Before it starts

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

(I just got this from Barbara. I'm still laughing:)

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You Asshole! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[Kat]

DAYAAMM!!!

[Roger Bissell]

Subject: Married couple . . . .

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?", asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could

think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was

getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:

chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.. at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty

words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..

"LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?