Mad as Hell in Hell

[caroljane]

And we're not going to take it any more!

After three centuries plus of being broiled under genuinely false pretences, we finally earn TV privileges and what do we see? The Governor of our colony, whatever they call themselves now, now, whining like a baby that he is being hunted as a witch.

Why then isn't he being pressed under heavy weights, or at least locked up all year in a freezing outhouse like Vanessa Redgrave in that movie about us? She was really too tall for the role but did a good job acting. 

This Esquire Trump is so clueless even the real witches here  are having their best laugh in decades. He is an affront to hunted witches everywhere, guilty or not of witchcraft, and we demand that he cease immediately smearing our name by identifying as one of us. It is cultural appropriation at the criminal level.

If he does not comply immediately there will be no negotiation, and he will next hear from our attorney, our brilliant and accomplished new neighbour, Advocate Cohn.

Wrathfully,

The Salem 13

[Peter]

Did I already quote this one? Peter

From: "Monart Pon" Reply-To: Starship_Forum HUMOR: Chicken Philosophy Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 05:47:05 -0000. Just in case you haven't heard these poultry profundities below, have a few clucks. But if you did, well, cluck again anyway. (Appreciation of each depends on one's familiarity with the individual's names.) Since Ayn Rand was missing from the list, I added her answer at the end. Monart

http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick2.htm

Chicken Philosophy/ WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???

Plato:  For the greater good. Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side. Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams:  Forty-two. Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North:  National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential. Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Salvador Dali:  The Fish. Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus:  For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume:  Out of custom and habit. Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Jack Nicholson:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan:  Well,................... John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The Sphinx:  You tell me. Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died. Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family. Camus:  The chicken's mother had just died.  But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes. John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael? Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It's obvious that the chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.

Siskel:  I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs up! Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well.  It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down.

Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John.  I'm right as usual.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AYN RAND: TO CHECK ITS PREMISES!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Peter]

From: RogerEBissell To: atlantis Subject: ATL: Don't say this! Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 03:44:56 EDT

All right, you knee-jerk, anti-statist scofflaws, here are 12 things you shouldn't say to a traffic cop. :-) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

From: RogerEBissell To: atlantis Subject: ATL: [humor] irrelevant information for Objectivist women Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 00:18:53 EDT

Subject: having three children. Your Clothes. 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth. 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 7th month.

The Layette. 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries. 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier. 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering. 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

A

ctivities. 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out. 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home. 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Affectionately submitted by Roger Bissell, proud father of 5 (which is, incidentally, the ~real~ reason why I don't qualify as an Objectivist :-)

[caroljane]

On 7/18/2018 at 7:07 PM, caroljane said:

And we're not going to take it any more!

After three centuries plus of being broiled under genuinely false pretences, we finally earn TV privileges and what do we see? The Governor of our colony, whatever they call themselves now, now, whining like a baby that he is being hunted as a witch.

Why then isn't he being pressed under heavy weights, or at least locked up all year in a freezing outhouse like Vanessa Redgrave in that movie about us? She was really too tall for the role but did a good job acting. 

This Esquire Trump is so clueless even the real witches here  are having their best laugh in decades. He is an affront to hunted witches everywhere, guilty or not of witchcraft, and we demand that he cease immediately smearing our name by identifying as one of us. It is cultural appropriation at the criminal level.

If he does not comply immediately there will be no negotiation, and he will next hear from our attorney, our brilliant and accomplished new neighbour, Advocate Cohn.

Wrathfully,

The Salem 13

Notice to all our co-ligators:

our counsel is taking a needed break after the McCain verdict, which case Advocate Cohn assured us was a "shoo-in" whatever that may be, but which he now assures us is a , temporary set-back.  He says many knowledgeable souls consultants will be here soon to overturn St Peter and discredit Captured John, who will not enjoy the many mansions or the fields of the Lord much longer.

[Jules Troy]

When are they going to fix the damn air conditioner down here?

[caroljane]

On 8/29/2018 at 1:44 AM, Jules Troy said:

When are they going to fix the damn air conditioner down here?

When it starts to freeze over, wise guy.

 

R. Cohn, DD

for Breitbart Helliport Properties Inc.

 

 

 

 

[caroljane]

TO: M. Murmur, Manager, Section Earth 666-SE/

FROM:  Z'Bub 9043, Marketing Coordinator Demon

Dear Murry,

The drop in admissions to the Opposition's boring eternal retirement home has not, in fact,  resulted in a concomitant rise in our numbers. I hate to admit it but I think doddering old Luke got it right for once. Those people are just not dying like they used to in that sector.  And a lot of them are Hindus who just get recycled, I know we already  allow for that but maybe we should recalibrate,  A lot of those souls expect to wake up somewhere they aren't all the time and when they die it is no different, even if they aren't Hindus or anything.We don't get them, Peter's gangel  doesn't get them, who knows who they go into?

Also, the recruitment drive has yielded big numbers!  But... the quality control people are muttering that they can't find enough to meet minimum standard  to establish decent bargaining conditions.To be blunt, a lot of the souls we are being offered are just not worth a damn.

I wish those clueless wonders  in that sector who claim that their fellow citizens are headed for hell could try to do my job for one day!

In haste,

Bubba

 

ps, Is our area really frozen over up in Canada? I thought it was somewhere more southerly - our Kitchen.