The Lord of the Rings

[Robert Jones]

Frodo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the inn, I don't want you near my castle. When you see our Queen, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?

***

I did not seek out these movies, because I never could get into D&D costume flicks. I suppose that the closest I came to being a potential reveller in these movies is that I am a fan of Ronnie James Dio's album "Killing the Dragon," but that really is quite a stretch.

First of all, the cinematography is gorgeous: Lots of light streaming in nooks and crannies and crevices. A lot of muted tones of pewter, forest green and cobalt blue -- it made me wonder why Peter Jackson didn't have it filmed in black and white; that would have made more sense, but most people have an irrational aversion to black and white, particularly those who are big budget movie fans.

The costumes and sets were very good and very believeable, as were the special effects. Lots of Indiana Jones stuff, but -- sadly -- without Indiana Jones.

Mostly, though, my chief complaint is with the script and the acting. I'm sure glad that there was more than one reviewer about to tell me that this trilogy was about good and evil. I sort of got that from Elijah Wood running aroud everywhere toting this gold ring which has supernatural, but very unlucky powers. He really wants to get rid of it bad, sort of like a Medieval "Talking Tina" doll.

There's only one way to totally get rid of it, though, and that's why what otherwise would have been a half-hour "Twilight Zone" episode has been turned into a mini-series Renaissance faire that's longer than Wagner's (coincidentally) Ring cycle.

Actually, this plot would have been better as a Star Trek episode. After an hour of the ring causing Tribbles in the cargo hold and invading Klingons, Jim Kirk could have soliloquy'd: "Got....to....get....rid...of...Ring," whereupon Spock would have replied, "Captain, the logical course of action is to send it back to the jeweler, and get a refund. It's still under warranty."

However, this collection of celluloid deals with nerds before the advent of daily bathing, though I often wonder, "did this fellowship of crusaders get their perfect 21st century teeth because the Ring comes with a comprehensive dental plan?"

The main weakness of this movie is the acting. Sure, Sir Lord Knight Ian MacKellen gives a believeable performance as the Old Guy in the Witch's Hat. The rest of the movie, however, consists of a bunch of pretty fair haired lads and lasses who whisper inscrutable piffle to each other in the form of deeply profound sounding monologues, delivered in a deeply anesthetizing monotone. Everything is so gosh darned deep and weighty, but when these folks lock their glassy Jim Jones Unification Church eyes, we in the audience are sure to know: "Ah ha! Here comes another clue! Now we can get out our Little Orphan Bilbo decoder rings to try and figure out just what in Hades they're talking about!"

Now, this may be my fault. When I was in high school, I scoffed at the D&D playing, "Chronicles of Narnia" reading, Hobbitry nerds. I was a more socially well-adjusted nerd, belonging to the far more sensible backgammon club and into new wave music like Devo and Duran Duran. So, I can't exactly relate to all this knights of the ringtable esoterica. So, if you're inclined to be one who's into this sort of thing, I'm sure it will have you on the edge of your seat, comparing the movie to the book.

But, for the unconverted, I really wish that the actors had been primed for these pictures by being forced to watch movies by Errol Flynn, Charlton Heston, Ronald Colman and Orson Welles, to see how to breathe some freaking LIFE into their anemic performances. My God, it was as though the whole cast somnambulated their way through the script on Prozac. Heston wouldn't have done it that way. Oh, no: He would have had a "damn it all to hell, you damn dirty apes are all made out of soylent green!" moment or two.

Orson Welles would have waddled through the enchanted forest, drawling in Southern dialect about how the ring could be bribed and corrupted, and the dashing Flynn and wry Colman would have swashbuckled away the dragons and flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz without even getting a run in their tights.

But, that would have been seen in this sophisticated era as less profound and more entertaining. Entertaining don't get Oscars nowadays.

I was about to request my commanding officer put me in for a Purple Heart for having to endure all three segments of this yawn-inducing folderol, but a buddy of mine informed me I had only watched one segment. I guess this series does have a kind of magic going for it: I could have sworn I sat through all nine hours. What I did manage to see was so lifeless and dull, I had to keep a defribulator at the ready. Just in case.

P.S.: Victor: Not ripping you off on the Heston quote; I wrote this a few years ago. I guess it's just that great minds think alike, or some such. R.

Edited April 1, 2007 by Robert Jones

[John Dailey]

RJ:

~ ROTFLMAO !!

~ Really, there's nothing to 'disagree' with you here. You focus on what you dis-liked about the movie, others, like moi, focused on what is liked (and, I couldn't stand the books): Apples, Oranges; Liverwurst, Limburger.

~ But, your negative take is really a trip. Should I watch this trilogy again, I'll definitely watch it in a new perspective.

LLAP

J:D

[Victor Pross]

Robert,

I believe my line was "It's a maaaaaaad house!" :turned:

-Victor

[CNA]

Oh, man, this is just freakin' great. The next time I watch it I'll be bustin' up throughout the whole thing as your description of it will sit in the back of my mind now.

My favorite though is this: "Actually, this plot would have been better as a Star Trek episode. After an hour of the ring causing Tribbles in the cargo hold and invading Klingons, Jim Kirk could have soliloquy'd: "Got....to....get....rid...of...Ring," whereupon Spock would have replied, "Captain, the logical course of action is to send it back to the jeweler, and get a refund. It's still under warranty."

Laughing so hard, that's just great, so true. My dad was a huge Trekkie fan and taped all of them. I used to hear it playing all the time so pretty familiar with it. LOL That's just so perfect.

Thanks for the laughs, Robert

[Bidinotto]

Remember, folks, the ever-insightful and always-entertaining film reviews of Robert L. Jones can be found every month in the pages of The New Individualist.

So, if you are STILL not a subscriber, inquiring minds want to know: WHY NOT???

[Greybird]

What Angie said! I can't count the number of times I've had that mental image of Spock raising the eyebrow at some silly over-doing, in and out of esthetics, and drolly remarking, "Fascinating." This is even better.

Robert's spot-on about the acting. McKellen can menace as Magneto, Wood redeemed some mindless sitcoms on occasion, and Astin turned Rudy's ambition into something palpable. And I'd kill to kiss Liv Tyler's Arwen ears. Yet their performances all fell flat here, on my having seen the first installment. (All I could endure. Same with "Harry Potter.")

[Judith]

I did find myself wishing they'd all take baths, even if they had to roll in the bloody snow.

Still, there was one moment that moved me so much, I kept rewinding to watch it again and again: the death of Theoden -- the scene with Theoden and Eowyn. Gets me every time. I wish I'd had a father or father-figure like that in my life.

Judith

[John Dailey]

Greybird:

~ As you humans would say, "I beg your pardon?"

~ A typically human-type emotionally-subjectivist 'comparison' between early forms of made-for-TV-series-writing and literary-fantasies brought to a quarter-century later cinema. Apples, oranges, as you...humans...would say, applies here. One might's well 'compare' CHEERS with SPACEBALLS re comedy. :sick:

~ Only 'The Great Bird of the Galaxy' knows how Data or 7-of-9 would regard such...comparisons. :shocked: :cry:

~ (Eyebrow raised) Fascinating. :logik:

LLAP

J:D

PS: The LOTR movie-trilogy was...cool; acting included.

Edited April 3, 2007 by John Dailey

[Robert Jones]

RJ:

~ ROTFLMAO !!

~ Really, there's nothing to 'disagree' with you here. You focus on what you dis-liked about the movie, others, like moi, focused on what is liked (and, I couldn't stand the books): Apples, Oranges; Liverwurst, Limburger.

~ But, your negative take is really a trip. Should I watch this trilogy again, I'll definitely watch it in a new perspective.

LLAP

J:D

That reminds me of an e-mail I got from a guy, who once told me he went to movies and/or rented, or not attended/rented based on my reviews. But, I never intended to be a "thumbs-up/down" gatekeeping troll like those two hacks in the pay of the studios. ;)

So, you're right, we can not only agree to disagree, we can agree not to disagree and just have a good time, which is what movies are all about. I LOVE bad movies, or bad in my estimation at least: When a movie goes sour for me, it's MST 3000 time!

[Robert Jones]

Remember, folks, the ever-insightful and always-entertaining film reviews of Robert L. Jones can be found every month in the pages of The New Individualist.

So, if you are STILL not a subscriber, inquiring minds want to know: WHY NOT???

Thanks for the plug, Robert!

YES, go out and subscribe to TNI! Like, now!!!

[Robert Jones]

Oh, man, this is just freakin' great. The next time I watch it I'll be bustin' up throughout the whole thing as your description of it will sit in the back of my mind now.

My favorite though is this: "Actually, this plot would have been better as a Star Trek episode. After an hour of the ring causing Tribbles in the cargo hold and invading Klingons, Jim Kirk could have soliloquy'd: "Got....to....get....rid...of...Ring," whereupon Spock would have replied, "Captain, the logical course of action is to send it back to the jeweler, and get a refund. It's still under warranty."

Laughing so hard, that's just great, so true. My dad was a huge Trekkie fan and taped all of them. I used to hear it playing all the time so pretty familiar with it. LOL That's just so perfect.

Thanks for the laughs, Robert

Thanks for your comments, too, Judith, Greybird! I'm glad to get a laugh out of anyone, so thanks Angie! I can 't help it: Like the South Park boys, I relate to everything through "Star Trek." I remember one episode of South Park where one of them says something like "and as it said in the Bible, 'sometimes the good of the many is more important than the good of the few.'" and Kyle replies, "no dude, that wasn't the Bible, that was Star Trek." Beautiful observation on how Star Trek has become a modern religion. BTW, you gotta see "Galaxy Quest," a spoof on the whole Trekkie convention phenomenon that turns into a great adventure flick!

[John Dailey]

RJ:

~ Holy Cow! ANOTHER fan of the defunct MST 3000! Oh, Joy, happy, happy.

~ The SF channel really pulled a bad one in cancelling that show. There were a few times a friend of mine and I went to the theater and almost got thrown out doing a 'Crow' and 'Tom' conversation about the movie, even the 'good' ones; it was just too tempting at times given us both there.

~ Gaia knows how we would have handled Gibson's THE PASSION or CATWOMAN, but, those are other threads. Yes, LOTR would've gotten it's share of such adolescent idiocy had we seen it together; but, we didn't.

LLAP

J:D

PS: Yes, GALAXY QUEST really is hilarious, but then with Allen-'Kirk', Weaver -'Uhura' and Rickman-'Spock' it couldn't avoid being such; nice touch where the 'nerds' actually ended up helping instead of taking Shatner's mocking advice.

Edited April 7, 2007 by John Dailey

[Robert Jones]

RJ:

~ Holy Cow! ANOTHER fan of the defunct MST 3000! Oh, Joy, happy, happy.

~ The SF channel really pulled a bad one in cancelling that show. There were a few times a friend of mine and I went to the theater and almost got thrown out doing a 'Crow' and 'Tom' conversation about the movie, even the 'good' ones; it was just too tempting at times given us both there.

~ Gaia knows how we would have handled Gibson's THE PASSION or CATWOMAN, but, those are other threads. Yes, LOTR would've gotten it's share of such adolescent idiocy had we seen it together; but, we didn't.

LLAP

J:D

PS: Yes, GALAXY QUEST really is hilarious, but then with Allen-'Kirk', Weaver -'Uhura' and Rickman-'Spock' it couldn't avoid being such; nice touch where the 'nerds' actually ended up helping instead of taking Shatner's mocking advice.

See, that's the genius of "Galaxy Quest":

1. You called Allen "Shatner"; He was really well-written, and,

2. I actually liked Tim Allen for once. You know, comedy is a really tricky thing, because one man's funny is another man's yawn. I have never found Tim Allen funny, but he was so well-written as the straight man, he was quite funny in this role.

3. Alan Rickman wasn't just Spock, he was also Data! He was totally deadpan and a scream!

4. Ah, Tom Servo and Crow! What's you're fave MST 3000? My two are "Red Zone Cuba" and "Kitten With a Whip" (an example, as you say, of a 'good' one -- I saw it without MST overdub and it was actually a great trashy flick. Douglas Heyes, the director, actually did some "Twilight Zone" episodes.

P.S.: I still haven't seen "Passion of the Christ," but I have seen "Apocalypto." There was more gore in that movie than "An Inconvenient Truth."

Edited April 7, 2007 by Robert Jones

[John Dailey]

~ Unfortunately (I think), can't remember a single title of the 'B' ('Z'?) movies (or public-ads, and, one of THOSE was rip-roaring in a single little 'scene' of commenting) they did, but only the 'scenes' they were commenting upon...which made the scenes, for-the-moment...knee-slapping falling-off-the-chair ones. I could list them out, but, they had to be seen (AND heard-the-comments/sound-effects!) to really appreciate.

~ Crow, Tom, et al could've made SPARTACUS and ARMAGEDDON seem like Woody Allen's WHAT'S UP, TIGER LILLY? Ishtar knows what they could've done with 300 or the original FRANKENSTEIN! None would be seen the same again.

~ I've enjoyed HOME IMPROVEMENT; I thought Tim Allen was really good there. His movies, well, GQ was the best, no argument, but not from him; his other movies were just lousy regardless who did them. And Rick Wakeman? Yes, he was a compilation; glad to see him getting out of being typecast from DIE HARD. He's too good to be stuck in that prob.

LLAP

J:D

[John Dailey]

Addendum:

~ KITTEN WITH A WHIP was NOT 'trash'! Keep in mind that they also 'analyzed' THIS ISLAND EARTH, a 'classic' of it's time.

~ We're talkin' Ann-Margret here, guy! EVERYTHING she was in was Good! Just 'cause she was there! (Now, Forsythe, well, ok, he didn't add much. Actually, they could've edited out all his scenes.)

LLAP

J:D

Edited April 8, 2007 by John Dailey

[Robert Jones]

Addendum:

~ KITTEN WITH A WHIP was NOT 'trash'! Keep in mind that they also 'analyzed' THIS ISLAND EARTH, a 'classic' of it's time.

~ We're talkin' Ann-Margret here, guy! EVERYTHING she was in was Good! Just 'cause she was there! (Now, Forsythe, well, ok, he didn't add much. Actually, they could've edited out all his scenes.)

LLAP

J:D

I didn't say the movie was "trash" but "trashy," mainly referring to Ann-Margret's trashy character. I agree, it was quite good movie. I thought Forsythe was too stiff, too bad, considering he has been so good in many other movies.

[Robert Jones]

~ Unfortunately (I think), can't remember a single title of the 'B' ('Z'?) movies (or public-ads, and, one of THOSE was rip-roaring in a single little 'scene' of commenting) they did, but only the 'scenes' they were commenting upon...which made the scenes, for-the-moment...knee-slapping falling-off-the-chair ones. I could list them out, but, they had to be seen (AND heard-the-comments/sound-effects!) to really appreciate.

~ Crow, Tom, et al could've made SPARTACUS and ARMAGEDDON seem like Woody Allen's WHAT'S UP, TIGER LILLY? Ishtar knows what they could've done with 300 or the original FRANKENSTEIN! None would be seen the same again.

~ I've enjoyed HOME IMPROVEMENT; I thought Tim Allen was really good there. His movies, well, GQ was the best, no argument, but not from him; his other movies were just lousy regardless who did them. And Rick Wakeman? Yes, he was a compilation; glad to see him getting out of being typecast from DIE HARD. He's too good to be stuck in that prob.

LLAP

J:D

Hmm. Maybe that's why I didn't think Tim allen was funny: I've never seen "Home Improvement," just the bad movies you mentioned.

"Rick Wakeman"? Ha ha! I can guess your age. Another Freudian slip -- you meant Alan Rickman; Rick Wakeman was from the progressive rock group Yes.

[John Dailey]

JR:

~ Uh-h-h, hmmm...as Tommy Smothers would say: "Heh, Ke-heh, uh, humm (grin)... ya caught me there, ke-heh!" (Hey, I've been checking out 'old-TV' DVD's, ok? I'm barely almost Jack Benny's age-limit.)

~ Yes, Alan Rickman is who I meant (I don't think that 'slip' was Freudian, though.)

LLAP

J:D

Edited April 8, 2007 by John Dailey

[Robert Jones]

JR:

~ Uh-h-h, hmmm...as Tommy Smothers would say: "Heh, Ke-heh, uh, humm (grin)... ya caught me there, ke-heh!" (Hey, I've been checking out 'old-TV' DVD's, ok? I'm barely almost Jack Benny's age-limit.)

~ Yes, Alan Rickman is who I meant (I don't think that 'slip' was Freudian, though.)

LLAP

J:D

Yeah, it was probably the alliterative similarity of the two names.

[Chris Grieb]

We are coming on two movie anniversaries this month. The 25th anniversary of Porky's and the 30th anniversary of Saturday Night Fever. Saturday Night Fever is going to be on ACM next Saturday. The less said about Porky's the better but Fever has its moments. Travolta's opening walk, the music and the dancing. On Porky's there's a good article in the current EW which reminds us all how hard it was to see female breasts in the 1980ths before internet porn.

[Brant Gaede]

We are coming on two movie anniversaries this month. The 25th anniversary of Porky's and the 30th anniversary of Saturday Night Fever. Saturday Night Fever is going to be on ACM next Saturday. The less said about Porky's the better but Fever has its moments. Travolta's opening walk, the music and the dancing. On Porky's there's a good article in the current EW which reminds us all how hard it was to see female breasts in the 1980ths before internet porn.

The director of Porky's was just killed in a head on collision with a wrong way drunken driver on the Pacific Pallisades Parkway in California. His son also died.

--Brant

[Robert Jones]

We are coming on two movie anniversaries this month. The 25th anniversary of Porky's and the 30th anniversary of Saturday Night Fever. Saturday Night Fever is going to be on ACM next Saturday. The less said about Porky's the better but Fever has its moments. Travolta's opening walk, the music and the dancing. On Porky's there's a good article in the current EW which reminds us all how hard it was to see female breasts in the 1980ths before internet porn.

The director of Porky's was just killed in a head on collision with a wrong way drunken driver on the Pacific Pallisades Parkway in California. His son also died.

--Brant

But, that director -- Bob Clark -- will always be remembered most for his greatest flick, "A Christmas Story." "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!"

[Chris Grieb]

Robert; Thanks for the sad news. A Christmas Story is great. I can remember being told I would shoot my eye out.