Trump humor

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Totally tasteless. But funny.

So, I was walking through the mall in Portland and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me?

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “F— off, get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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Here's another Trump humor thing.

I'm going to push fair use because it's so short.

Some things are just too good to resist...

It's pretty anti-Trump, but even so, you have to guffaw. :smile:

Abraham Trump's Gettysburg Address
By longbrothers
Funny or Die
August 12, 2015

Thanks. What an incredible crowd. They tell me this is the biggest crowd in the history of the North.

A while back some founders got together. And I mean they were good people but they really didn’t know anything about building a country. C’mon, you know, let’s face facts. Franklin with his little glasses and Washington with those horrible dentures — it was a nightmare. They didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

So then everyone comes to me and they say, “Please help us we’re in this terrible mess.” And believe me I knew this was gonna happen because our leaders were a total disaster who didn’t have a clue how to negotiate. Not the first clue, OK. It’s crazy. And I knew em all. Millard Filmore? The guy was a trainwreck. Franklin Pierce? A complete moron. Moron. And then James Buchanan they say dressed up like a woman if you can even believe it. I could tell you stories.

I mean they’re useless but I did business with ’em because I’m a businessman. It’s what I do. I traded cotton. I traded tobacco. I built the biggest plantations in the world. In fact I’ll tell you a story. Jefferson Davis came to me and begged me — begged me to live on a beautiful plantation that I had built in Mississippi. And it was beautiful, everything top notch and luxurious. I mean not the slave cabins ’cause they’re built for slaves. But everything was great and he’s pleading with me and what am I gonna say, “No”? So I sold it to him for an unbelievable profit. Largest profit ever made on a plantation sale. Hundreds of dollars in profit all pre-Confederate, which two centuries from now will be worth around $10 billion if maybe I decide to leave any to my kids. Who knows. We’ll see. And I say that not to brag just to give you an idea what’s what.

And by the way the slaves love me. Love me. The food portions. The amount of sleep. They’re nuts about me. If they end up freed when this is all over I will win the slave vote.

Anyway our politicians are the worst, they’re total failures and they didn’t let the South go bye bye and so I pick up the paper today and I read Salmon Chase may run against me in ’64! This idiot is in my own cabinet. And I like my cabinet, most of them have terrible beards but they’re OK. They follow orders. First of all what kind of name is Salmon? Should be a harpooneer on a whaling ship with a name like that. So I thought to myself, Salmon Chase, isn’t he the guy who night and day pleaded for a job with me after I kicked his ass at the convention in 1860? It was. I even found his telegraph number, give it a try see if it works. Dot dot dash dash dash dot dash dot dot dot dash.

And I can just hear the papers: “Abraham’s attacking again. He’s saying terrible things.” No. I say what I say because I’m honest. And I’m actually doing my job. Not like those nitwits in Washington. I mean I’m out here opening a cemetery for Christ sake! And as I look at this place I’m thinking, “How could there have been so many casualties?” There’s rocks and orchards all around, if I had the time I’d develop the property, but you can’t tell me that if you call yourself a soldier and you hear a shell or something coming you couldn’t have found a place to hide. And incidentally, so what, now Meade is some kind of a great general because he defeated Pickett’s charge? You’re up on a ridge with all your cannons and everything and the other army is walking right toward you. I mean they’re literally walking. Who couldn’t win that!

The point is I’m up all hours saving the Union and then here we are in this cemetery and I’m supposed to do what? Honor the dead? They’re dead. They’re losers. How are we in debt to them? I hate to tell you, but I like the guys who didn’t die. I’ll honor some of them.

And speaking of honoring, they want me to wrap up so they can honor me at a dinner. I’m so in demand it’s insanity half the time. All I’m telling you is if you’re living everything is for you.

And the photo:




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That Gettysburg speech is brilliant satire, on point all the way.

Trump also has the Jewish Yenta mensch cadence in his speech.

As a rhetoric teacher, he is a treasure.


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This one is about Trump and the Bible.

In a recent interview, a Bloomberg interviewer tried to corner Trump about his favorite Bible passage. Trump, recognizing the media trap for mockery, said it was a private affair and he preferred not to comment. But that the Bible was a special book, his favorite. Asked whether he was Old Testament guy or a New Testament guy, he said, "About equal." (See here for one story among many.)

This was probably the best answer possible to keep controversy going in the press, thus his name in the news. His critics say he can't cite a verse (insinuating he is lying) and his supporters say he refused to walk into a typical trap the media sets for religious people.

(Guess which one I believe? :smile: After all, Trump's preacher of choice for years was Norman Vincent Peale, the positive thinking dude.)

Now for the humor. People started a hashtag to post made-up Biblical history from a Trumpian perspective and it is hilarious:

HashTag TrumpBible

A few just for a sample:

Noah was a very smart business man. He cornered the market and really cleaned up after the flood. Great golfer.

The 3 wise men brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh, which sounds like 2 of them didn't read The Art of the Deal. What dopes.

Jesus, what a highly overrated loser. There was blood coming out of his hands, his feet, his side. His wherever.

Trust me. I will be the best Bible president we ever had. Have you seen the polls? I am killing it in the Bible belt.

I lost a lot of respect for the Pharaoh. Never should have let the Hebrews go because of, what, hail? The Hebrews love me.

Don't get me wrong: Jesus? Great guy, classy. But a terrible executive. I would never tolerate a traitor within my organization.

I like Jesus. Anyone that can feed 5000 people with 2 fish is sharp. Big mistake not charging per plate. But I still like him.



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And there's this.


Think he's making a point about Japan?


" data-width="350">
/">Trump's China Policy


Posted by The Huffington Post on Friday, August 28, 2015





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Even UFOs Are Following Trump (Despite Being Undocumented Aliens)
Can the Donald build a wall high enough to keep these aliens out?
by Lee Speigel
Huffington Post

Take me to your leader.

That's what you hear in classic sci-fi movies when the little green men land. But those words are also apropos in this election season. When the 2016 presidential race ends, what leader will those ETs be taken to?

We're not saying that otherworldly beings are getting behind a candidate just yet, but a UFO was reported following Donald Trump's helicopter earlier this month at the Iowa State Fair.

And on it goes.

The funny part about this article is that, in contrast to the tongue-in-cheek style about Trump and UFOs, it ends by discussing Podesta's real-life concern with UFOs. (It's true. He's loopy that way.)

Podesta is Hillary's campaign manager.

It's all cute, though.

This article gives the term, illegal aliens, a depth of meaning it didn't have before.



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If anyone wants to try this, go for it:

Attention procrastinators: You can now paint with Donald Trump's face


Link to the app site:

Paint With Donald Trump

Later I might make a few and post them here. It's drop dead easy. The hard part is to come up with something legitimately funny.


I am sure Peter will rise to the occasion


Ok Ok it is a hot air balloon however this is what his cat picked....


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Here's a "Trump" interview with Hillary right before the Sept. 16 GOP debate.



By Hillary doing this on a show like Fallon's, that is a form of power-player acknowledgment.


Surprisingly, in light of Hillary's recent media appearances, it was good fun.


Oh... Hillary did her talking points, but didn't do so many they spoiled the funny stuff.


The Donald (even a fake one) seems to bring out the humorous side in her. She seemed at ease in the skit, not so tense and scripted.


That could be a good thing or that could be a bad thing. I think it's a good thing.



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Evita did very well...even interjected the fact that she has a severe drinking problem...

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