True Headlines

[Steve Gagne]

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER

[imagine that!]

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY

[No! Really?!]

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

[What a guy]!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

[Good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

[Who would have thought?]

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

[They may be on to something!]

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

[Weren't they fat enough?]

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACK

[Taste like chicken?]

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

[boy, are they tall!]