Insights on Parenting

[Kat]

I was posting over in the Nathaniel Branden corner and ran across this wonderful quote:

Parents cannot give a child self-esteem,. No one can. But they can make the road to self-esteem immeasurably easier—by treating a child not only with love, but also with respect and acceptance, by communicating confidence in the child's competence and moral and intellectual capabilities, by providing appropriate guidance, by upholding reasonable expectations that inspire rather than oppress, and by giving a child the experience of living in a rational universe.

This quote is so spot on I just had to point it out to the parents around here. For the last week or so, the theme on the every day thread has been children/parents, so go take a look at February 4–10 for some good insights from Nathaniel Branden's Self-Esteem Every Day. The above quote is from February 6.

Kat

[Charles R. Anderson]

Having been the oldest of 6 children and the parent of three daughters, this makes nothing but great sense to me. It is an excellent statement.

[Kat]

Today's quote also has good parenting advice. It is about teaching the kid self-acceptance, not repression.

April 19 – Self-Esteem Every Day

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Wow, right now you are really feeling mad at Grandma! Want to tell me about it?" The parent is teaching self-acceptance. In a moment or two, the child's anger will most likely be gone.

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "What a terrible thing to say! You don't mean it! What's the matter with you?" The parent is teaching repression, self-rejection and self-alienation. The anger is driven underground to fester.

[Robert Jones]

Today's quote also has good parenting advice. It is about teaching the kid self-acceptance, not repression.

April 19 – Self-Esteem Every Day

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Wow, right now you are really feeling mad at Grandma! Want to tell me about it?" The parent is teaching self-acceptance. In a moment or two, the child's anger will most likely be gone.

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "What a terrible thing to say! You don't mean it! What's the matter with you?" The parent is teaching repression, self-rejection and self-alienation. The anger is driven underground to fester.

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Okay, fine: I'll tell Grandma not to cook Thanksgiving dinner, bring presents for Christmas and bake your birthday cake. After all, you wouldn't want to have someone you hate around on those days that are so important to you." The parent is teaching the brat that he is not the center of the universe and that his feelings don't have veto power over the adults in the family. ;)

Edited April 21, 2007 by Robert Jones

[Robert Jones]

I was posting over in the Nathaniel Branden corner and ran across this wonderful quote:

Parents cannot give a child self-esteem,. No one can. But they can make the road to self-esteem immeasurably easier—by treating a child not only with love, but also with respect and acceptance, by communicating confidence in the child's competence and moral and intellectual capabilities, by providing appropriate guidance, by upholding reasonable expectations that inspire rather than oppress, and by giving a child the experience of living in a rational universe.

This quote is so spot on I just had to point it out to the parents around here. For the last week or so, the theme on the every day thread has been children/parents, so go take a look at February 4–10 for some good insights from Nathaniel Branden's Self-Esteem Every Day. The above quote is from February 6.

Kat

That is so important. I make every day an adventure for my 19 month year old boy, Evan. My biggest success is that I've taught him to be cautious, but not fearful, of heights and of falling down. The first time he fell down when he was learning to walk, and he cried, my instinct was to run to him, hold him and tell him it would be all right. But it was just a fall, he can recover. So, I looked at him and firmly said "get up," making an upward motion with my hand. He got up, stopped crying and then I went to him and dried his tears.

Because of this, when he falls now, he doesn't cry or even pout; he gets right back up again, sometimes smiling all the while. When he climbs stairs on his own, he never runs up them, but goes up slowly using the bannister. He is a very confident child, yet has a good, kind, heart, and shares everything since the age of six months -- very mature -- not because I even taught him, but because there is something benevolent in his nature that gives him joy to give something to others. He understands he is a capable child with something to offer others.

[RTB]

I was posting over in the Nathaniel Branden corner and ran across this wonderful quote:

Parents cannot give a child self-esteem,. No one can. But they can make the road to self-esteem immeasurably easier—by treating a child not only with love, but also with respect and acceptance, by communicating confidence in the child's competence and moral and intellectual capabilities, by providing appropriate guidance, by upholding reasonable expectations that inspire rather than oppress, and by giving a child the experience of living in a rational universe.

This quote is so spot on I just had to point it out to the parents around here. For the last week or so, the theme on the every day thread has been children/parents, so go take a look at February 4–10 for some good insights from Nathaniel Branden's Self-Esteem Every Day. The above quote is from February 6.

Kat

That is so important. I make every day an adventure for my 19 month year old boy, Evan. My biggest success is that I've taught him to be cautious, but not fearful, of heights and of falling down. The first time he fell down when he was learning to walk, and he cried, my instinct was to run to him, hold him and tell him it would be all right. But it was just a fall, he can recover. So, I looked at him and firmly said "get up," making an upward motion with my hand. He got up, stopped crying and then I went to him and dried his tears.

Because of this, when he falls now, he doesn't cry or even pout; he gets right back up again, sometimes smiling all the while. When he climbs stairs on his own, he never runs up them, but goes up slowly using the bannister. He is a very confident child, yet has a good, kind, heart, and shares everything since the age of six months -- very mature -- not because I even taught him, but because there is something benevolent in his nature that gives him joy to give something to others. He understands he is a capable child with something to offer others.

To expand on this. Meh!....something to 'offer others' ? Is that the role you'd give him? You're the one giving him his character. But I'd remind you on this new years day that that it is your choice to raise him with the attitude that duty is his to give his life to others (Spinoza style).

There are many forms of benevolence. Rational benevolence is one thing....service to others is another. Careful what you raise.

[BaalChatzaf]

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Okay, fine: I'll tell Grandma not to cook Thanksgiving dinner, bring presents for Christmas and bake your birthday cake. After all, you wouldn't want to have someone you hate around on those days that are so important to you." The parent is teaching the brat that he is not the center of the universe and that his feelings don't have veto power over the adults in the family. ;)

It might be more useful to ask the kid why he/she said it. Constructively revealing the error to the child (if he/she is in error) not only gets rid of the hostility, but it teaches the kid to evaluate his judgments.

A well placed question gets more mileage than a sharp rebuke, very often.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Four children, five grandchildren. My parents were neurotic and I vowed a vow I would never lay that trip on my children (and grand children). So far, so good.

Ba'al Chatzaf

[Alfonso Jones]

A child says, "I hate Grandma!" A parent answers, "Okay, fine: I'll tell Grandma not to cook Thanksgiving dinner, bring presents for Christmas and bake your birthday cake. After all, you wouldn't want to have someone you hate around on those days that are so important to you." The parent is teaching the brat that he is not the center of the universe and that his feelings don't have veto power over the adults in the family. ;)

It might be more useful to ask the kid why he/she said it. Constructively revealing the error to the child (if he/she is in error) not only gets rid of the hostility, but it teaches the kid to evaluate his judgments.

A well placed question gets more mileage than a sharp rebuke, very often.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Four children, five grandchildren. My parents were neurotic and I vowed a vow I would never lay that trip on my children (and grand children). So far, so good.

Ba'al Chatzaf

It would be interesting to do a comparison of parenting advice given by those who have raised children with parenting advice doen by those who havenever raised children. I know that my ideas before the first child enjoyed substantial revision before the second child arrived.

Alfonso