Re My Love and Obsession Post - thank you for your replies!

[warriorprincess]

Firstly

Let me say this...to all who replied, including the man who said I should practice chopping wood because Mr UK rejected the advances of a mad Aussie woman - thank you!

I am sorry, I am bipolar and sometimes I see things more rationally and other times I feel sorry for myself, and get quite angry....O.K., am I allowed to be human or what? Of course I realise what I did, of course I made a mistake, but if you gave someone friggin' calculus to do and they had never done algebra, how the bloody hell are they supposed to know what to do? How was I supposed to know that you can scare a guy off by getting intense emails from a stranger if you were at the level of emotional development that I was at? Mmmm?

Let me say this, I am NO LONGER A promiscuous hypomaniac whore and I am doing my best to keep my panties on and if you think I am humourless, I was thinking of packing away all my slutty lingerie and putting it in storage together with all the other shit I have accumulated in my life, as I have been unable to be cured of my OCD- "hoarding" subtype. Of course, I can hardly donate the lingerie stuff to charity, can I?

Yes, Mr UK couldn't give a rat's arse and why should he? Why should he care that I was a naive, worried and fretting that I could not be happy with my husband, married woman who was so confused about herself sexually and who met a man who was more experienced and who initially cared but who then just abandoned me because I scared him with an 'agressive and obsessive' email! I mean I joined the site because I wondered why my niece (who I love and I am not jealous of, btw) had a big nice new house and a baby on the way, yet that night, when I was over there at her house, in my husband's absence, my relatives were quipping that there must be something wrong with me sexually and why no baby after all this time? (the insinuation being that there must be something wrong with me sexually)... and later discusssions that evening prompted me to find that site, I typed in "friend" or "passion", found it was an adult site and was eventually led to Mr UK, aka "Mr McDarcy".

But sadly, I had to get manic, go promiscuous and put myself in the gutter to work out that sexually I was normal, that there were reasons why sex was painful and why I didn't look forward to it, that there was nothing wrong with my sexual responsiveness, that I could be turned on by a man...it would have been nice if I hadn't had to do that, it would have been nice if I still had Mr McDarcy as a friend, but I screwed up and I don't have that now, O.K.?

Anyway, I had an injection of Depo Provera a few weeks back in case I decided to start cheating again...best thing I did, the mega dose of progesterone lowers the libido real good and I am back to just having Romantic Fantasises again - of course this time they will only stay in my head, No more cheap sexual substitutes for "Mr McDarcy" for me!

So Mr "UK/Mr McDarcy", can stick it into into his alleged "wife" and if that aint enough, all of East England and half of his native Scotland if he wishes, because never again am I going to lower myself to a man who doesn't worship me or at least care or love me enough to try to understand me, like my husband did and does.

FYI, my marriage is not destroyed, my husband forgave my sluttishness, because he knew I was ill and it was all started because I could not cope with finding what lust is about at nearly 39 years of age....so we don't have sex, so bloody what, it is just joining genitals in the long run - who needs that when I have the love of the only man in my life who will love me and the only man who I can genuinely say I cam feel mature love for? If he was paralysed or couldn't get it up, then should I leave him as well? No, if it is a true marriage?

Who says that true love has to be sexual? Who friggin' really needs that when you can masturbate and you are too f***ed in the head to ever bring children into this world? People who focus on sex like they can do on that site have nothing else going on between the ears, I'm afraid...even sex as an adult is just a regression back to being a child in an oral/genital/anal fixation...so give me a bloody honorary PhD for working that out!

Seriously, I don't want pity, I sometimes I just want some understanding and I cannot expect you all to understand, given what limited information I you have about me and my situation and I say that will all due to respect to you all...

Barbara, I am sorry if I offended you, but I don't think you should walk out of a marriage just because your wife ain't getting her husband's willy up anymore, anymore than I should because I am not getting my panties off for my husband, ya know?

While I think I am probably wrong as regards Nathaniel Branden, that seems to be the crux of it for men, so to speak, in fact, before joining the site, I never knew what brutal, carnal most men are, they will say anything to get p**sy, at least my husband is gentle in that way and never pestered me or manipulated me for sex, ever....

As for me being bored? I dunno about that...why don't you try being a bit more gentle and think...this shiela is grieving the loss of sex, the loss of children and the realisation that while I can' t have it all, I have enough, I have love and most people don't have that, so O.K., I was wrong and naive to indulge my fantasies with "Mr McDarcy"and I scared him off, so why bloody well crucify me? He told me he would alert the police in Australia and the U.K. if I ever contacted him again, after my girlfriend in N.Z. tried desperately to find out why he wasn't replying to my emails and called him at his work in the U.K. on my behalf...I have to live now with that fact that he saw me as a cyberstalker. Now, how would that make you feel?

You see, this is what happens, someone says something that shows they don't understand me and I go off on the deep end and am reminded of the pain....while he did not deserve being "projected to" and scared, I think I ended up suffering the most, after nearly being admitted to hospital with severe depression afterwards, don't you?

I am very sorry, as I said, at times I am quite rational and I understand this is not the way to attract a man, either in real life or long distance....I realise I should have just kept it on a friendly level and not think with my p***y or let my hormones go crazy and not said anything, not get all obsessive and clingy as if we were some cyber-lovers already and tell him about fantasies of marriage and babies....after all, he would have been screwing women locally and have no need for me for sexual release, anyway and I might have a friend who would be great because I could have had my marriage and have my fantasy/sexual needs met just by knowing he was there, perhaps that would have been enough for me, I don't know and I will never know, because he has been blessed in a way and that is what I mean by life being unfair, O.K.?

At times I am even a decent enough person to worry that he may still be afraid of me going over there as he warned me not to waste my time, money, etc last year when my girlfriend intimated to him that I might, given that she told him I was obsessed with him, which she said in order to understand his side of things and to truly portray how I was feeling, during their brief conversation...at times I wonder whether he is happy, whether he is sad, whether he truly is in love, whether he is in any kind of pain? At times, I feel really sorry that he had to be on the other end of me, that of all people, I had to pick this poor bloke to vent my frustrations, or project, or obsess over, as he didn't deserve it. At times I think perhaps he a a flawed, but very nice person and I will never have the chance to know that and that hurts, O.K.?

So what type of person do you think that makes me knowing what you know, now?

(You know, I didn't even used to type with ..... before I met him, he taught me that!)

Regards,

G. (warriorprincess)