warriorprincess

Firstly

Let me say this...to all who replied, including the man who said I should practice chopping wood because Mr UK rejected the advances of a mad Aussie woman - thank you!

I am sorry, I am bipolar and sometimes I see things more rationally and other times I feel sorry for myself, and get quite angry....O.K., am I allowed to be human or what? Of course I realise what I did, of course I made a mistake, but if you gave someone friggin' calculus to do and they had never done algebra, how the bloody hell are they supposed to know what to do? How was I supposed to know that you can scare a guy off by getting intense emails from a stranger if you were at the level of emotional development that I was at? Mmmm?

Let me say this, I am NO LONGER A promiscuous hypomaniac whore and I am doing my best to keep my panties on and if you think I am humourless, I was thinking of packing away all my slutty lingerie and putting it in storage together with all the other shit I have accumulated in my life, as I have been unable to be cured of my OCD- "hoarding" subtype. Of course, I can hardly donate the lingerie stuff to charity, can I?

Yes, Mr UK couldn't give a rat's arse and why should he? Why should he care that I was a naive, worried and fretting that I could not be happy with my husband, married woman who was so confused about herself sexually and who met a man who was more experienced and who initially cared but who then just abandoned me because I scared him with an 'agressive and obsessive' email! I mean I joined the site because I wondered why my niece (who I love and I am not jealous of, btw) had a big nice new house and a baby on the way, yet that night, when I was over there at her house, in my husband's absence, my relatives were quipping that there must be something wrong with me sexually and why no baby after all this time? (the insinuation being that there must be something wrong with me sexually)... and later discusssions that evening prompted me to find that site, I typed in "friend" or "passion", found it was an adult site and was eventually led to Mr UK, aka "Mr McDarcy".

But sadly, I had to get manic, go promiscuous and put myself in the gutter to work out that sexually I was normal, that there were reasons why sex was painful and why I didn't look forward to it, that there was nothing wrong with my sexual responsiveness, that I could be turned on by a man...it would have been nice if I hadn't had to do that, it would have been nice if I still had Mr McDarcy as a friend, but I screwed up and I don't have that now, O.K.?

Anyway, I had an injection of Depo Provera a few weeks back in case I decided to start cheating again...best thing I did, the mega dose of progesterone lowers the libido real good and I am back to just having Romantic Fantasises again - of course this time they will only stay in my head, No more cheap sexual substitutes for "Mr McDarcy" for me!

So Mr "UK/Mr McDarcy", can stick it into into his alleged "wife" and if that aint enough, all of East England and half of his native Scotland if he wishes, because never again am I going to lower myself to a man who doesn't worship me or at least care or love me enough to try to understand me, like my husband did and does.

FYI, my marriage is not destroyed, my husband forgave my sluttishness, because he knew I was ill and it was all started because I could not cope with finding what lust is about at nearly 39 years of age....so we don't have sex, so bloody what, it is just joining genitals in the long run - who needs that when I have the love of the only man in my life who will love me and the only man who I can genuinely say I cam feel mature love for? If he was paralysed or couldn't get it up, then should I leave him as well? No, if it is a true marriage?

Who says that true love has to be sexual? Who friggin' really needs that when you can masturbate and you are too f***ed in the head to ever bring children into this world? People who focus on sex like they can do on that site have nothing else going on between the ears, I'm afraid...even sex as an adult is just a regression back to being a child in an oral/genital/anal fixation...so give me a bloody honorary PhD for working that out!

Seriously, I don't want pity, I sometimes I just want some understanding and I cannot expect you all to understand, given what limited information I you have about me and my situation and I say that will all due to respect to you all...

Barbara, I am sorry if I offended you, but I don't think you should walk out of a marriage just because your wife ain't getting her husband's willy up anymore, anymore than I should because I am not getting my panties off for my husband, ya know?

While I think I am probably wrong as regards Nathaniel Branden, that seems to be the crux of it for men, so to speak, in fact, before joining the site, I never knew what brutal, carnal most men are, they will say anything to get p**sy, at least my husband is gentle in that way and never pestered me or manipulated me for sex, ever....

As for me being bored? I dunno about that...why don't you try being a bit more gentle and think...this shiela is grieving the loss of sex, the loss of children and the realisation that while I can' t have it all, I have enough, I have love and most people don't have that, so O.K., I was wrong and naive to indulge my fantasies with "Mr McDarcy"and I scared him off, so why bloody well crucify me? He told me he would alert the police in Australia and the U.K. if I ever contacted him again, after my girlfriend in N.Z. tried desperately to find out why he wasn't replying to my emails and called him at his work in the U.K. on my behalf...I have to live now with that fact that he saw me as a cyberstalker. Now, how would that make you feel?

You see, this is what happens, someone says something that shows they don't understand me and I go off on the deep end and am reminded of the pain....while he did not deserve being "projected to" and scared, I think I ended up suffering the most, after nearly being admitted to hospital with severe depression afterwards, don't you?

I am very sorry, as I said, at times I am quite rational and I understand this is not the way to attract a man, either in real life or long distance....I realise I should have just kept it on a friendly level and not think with my p***y or let my hormones go crazy and not said anything, not get all obsessive and clingy as if we were some cyber-lovers already and tell him about fantasies of marriage and babies....after all, he would have been screwing women locally and have no need for me for sexual release, anyway and I might have a friend who would be great because I could have had my marriage and have my fantasy/sexual needs met just by knowing he was there, perhaps that would have been enough for me, I don't know and I will never know, because he has been blessed in a way and that is what I mean by life being unfair, O.K.?

At times I am even a decent enough person to worry that he may still be afraid of me going over there as he warned me not to waste my time, money, etc last year when my girlfriend intimated to him that I might, given that she told him I was obsessed with him, which she said in order to understand his side of things and to truly portray how I was feeling, during their brief conversation...at times I wonder whether he is happy, whether he is sad, whether he truly is in love, whether he is in any kind of pain? At times, I feel really sorry that he had to be on the other end of me, that of all people, I had to pick this poor bloke to vent my frustrations, or project, or obsess over, as he didn't deserve it. At times I think perhaps he a a flawed, but very nice person and I will never have the chance to know that and that hurts, O.K.?

So what type of person do you think that makes me knowing what you know, now?

(You know, I didn't even used to type with ..... before I met him, he taught me that!)

Regards,

G. (warriorprincess)

First of all, my cat is named Xena. And therefore I am fond of Warrior Princessessesssessesssessessess!

Now. Who gives a shit what Nathanial Branden thinks?

Who gives a shit what Albert Ellis thinks?

Who gives a shit what M. Scott Peck thinks?

Who gives a shit about what is fair?

What the Bloody Hell do you think?

gw

Anyone who tries to be scientific about human behaviour is deluded....there are hidden agendas in all that we do and pay-offs, none of it can be found to be logic proof and the proof is that these people had deep flaws in their writings and personal life....but I dunno, people hold them up as paragons of thought

Now I discover Barbara Rose who I trusted has her site linked to a bloody psychic.....I mean you can't trust anyone to give you the truth, which I suppose why people flit from one though to another, but you are not here to discuss this, you are all here to squabble about objectivist politics, so I'll turn the light off on this one.

Yes, thanks for the Xena mention, although that isn't quite the reason I pick that name...and cats have grown on me over the years, but that is another story all connected with Mr UK of course!

I am amazed by all this. Last night, procrastinating, I pick up what must be my 20 year-old copy of "The Psychology of Self Love", because instead of studying I am plagued with trying to determine whether I have an incurable mental illness...the illness of loving my husband of nearly 16 years, who I love maturely, who loves me maturely and being stuck on a fantasy of a man I met on an adult dating site who lives in the U.K. (I live in Australia). I know that it is natural in life to suffer, yet I see so many people that don't suffer in this way, and lately I have turned to Barbara Rose, Ph.D., a spiritual author who has seen pain in her life, to make sense of my suffering. The rejection of me by the man who I obsessed about, sooned turned me into a promiscuous hypomaniac whore, in front of my husband and badly damaged my self-esteem. Finally I got an email out of him (through a friend contacting him on my behalf) and then went into severe depression, yet I never even, met, telephone chatted or cammed with this guy, so if anyone can attest to the power of online communications and relationships I can. Yet, despite all this, I fantasise about him and think about him all the time, to the detriment of the rest of my life.

I can see another objectivist saying to me, well too bad, you have the mature love, yet it is no longer consummated or can no longer be realised physically - tough titties, just go on with it or leave him and find the love I deserve. Yeah right, as if love was just a matter of turning off the power cord on my marriage and then going down to the hardware store and finding a better machine, what utter rubbish and nonsense - as Albert Ellis would say, "The Martians would die laughing!" Then I read about Nathaniel Branden having an affair with Ayn Rand, then having other wives and now leaving his latest wife for a younger woman. I think OMG and I think I have problems!!! Perhaps I should just have the ECT that was recommended to me last year by my shrink and have my head zapped good and be done with it, though I have just read in Scientific American "Mind" (and I am supposed to be studying Neuroanatomy, among other things) that depression now appears to emanate from activity in area 25 of the cortex, so if I could wait until they realise they should only be able to have area 25 jolted, that would be heaps better.

But, why is is that all these lauded people do weird things, even weirder than I have done?

Albert Ellis - seemed to be a bit of a sex maniac in spite of telling everyone that they shouldn't be miserable about anything

M. Scott Peck - now this really takes the cake and if he sues me for defamation, I will get the American Psychiatric Society to declare him unfit if someone hasn't already - stated in "The Road Less Travelled" that if he saw a need for him to have sex with a patient then he would - Sweet Lord to the men in white coats for that one!

and Now Mr Branden - having an extra-marital with Ayn Rand and then a string of other marriages, hardly healthy stuff, is it?

But I can find no solace anywhere, it is if my dilemma is existential as it is irrational and neurotic. I cannot help how attracted I am to this man, how thwarted I felt that I scared him off and he never wished to have anything more to do with me and thus I cannot get to know him better and posssibly have developed a more rational view of him. Yet it had to happen to me, little old "G", who had resigned herself to the reality of her marriage (sexually nothing and hubby only being interested in work and his hobby, not home improvement, kids, etc) and the fact that I had landed a wonderful man quite nicely before she overheard a dinner-party conversation about finding new love online and and then found this gorgeous man on an international adult site (yes I am not stupid, I found where he worked and did a bit of a background check on him out even though that can be considered stalking as he expressed no affection for me)...it is something about capturing what we can't have that is the core of human suffering....if we can't capture one thing (material success, whatever) then I guess we look for a substitute and yes none of us is altruistic....if we can't have one type of success we try to get it or sublimate it another way.

But I wonder why I had to suffer the humiliation and indignity of a man who didn't even want to understand what motivated me to feel such intensity for him, when I tried to deal with it all myself and even sought forgiveness and understanding.. why the painful reality of being told by email among other things that "he had no feelings for me, never have and never will....... and to forget any notion of having anything to to do with him because he was never interested and never will be....) Yet he can merrily go-on and I guess if he is a decent guy he has either truthfully remarried (as he also told me in this painful email last year and the UK website I found him on is just a coincidence as his entry while showing his correct age is out of date) or he is happily having sex with any woman he can find, will stumble on a woman with a bit more substance and integrity sooner or later and eventually remarry!

So I am stuffed but I decided to join this site as nobody is perfect, not me, not hubby, not Mr Branden, Not Miss Rand and no-one else....we just do the best we can with what is on our plate?

BUT LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!! YET NOT ONCE HAVE I HEARD THIS MENTIONED IN ANY OF DR BRANDEN'S BOOKS. THE ONLY PSYCHIATRIST WHO ADMITS LIFE IS NOT FAIR IS DR ANDREW STANWAY OF THE U.K., IN HIS BOOK ABOUT FINDING REALISTIC SOLUTIONS TO LIVE, CALLED "INTIMATE SOLUTIONS" where he states that even if you are not having intercourse, but are exchaning other intimacies like kissing and cuddling (which we do) it is still having "sex", which my husband is quite happy with?

Otherwise, if we seek perfection in relationships, we will ALWAYS be disappointed and look to get a new model, just as Dr Branden seems to do from time-to-time. Yet there are men on here who have been married to only one partner and profess to be a disciple of his (objectivist) thinking and that of his associates?

I just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!