When Loving Couples Clash!

[Victor Pross]

When Loving Couples Clash! In this corner—conflict resolution!

By Victor Pross

Loving couples will always have their disagreements. Discrepancies and quarrels are inevitable in any romantic relationship. To consider a relationship as “ideal” or as “perfect” would not consist of a faultlessly harmonious union, one without disagreement or squabble. This is a fantasy. There is no such thing as a relationship that is without conflict. This does not make the relationship “less than perfect.” A so-called “perfect relationship” is to be judged according to how wisely and rationally the couple handles and resolves such disputes that do arise—that will arise. That is the issue I want to deal with in this article.

Before proceeding, let us assume for the moment that the disputes are relatively minor and are merely an aberration to an otherwise loving union. Couples who fight frequently and violently are perhaps couples who are incompatible at the core. It’s best to let those relationships come to their inventible conclusion: crash and burn. That is beyond the scoop of this article. I wish to address the question of spats that occur—that will occur--in loving and successful relationships.

But first a few words as to what makes a relationship successful:

A successful relationship [or at least the components of what makes a successful relationship] consists of two individualists. That is, the two individuals realize that they are two separate sovereign people who are intellectually independent and who have achieved a healthy level of self esteem, who are confident in their person and who are prepared to celebrate these accomplishments in the person of another human being, a person who reflects their own achievements back at them.

A successful relationship encourages personal autonomy. Personal autonomy does not pose a "threat" to the other. In fact, personal autonomy would be a welcomed trait and it would be a basic principle from the outset. Before you can say “I love you,” paraphrasing The Fountainhead, “You must be able to first say ‘I’”. A successful relationship would not wish to douse the love or damage the relationship with jealousy or prohibitions on the other’s actions.

A successful relationship does not “police” the other with a constant keeping of tabs. All of this type of behavior stems from a lack of emotional security and possessiveness. This lack of trust can tarnish the vitality of a romantic relationship. Common sense dictates this and yet so very few people explicitly understand it. Whatever conflicting issues rational individuals might encounter--this would not be one of them. So assuming that the two individuals involved are emotionally mature and rational, what is to be said of how best to resolve such conflicts that will arise? Well, there is much to be said about averting and minimizing disputes in the first place.

To my mind, a very basic principle would consist of “nipping the problem in the butt” which means dealing with a pressing issue immediately. Too many people ignore little annoyances and perceptions of the partner’s “inconsideration” [or some other troubling issue] out of fear of being a nag or concern that the “harmony of the relationship” will be shaken if any objections are raised at all. Trust your partner’s rationality and the relationship enough that you understand the bond will not shatter should you express any grievance. If not, the net result is an accumulated resentment leading to increasing tension and unhappiness. Don't let things fester. Deal with the issue on the spot. The key word here is communication.

There is noting too major or minor that shouldn’t be dealt with immediately. It could be something as major as what you take to be a prolonged case of gross negligence of attention or affection from your partner to whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. So much stress and accumulated resentment is completely avoidable---if only an open policy of dealing with issues immediately were practiced--along side a policy of practicing the lost art of communication.

Allied to communication is LISTENING. Everybody seems to believe in listening as long as it’s the other person who is doing it! Naturally, listening is a two way street. Communication and listening are two dance partners who don’t step on the other’s toes to make a point. Be direct, but loving. That is, avoid all game-playing, pretense, or hypocrisy. Be real and open—but not harsh and condemning. Try to remember that you are in love with this person.

Rational individualists like to boost a great deal of how unaffected they are by their emotions. I, for one, remain singularly unconvinced of this. It is clearly evident that we all say and do things in the “heat of the moment” that we would believe unthinkable—and even cruel—when having a cooler head. Guilt is the feeling that follows up after anger. On such occasions, it’s sometimes best to simply call for a “time out.” Separate and go to the corner of the boxing ring for a break. There is nothing wrong with this. Communication remains a standing principle--but it can be conducted after the time out. Depending on the severity of the disagreement, sometimes a few hours [or even a whole day] is a wise policy. One partner can leave the home to go for a drive or to the movies. It’s time apart so that cooler heads can prevail. When rejoining your partner, resume the communication. Now that the heat has cooled off, sort out the problem—but be nice.

Remember that your partner’s love and devotion is not an “immutable law of nature” that can never be damaged or out-right destroyed. I may be stating the obvious, but given the overwhelming evidence of ill-treatment of others---others whom we purportedly “love”---tells me it’s not being said enough. It needs to be said until some of it is heard--and practiced. A happy relationship depends on it.

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Edited November 28, 2006 by Victor Pross