xaithra Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 It sounds like unconventional medicine is not producing the kind of results you want. Are you open to trying something "unconventional"? Please let us know where you are? One of my big heroes is in Northern California right now. She'll try to heal anybody. If anybody can get your man back, she can.Gosh!!How??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darrell Hougen Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 (edited) 8 day in the coma with no progress in responses - is a bad news.Doctor said he will be most likely damaged for life... May be even unable to move at all.The chance for him to have any reasonable life is close to nothing.I am making myself angry with him to stay calm and focused... but afraid to break any minute. I need to believe that there are other people like him... like myself... That I am not alone.I need a friend who lives the true life of the objectivist. 100 percent like we have...You are not alone. There are those of us that strive to be rational and objective, though we may not always succeed. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Rationally, he should not have done what he did. But, sometimes emotion overwhelms reason. Reason is a slow process that requires calm and time for peaceful deliberation. It is a halting process that sometimes reaches incorrect conclusions that must be reexamined and discarded later.Emotion is a fast process that takes one's accumulated knowledge and applies it to the current situation, pumping hormones into the body for a quick response to danger. Sometimes emotion can overwhelm reason, making calm deliberation impossible; leaving no time to go back and rethink conclusions, to understand where one went wrong, which piece of knowledge or information was neglected or ignored, what angle on a problem was not explored.Your husband was a victim of the human condition. He strove to achieve rationality but couldn't reach the right conclusion in time to save himself from the despair that was sucking him down.No one is suggesting that what he did was rational or right, but it would also be hasty to blame him. Have sympathy for him and don't despair. Your life will improve even if his does not.Darrell Edited October 16, 2008 by Darrell Hougen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xaithra Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Guys!!!The doctor told me that they are not doing anybody any favour by keeping him on support.They want me to pull a plug. His relatives-mystics resent the idea saying that we have to pray and wait longer.He is not responding at all any more. His temperature is 39.5. His brain is baking...I am slowly falling apart... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Guys!!!The doctor told me that they are not doing anybody any favour by keeping him on support.They want me to pull a plug. His relatives-mystics resent the idea saying that we have to pray and wait longer.He is not responding at all any more. His temperature is 39.5. His brain is baking...I am slowly falling apart...After my Father died 15 years ago I realized that in the days up to his death I had become completely unbalanced. I kept imagining things I could do to prevent the inevitable. Some of those things were insane. I was rational enough not to act on such stuff. If he is not suffering nobody has to "pull a plug." You are suffering for him. You have a choice with no wrong answer, but it is your choice alone. Just remember if nature had it's way he'd be gone by now. He is in an artificial situation. My Father was not until he wanted to go to sleep in his discomfort. I asked him if he wanted some Valium and he nodded yes. The nurse gave him 10mg and he lost consciousness for the last time and died 24 hours later. He would have slipped into a coma fairly soon anyway. When he died the Valium had completely worn off.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara Branden Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 tnelavoc, may I suggest that you not make any decision about keeping your husband on life support or removing it on the advice of only one doctor. Tell the doctor that you need other opinions from experts in the relevant field -- I recommend at least two. That way, whatever you decide you will not later have reason to doubt your decision. And never mind his relatives; the responsibility is yours, not theirs, and the decision is yours alone to make. It is you who must live with it, not they. I know how terrible it is to face the choice you now face; I once faced it, too, with my beloved mother. I hear your scream; it once was mine. But I believe, reading your posts, that you are strong enough not to fall apart until you have made this last decision for your loved one. Think about what the doctors tell you, and think about what he would want. I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you peace in the knowledge that you will act on the very best of your judgment. No one can do more. Barbara Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
algernonsidney Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Barbara is correct. Get a second opinion. Maybe get a third. This is probably the biggest decision you will ever make in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xaithra Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 (edited) He is goneThey did it last night at 8pm. He lived for ten hours. This was the worst time of my life Edited October 18, 2008 by tnelavoc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Stuart Kelly Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 tnelavoc,Kat and I offer our deepest condolences.We wish it were otherwise.Michael & Kat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaalChatzaf Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 He is goneThey did it last night at 8pm. He lived for ten hours. This was the worst time of my lifeYi, yi, yi. Every spouse's most awful nightmare! Next to loosing a child this has got to be the worst. My deepest condolences to you.Ba'al Chatzaf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I am very sorry. My condolences. Nothing is going to be easy for you, now. It's going to take a long time to sort everything out.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xaithra Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 He is goneThey did it last night at 8pm. He lived for ten hours. This was the worst time of my lifeYi, yi, yi. Every spouse's most awful nightmare! Next to loosing a child this has got to be the worst. My deepest condolences to you.Ba'al ChatzafThank you all I am blocking my emotions and try not to think about him. A smallest memory of hour happiness brings up a volcano in me. I do not want to break into a cry yet, I had to sleep all day to recover after 18 hours by his bedside. Now I need to get up and do things... there is so much to do. My head said get up and go...Mhy body said stay in bed until you feel better. Watch tv, eat something first time in days...I hate this state. I am a productive person and now all I want to do is go back to sleep. The worst emotion in the wourld is selfpity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 You're going to have to let that volcano blow. It's best if you can control where it happens because it's going to happen.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbeaulieu Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I am so very sorry for your loss. Seeing all this happen firsthand must have been arduous. Find the time to grieve and push forward. You say you are productive. Maybe you can channel your grief this way. But do not hold it in.~ Shane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Grieb Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 (edited) tnelavoc,Kat and I offer our deepest condolences.We wish it were otherwise.Michael & KatI join Michael & Kat. Remember your love and the passion you shared. Edited October 18, 2008 by Chris Grieb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara Branden Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I am so very sorry. The only possible comfort for you is that it would have been still worse had your husband survived with his brain half-destroyed; now, his suffering is over. And try to remember that before depression took its dreadful toll, you gave him great joy by loving him and caring for him. Barbara Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfonso Jones Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 He is goneThey did it last night at 8pm. He lived for ten hours. This was the worst time of my lifeYou have our condolences.Get some rest. I recommend drawing a hard line with his relatives and REFUSING to discuss the decisions made. They should respect that.Bill P (Alfonso) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Grieb Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I agree with Bill P. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed Hudgins Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 I too offer my deepest condolences. The next days and months will be the most difficult you'll face, but try to hold on and take each day one at a time. While right now you can see little in the world of value, it is there and I hope you are able to find the good and the beautiful that life can still offer you.My youngest brother Tom, who became a first-time grandfather in August, died a few weeks ago after after a three-week battle with a virulent cancer. My family and especially my parents and Tom's two daughter have gone through hell. We're helping each other cope with this tragedy so I have some appreciation of your situation. Feel free to rely on those you value and who value you during your convalescence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xaithra Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 (edited) Jason has been cremated last Tuesday. After post mortem the coroners have give us his body back only last week.This is the first time I have managed to get on line in almost 3 weeks... Felt very lonely.His relatives the mystics have done everything NOT the way he would have wanted. They have let me to choose his clothing for him (I have dressed him myself as he was not a big man... he has stitches even on his head), choose flowers, music and to say a few words during the ceremonies... but they DID NOT let me to take his ashes and insisted on taking them back to his home town (the place he hated), they had a priest talking of god there and afterwards they had a service in the local church. They had no respect for his last wishes. They did not attend the cremation itself... they just prayed somewhere.I did not go to the church. I had our friends at my house instead and we had our own service talking about him. None of them is an objectivist unfortunately but they are good people.Now I am here alone and I miss him dreadfully...I keep wanting to discuss things with him, hear him laughing or telling me about his new ideas... I miss his hands and his face. Last time I saw him on Tuesday morning and his skin was cold and his face did not look right... I do not see myself without him. I wish there was another reality where he still can do things and haunt me more then just in my thoughts... But I cannot allow myself to believe even through the pain that there is something else... no matter how desirable that is... He is gone... he does not look down at me from heavens and he is not burning in hell... He is gone Edited November 9, 2008 by tnelavoc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara Branden Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Yes, he is gone. Those are the most terrible words on earth. But they are true. But yoiu are here. You have a life stretching ahead of you. If I believed in duty I would say your sole duty is to live it, to explore all the wonders and all the joy that still are possible to you. You know they are possible, even though you cannot now feel it. And because you know it, you have to hold on and hold out until the day comes when you can feel it. You have to live for the time when life will again be precious to you.I wish you courage ... and good premises. Barbara Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbeaulieu Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Ask yourself this; if the roles were reversed and you were in his situation, would you not want him to live? I'm certain he would want you to live, despite the difficulties of his own life.~ Shane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Stuart Kelly Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 tnelavoc,You are a special person to be able to love that deeply.Michael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guyau Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I see you.He is no more. But nothing can change the fact that you and he were. Ever.Not a whisper, not a thought,Not a kiss nor look be lost. –Auden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Grieb Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Tnelovoc; You have dealt with all this very well and you have my love and respect.I like to hope that people will be as nice to my loved ones after my death as they have been to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xaithra Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Thank you all...Barbara, Shane, Michael, Auden, ChrisI must admit that I have cried reading your posts but I feel a little better. People said to me that it will take at least a year to heal, to recover, to want something again... Right now I am deeping myself into work and don't really like to come back home at night because he is not here. I keep hearing him and feeling him. In the mornings i wake up happy for a few seconds not remembering what has happened and then it hits me so hard again and again... I am afraid to sleep. Those bloody mystics keep calling me and inviting me to talk... to look for the comfort with them... but I have to hide my pain from them pretending that I am all right and don't need comfort... But the truth is - I DO!!! And I prefer to find it with a strangers like yourselfs than with christians. Thank you all for your help.Anka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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