The Jews and the 'Genitals'

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

The Jews and the 'Genitals': The best - or worst - schoolboy howlers

24th November 2007

Daily Mail

I caught this link on another forum. It is a hilarious set of excerpts from Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers By Schoolchildren by Norman McGreevy. These are actual comments made on exams by kids. Here are a few of the ones that set me off.

A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.

Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem.

In some rocks there are to be found the fossil footprints of fishes.

The Dutch people use water power to drive their windmills.

Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In the middle of the 18th-century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.

The U.S.S.R. and the U.S.A. became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.

Stradivarius is an imaginary prehistoric animal.

The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery".

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

Gonads are a tribe of wandering desert people.

Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Michael

[pbmaltzman]

Michael, for a moment there, I thought you were resurrecting the discussion on circumcision!

I think of howlers like these whenever some schmuck tells me that (1) spelling things correctly matters not at all, and (2) the ability and willingness to spell words correctly doesn't mean a person is intelligent.

HAHAHAHAHA... I do medical transcription for a living. If I didn't know "to" from "two" from "too," or "perineal" from "peroneal" (and MANY other sound-alikes), I'd be fired... and I'd richly deserve it.

The Jews and the 'Genitals': The best - or worst - schoolboy howlers

24th November 2007

Daily Mail

I caught this link on another forum. It is a hilarious set of excerpts from Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers By Schoolchildren by Norman McGreevy. These are actual comments made on exams by kids. Here are a few of the ones that set me off.

A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.

Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem.

In some rocks there are to be found the fossil footprints of fishes.

The Dutch people use water power to drive their windmills.

Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In the middle of the 18th-century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.

The U.S.S.R. and the U.S.A. became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.

Stradivarius is an imaginary prehistoric animal.

The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery".

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

Gonads are a tribe of wandering desert people.

Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Michael

Edited November 27, 2007 by Pam Maltzman

[Judith]

Hmmm. The way I heard it, "Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

Some of my favorites:

The locusts were the chief plague in Egypt. They ate all the first-born.

Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery.

The wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters.

The three wise men were Winken, Blinken, and Nod.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plage is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national lanuage of England, France and Italy.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

---------------------------------------------

And my favorites, the science:

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

------------------------

Judith

[Wrighty]

Thank you so very much for all these. Laughter IS the best medicine and this has been a total overdose!!

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead

This passage had me in tears...I then read on and came back to it later. And I still laughed till I cried!!

[Wrighty]

Michael, for a moment there, I thought you were resurrecting the discussion on circumcision!

I think of howlers like these whenever some schmuck tells me that (1) spelling things correctly matters not at all, and (2) the ability and willingness to spell words correctly doesn't mean a person is intelligent.

HAHAHAHAHA... I do medical transcription for a living. If I didn't know "to" from "two" from "too," or "perineal" from "peroneal" (and MANY other sound-alikes), I'd be fired... and I'd richly deserve it.

Pam - sound alikes in English cause many pitfalls....but consider this poor opera singer rendering the Croatian National Anthem before a recent international match in London between England and Croatia...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/7109058.stm

Its right up there with "Ich bin ein Berliner"

Peter

[Judith]

Thank you so very much for all these. Laughter IS the best medicine and this has been a total overdose!!

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead

This passage had me in tears...I then read on and came back to it later. And I still laughed till I cried!!

They do have a cumulative effect. About fifteen years ago, I was trying to read a series of these at a party. I got so far, and then just lost it. I couldn't read the next line without choking and screaming with laughter. I handed it to someone else and he had the same problem. Finally, a third person was able to get out the line and continue the reading. The line that broke the camel's back? I've been looking for it on my computer but can't find it exactly. It was something to the effect that when Caesar's murderers confronted him, he said, "Tee hee, Brutus!"

Judith

[pbmaltzman]

Yeah, Peter, that's a real doozy, all right.

In medical transcription here in the U.S. we get many doctors for whom English is their second language--so I suppose they should get a little more leeway. But I get a lot of supposedly native (American-English) speakers who massacre the language pretty badly too. Whenever a doctor tries to spell something, whether it's a drug name or a patient name, I shake my head and look it up.

I don't have as much sympathy for doctors as some people might... after all, they're higher up in the hierarchy than I am (and usually with an attitude to boot), and they're supposed to *know* what those big words are.

Michael, for a moment there, I thought you were resurrecting the discussion on circumcision!

I think of howlers like these whenever some schmuck tells me that (1) spelling things correctly matters not at all, and (2) the ability and willingness to spell words correctly doesn't mean a person is intelligent.

HAHAHAHAHA... I do medical transcription for a living. If I didn't know "to" from "two" from "too," or "perineal" from "peroneal" (and MANY other sound-alikes), I'd be fired... and I'd richly deserve it.

Pam - sound alikes in English cause many pitfalls....but consider this poor opera singer rendering the Croatian National Anthem before a recent international match in London between England and Croatia...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/7109058.stm

Its right up there with "Ich bin ein Berliner"

Peter

Edited November 29, 2007 by Pam Maltzman