Funny Quotes

[Fran]

"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year."

"Birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live."

From the signature line of a poster on Outpost Gallifrey (Doctor Who)

Edited February 3, 2007 by Fran

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?

Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

Abraham Lincoln

[Kat]

“Toothbrush in the jaw toothbrush brush brush tooth jaw foam dome in the foam Roman dome come home home in the jaw Rome dome tooth toothbrush toothpick pickpocket socket rocket”

- Lois Cook

purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Charles R. Anderson]

Abraham,

If a dog's tail is to be called a leg, then what we used to call legs are not legs. Therefore, the dog has one leg.

[Victor Pross]

"Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do."

Bertrand Russell

[cjsmall]

“Toothbrush in the jaw toothbrush brush brush tooth jaw foam dome in the foam Roman dome come home home in the jaw Rome dome tooth toothbrush toothpick pickpocket socket rocket”

- Lois Cook

Lois Cook eh? I thought this was a poem by Ed Chigliak from Northern Exposure! :-)

[Kat]

Saw this on a t-shirt. I don't know who said it, but I figured I'd share it for Valentine's Day...

"The only thing worse than being overworked and underpaid is being oversexed and underlaid."

[Chris Grieb]

I have never read her but I hear Gertrude Stein may have been the model for Lois Cook.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Here's another Lincoln dog quote:

"I care not for a man's religion if his dog and cat are not the better for it."

— Abraham Lincoln

Michael

[BAMF]

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"! - Mitch Hedberg

"I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit." - Mitch Hedberg

"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg

"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... Unless you're a table." - Mitch Hedberg

"I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg

"A couple nights ago, I was licking peanut butter off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, 'Oh, my God — I'm turning into my mother!'" - Sarah Silverman

"On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it's a good law. the other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty." - Sarah Silverman

"If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds." - on Michael Moore - Greg Giraldo

"What do atheists scream when they cum?" - Bill Hicks

[Chris Grieb]

Kori; Thank you for the quote about Michael Moore. Somebody commented that the US is the only country where they have fat poor people. At the time of the death of Howard Hughes somebody said that Hughes proved it was possible to be too thin and too rich.

Edited February 15, 2007 by Chris Grieb

[Judith]

My two favorites were already posted on the "Favorite Quotes" thread, but I'll put them up again here:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"Ever consider what [dogs] must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

-- Anne Tyler

Judith

[reason.on]

"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions."--Victor Hugo

RCR

[Charles R. Anderson]

"What do atheists scream when they cum?" - Bill Hicks

Isn't it supremely ironic that the best argument for the existence of a benevolent god cannot be used by either the Christians or the Muslims because they so detest the joys of sex!

[studiodekadent]

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it" - Oscar Wilde (its funny because its true)

[Wrighty]

Judith - Your post reminded me of the endless stream of quotes from Yogi Berra, to whom the "Pair up in threes" is usually attributed to.

THese gems are probably amongst my favourites....

.

"When you come to a fork in the road - take it"

"The Future Aint what it used to be"

"Its deja-vu all over again"

"Ninety percent of the game is Half Mental"

"If you don't know where you're going you might not get there"

"We made too many wrong mistakes"

The man is a true legend!

Edited March 7, 2007 by Peter

[Chris Grieb]

Peter; Yogi is a very wise man. A lot of statements have been attributed to him. Unlike many baseball players from his era he is two things they are not alive and well off.

[Danneskjold]

Did I hear Yogi Berra? *peeks up and looks around*

In theory, theory is practice. In practice it isn't.

-Yogi Berra

[Chris Grieb]

Jeff; I'm sure you know this but Casey Stengel considered Berra his necessary player. His sayings are always fun.

[Judith]

"What do atheists scream when they cum?" - Bill Hicks

Isn't it supremely ironic that the best argument for the existence of a benevolent god cannot be used by either the Christians or the Muslims because they so detest the joys of sex!

Re-reading this thread reminded me of another favorite:

"Here lies Kelley, an atheist: All dressed up and no place to go."

[BAMF]

"Ninety percent of the game is Half Mental"

This reminds me of a quote from Anchorman. There are two guys in the scene, Ron Burgundy and another guy. The other guy is trying to woo women by putting on a cologne called Sex Panther. He says, "You know, they say that 60% of the time it works every time."

Ron Burgundy replies, "That doesn't make any sense," to which the other guy replies, "I know. *smirk*"

Then Ron says, "That smells like pure gasoline."

Makes me laugh my ass off every time.

[Wrighty]

Thanks, Jeff.....another quip from the zen master - that's a new one on me!