Worst Contemporary Songs Ever Contest.

[Rich Engle]

Alright, I didn't even check, but I am pretty sure we have dipped into these savage waters before here on OL. My personal, selfish reasoning is that I have been far too busy to do any serious posting here (much to the relief of many), and I want to, er, "continue to contribute." Right.

It came to me when I was watching an excellent lesbo movie, "One Night In Rome." If you are a guy that loves Lesbianism, this is the movie for you. And, you can easily skip through the dialog sequences. Excellent! There is so much top-notch, artsy lesbo action in this that it just has that beauty; you keep thanking Jesus, or Zeus, or whoever for what is going down. The film keeps rolling away like that, and then, near the tail end, the beloved Shower Scene. And this is what killed it for me because one of them sang a song I utterly loathe. I am a professional musician, and I have to play anything that goes in front of me. Enough said.

Rules: None, really, because every time you think you have found the worst one ever, another one shows up. There is no end to it. I only suggest we keep it roughly, say, from the late '50's to present. You have to put some controls on the thing. Then, if anyone replies, we could tally them all up and create a giant shit-list. That's about it for how I picture the contest. There will be no winners. At first I was going to offer prizes and not send them, but I thought better of that.

So, I will start gently. The commentary should be, I imagine, funnier than the horror of the song itself.

1. Volare. This song is annoying, horrible crap, especially if you have ever had to do a club gig with, say, a Frank Sinatra wannabe. It is a pure death blow.

2. Feelings. Same as above, but greasier.

That's it, just start with two, although my music director mentioned "Lightning Strikes Again," which is a true turd, as well.

Happy Hunting,

rde

[Rich Engle]

ADDENDUM:

It also just occurred to me that an important distinction is that the idea is to look for simply horrible songs, meaning, not how it was interpreted by the artist: that is a whole category unto itself. We could go on forever on that one, and it is not a bad idea if you contemplate it. My idea is to look for turd songs.

Musicologist suggestions: What you are normally looking for (but not entirely limited to looking for) are songs where lyrics and music are written by one person, or at the most, a songwriting duo. A good sterilized example, a bit stretchy one, would be, for instance, analyzing Fred Loesser's stuff. Yes, he did "Guys and Dolls" and a million other ones, but if you read into what the music and lyrics combine to, often, the horror begins.

Again, I am not trying to put strict limits on this: a Turd Is A Turd. This could get dicey, and that is fine. For instance, folk songs. Many years ago, in my musical infancy, I heard a version of "Tom Dooley" that gave me the Fear. I'm not sure about ones like that, but I do know that the song was so horrid that it didn't matter who sung it.

That's all.

Best,

rde

[Rich Engle]

It should work virally for all of us. Here's one. I was forced to sing this in 4th grade choir, and even had to wear a Green Beret. The Horror. I even had to get my parents buy the 45 for me. At that time, I thought it was cool. It wasn't.

Aside from the thoroughly stiff arrangement, notice the death-like Hammond Organ parts. A true nightmare. The brass parts are even nasty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH4-tOqLH94

Edited June 1, 2011 by Rich Engle

[Rich Engle]

Inspirational Research Material for the Beginner:

[Rich Engle]

I listened to it just to assure the torture levels and had to bail in under .5 minutes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM7SQzq3yHQ&feature=fvst

[Rich Engle]

Shit-Sandwich. At that time, the #1 band on the planet.

[Rich Engle]

As if Dylan weren't enough to put up with. Idea: Go online, search for self-embalming kit.

[Jonathan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59BZxgohr9g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsZ5a5UQvrs

[Rich Engle]

I don't care what anyone says. It was shit then, it is shit now. The repetition of chorus alone, for fuck's sake. I'd rather attend a funeral including a Full Catholic Mass, because it would get done sooner. Nasty. 5:35 of sheer terror. Although, I will give him kudos for warping the space-time continuum. Possibly the worst part about it is that when you think it is done, it resurrects itself, briefly, like a zombie.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Rich Engle

[Rich Engle]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59BZxgohr9g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsZ5a5UQvrs

Nicely done! Truly Turd-O-Licious! Yes! The Hurricane Smith is particularly disturbing, no? And, just for the record, those kinds of Strats back then were absolutely disgusting. Unless, of course, you were buying one to pound a nail into a fencepost. Thank you, CBS, for your beautiful work.

Regards,

rde

Edited June 1, 2011 by Rich Engle

[Jonathan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKNU2ocLxMY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN2qImB0sT0

I think I've got to go with the last one -- I Love The Night Life -- as my vote for worst ever.

J

Edited June 1, 2011 by Jonathan

[Rich Engle]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKNU2ocLxMY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN2qImB0sT0

I think I've got to go with the last one -- I Love The Night Life -- as my vote for worst ever.

J

Agree, absolutely.

[Rich Engle]

Of course, J, there's this one. I hated it the day it came out, my dad and mom loved it. It was psychological torture in that we had the record, AND the sheet music--which they both duet-ed on. This is just one of many versions. One of the main go-to's in songwriting when you know you have a turd in your hands is to modulate it up a whole step, repeat until death occurs. That happens a lot, in this tragic case at about 1:17.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlkdC8wh1W0&feature=fvst

Edited June 1, 2011 by Rich Engle

[Jonathan]

The Hurricane Smith is particularly disturbing, no?

Yeah. I think I was in second or third grade when that song came out, and it was on the radio constantly for a few weeks. It made my want to puke. I thought it sounded like Carol Channing after a sex change operation.

J

[Jonathan]

Speaking of Carol Channing, she has always been like sexual Kryptonite to me. How about you? I just look at her or hear her voice, and my wiener just wants to crawl up inside of me and hide.

J

[9thdoctor]

The first thing I thought of was the music from the old animated Lord of the Rings movies. Ugh.

[Brant Gaede]

It should work virally for all of us. Here's one. I was forced to sing this in 4th grade choir, and even had to wear a Green Beret. The Horror. I even had to get my parents buy the 45 for me. At that time, I thought it was cool. It wasn't.

Aside from the thoroughly stiff arrangement, notice the death-like Hammond Organ parts. A true nightmare. The brass parts are even nasty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH4-tOqLH94

Poor Barry. A good singer can make this real bad song a little better, but nobody ever professionally recorded did it worse.

Poor Barry. He had a bar in Tucson for a while. I wasn't here then. Went to Guatemala, I think, as some sort of mercenary and got shot in the head. Never recovered and eventually died of all that.

--Brant

I think in the 1960s they liked recording crap to sale

[Reidy]

is coming up on fifty years, yet it still outranks them all.

[9thdoctor]

This one is coming up on fifty years, yet it still outranks them all.

Whoa, good pick. This one's also god-awful, in the same vein.

[Reidy]

If you liked the video Eve of Destruction you'll fall in love with the period feel of the

. We don't see choreography like that any more.

Rand said in 1971 that 65 was the year when thinks took a decided turn for the worse in the US. This clip shows why.

[studiodekadent]

Any pop made after the 80's.

Exceptions apply for Duran Duran, who are the best pop band ever.

[Brant Gaede]

Any pop made after the 80's.

Exceptions apply for Duran Duran, who are the best pop band ever.

No fair sneaking a best into a worst thread.

--Brant

[studiodekadent]

Any pop made after the 80's.

Exceptions apply for Duran Duran, who are the best pop band ever.

No fair sneaking a best into a worst thread.

--Brant

The "best" was only placed in there to provide more specificity to the "worst."

[Rich Engle]

The first thing I thought of was the music from the old animated Lord of the Rings movies. Ugh.

Definitely Foul. And we should kill the Keebler Elves<tm> while we are at it.

rde

[Rich Engle]

Any pop made after the 80's.

Exceptions apply for Duran Duran, who are the best pop band ever.

Do you have any idea how many high school girls masturbated to "Hungry Like A Wolf"?

I have field research to prove it.

I saw them in Cleveland before they "became." Back then, they were wearing spray painted beehive wigs, lots of fog, and playing Beatles cover tunes. I was in the front row and saw this, but the bastards will always deny it.

r