touch with the long-term benefit of the procedure, you probably will

want

to keep that dental appointment.

This is not just semantics. Such words have emotional impact. A should acts as a whip – you drag yourself to fulfill it. A want, on the other hand, is motivating and energizing.

6. Take action!

This article is an example of the cognitive-behavioral approach to mental well-being. Most of the foregoing has focused on the cognitive aspect. Equally important is the behavioral. Just doing positive things will improve your attitude.*

* [Personal note: Two years ago, my wife, partner and coauthor, Sheryl, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. This, of course, has had a significant impact on our life. The behavioral aspect has predominated our handling of the MS challenge. Indeed, doing positive things (e.g., medical treatment, physical therapy, lifestyle changes) has given us a positive attitude.]