An Atheist’s Journey to Self-Esteem by Paul M. Kay I have experienced in my lifetime a journey from self-hatred and loathing to self-esteem. I went from believing that I could do nothing right or worthwhile to a sense of greater efficacy in achieving my goals. I have traveled from a world that was hostile and unfriendly to a world that I now view as pretty damn good despite any difficulties that may arise. I was disturbed and troubled by many of the confusing and conflicting messages that I received from family members and from the outside world. For example, when I was about 11, when I asked Mom what she wanted for her birthday, she replied that it wasn’t necessary for me to get anything for her—and when I didn’t, got scolded and punished for it. (“You should have known that she really didn’t mean it when she said that”.) A few years later, when Mom berated me for trying to date the most popular girl in school, she said that she was doing it for my own good; that she was trying to prevent me from getting hurt due to the obvious rejection that I would get. Little did she know that the nagging and sarcasm that came from her hurt far worse than any rejection ever could on the part of Miss Popularity. I now know that my parents did the best that they were capable of doing and that their actions and behaviors were “not the _expression of intentional cruelty or ill will. It was simply the “normal” manner of functioning on the part of his (my) parents which most adults take for granted.” As expressed by Nathaniel Branden in his article, “Emotions and Repression” from the September, 1966 issue of The Objectivist. Branden also had me pegged for sure when in that same article he also wrote, “It was not the trauma of a single moment or episode but a long accumulation of blows delivered to a victim who was not able to know that he was a victim or of what. He could not understand his elder’s behavior: he knew only that he was trapped in a world that was unintelligible and menacing”. It was during the years from 1971-1975 that I hit emotional rock bottom. It was during that time that I had graduated from college, although just barely due to the fact that I didn’t put fort the required effort since at that time I had an abysmal lack of self-confidence. During my job search after graduation I spiraled even more downward emotionally from the contradicting messages that I received in my career search. I was told that a college degree was the key to a good job and conversely, told that it wasn’t. I answered recruitment ads which said, “People with college degrees wanted—no experience needed,” and was rejected for not having any experience. After many months of being told that I was not qualified enough, that I was aiming too high, I realized that in order to find employment, I would have to set my sights a little lower. So, I applied for a job that required less than a college degree. However, during the interview I was told that I was “overqualified” because of my diploma and should consequently “aim a little higher.” When I heard this, the following thoughts were racing through my head, “You jerk, what do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past 10 months!? I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t. Nothing I ever do is right. I’m either not good enough or else I’m ‘too good,’ but never good enough.” And I have to admit that I freaked out during the interview and bolted out of the office crying and in tears. Also, I believe that a contributing fact to my emotional state at that time was my belief that unless I had a full-time job that enabled me to earn enough money to support myself and a family, I was a worthless piece of garbage. I did, however, have a part-time job in the evening. It was during this time that I had been dating a girl who I knew from back in college. I was quite attracted to her and she was very fond of me. However, since I didn’t have a “real” job, I felt that I was unworthy of a romantic relationship and so, consequently, ended it. I felt so frightened and ashamed of my self that I couldn’t confront her face to face and ended the affair simply by not contacting her anymore. I committed the Objectivist crime of evasion. I pretended that she didn’t exist. Nevertheless, the therapist with whom I had been working was able to steer me in the right direction and eventually, I did land a regular full time job—and I’ve been working for that same company for over 30 years. At about the time that I was in 8th grade I began questioning and began having doubts about God and other religious beliefs. By the time I was a freshman in college, I had gone totally to the side of atheism after reading a number of books and other publications on the subject. However, it was not until I read Why I am an Atheist by Madalyn Murray O’Hair, the litigant in the Supreme Court case entitled “Murray vs. Curlett” which removed mandatory religious exercises from the public schools, that I learned the practical implications of atheism and an atheist lifestyle. O’Hair mentioned that even though atheism denied the existence of supernatural beings and events, that it was not entirely negative, that it did have a “positive approach to the problems of man, of man living in human relationships in a hard cruel world”. Her answer: “We solve our problems ourselves or they are not going to get solved, and you know it and I know it”. In addition, she said, “An atheist accepts that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it, and to enjoy it… An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death.” Later in that essay, O’Hair explained the basis and foundation upon which atheism rests. “We accepted the technical philosophy of Materialism, or Naturalism,” which means “that nothing exists but natural phenomena—that there are no supernatural forces, nor can there be. Nature simply exists, matter is, material is.” (Existence exists.) O’Hair then went on to mention that there are some people who deny this, and that they believe that mind or spirit preceded nature and created it. These people are known as “Idealists” and that most conventional religions are based upon Idealism. O’Hair’s discussion of the conflict between Naturalism-Materialism and Idealism seems to parallel the conflict that Ayn Rand termed the conflict between The Primacy of Existence and The Primacy of Consciousness. However, regardless of the terminology used—Materialism or Primacy of Existence, Idealism or Primacy of Consciousness, each one results in totally different lifestyles. According to O’Hair, Idealism leads to, “a contempt for the earthly life.” According to Idealism, “The goal of your life is to die, the goal of life is death so that you can reunite with “ideas once again up in heaven as a type of personal fulfillment…” This goal is achieved by “obedience, meekness, and submission to the authority of the church. With “Hellfire, the wrath of God… illness, despair and lack of fulfillment as punishments for disobedience.” “Materialism”, on the other hand, “liberates us by teaching us not to hope for heaven beyond the grave, not to hope for happiness in death, but rather to prize life here on earth and strive always to improve it. Materialism restores to man his dignity and intellectual integrity. Man IS capable of mastering the forces of nature. Man IS capable of creating a social system based on reason and justice. Materialism’s “faith” is in man and in man’s ability to transform the world by his own efforts. This is a philosophy that is in every essence, life asserting.” These passages from Why I am an Atheist burned deeply into my mind, my soul and the very fiber of my being. A few years later, it provided with what Objectivism calls, “the emotional and spiritual fuel that encouraged me to fight for a value that was most precious to me, that helped me persist in one of my most important life goals and perhaps, possibly overcome a potential, terrible tragedy. In late March of 1975 I met and began dating “SG,” the young woman who was mentioned in my SOLOHQ essay, “An Objectivist Tale of Two Lovers”. I soon fell deeply in love with her but refrained from telling her so because I believed that my declaration would be met with rejection, a rejection that I could not bear to face. However, after thinking about it for some time, I decided to lay my cards on the table and take the plunge. And soon I found the perfect vehicle and opportunity to do so. It was early May and the mutual friend who introduced us told me that “SG’s” birthday is coming up in about a week and a half. So, I knew about her birthday, but she didn’t know that I knew. “Boy, will she be stunned and surprised,” I thought. So, I went to a flower shop to pick out a gift. There, I found the perfect item—a large, red rose encased in a mounted, glass ball. I paid for it, brought it home, and placed it in the trunk of my car. That Saturday, I drove to “SG’s” house in order to pick her up for our weekly date. But before we took off I said, “Just a second, there’s something that I must do first”. I then went to the trunk, retrieved the gift and presented it to her. “What’s this for?!” she exclaimed in stunned amazement “You mean to tell me that you don’t know that today is your birthday?” I responded in feigned amazement. I then told her how I found out and we both had a lighthearted chuckle over it. It was then that I decide that the time was right to strike and express my deepest feelings for her. As soon as she opened it, I said, “Honey, this gift, as you can see, is not very big, it wasn’t too expensive, and it doesn’t do very much. But what it is a symbol of my love for you. I then took her hand and said, “I love you darling. I love you with all my heart and soul. You mean the world to me”. Upon hearing this, “SG” burst into tears and began crying profusely. “Oh, Shit”, I thought to myself, “I really blew it this time. Probably when I said that the gift was not too expensive she thought that it was a piece of cheap junk and that I was not being sincere with her”. “Honey”, I asked, “Is there something wrong? Don’t you like your present? Did I get you the wrong thing?” “Oh no!” she declared, “You got it all wrong! I love it. It’s beautiful. This is the most wonderful present I’ve ever received in my life!” “So then, why are you crying?” I asked. “I’m crying because I’m so happy,” she responded. I was totally dumbfounded. How could just a little flower cause such an emotional upheaval? I expected a smile and perhaps a kiss as well, but definitely not this. However, I soon received a response to my unasked question. “SG” paused, and while she was still sobbing said, “No one has ever said ‘I love you’ to me.” I couldn’t believe my ears. She had been on this earth for 24 years and no one has told this beautiful, wonderful creature that she was worthy of love. When I asked her if she ever had a boyfriend who said he loved her, she shook her head “No.” Nor, according to her, did her parents ever say that they loved her because they were too busy fighting among themselves to pay attention to her. “Well, that’s over, now,” I told her. “You now have someone who loves you very much.” Then I reached out and held her until she stopped crying and we continued on our date. Later that evening, I learned just how important my declaration of love really was, why it meant so much to her, and why it was critical of me to express my love. As we were heading back home, “SG” turned to me and said quite hesitatingly, “Honey, there’s a confession that I have to make to you. There’s a deep, dark secret that I’m hiding inside of me. There’s something about me that you don’t know.” My mind began racing. “What could it possibly be? Is her father an alcoholic? Was she a rape victim? Does she, herself, have a criminal record? Perhaps she has a terminal illness which means that I will soon lose her”. “Well, what is it?” I asked. “It’s much too serious to discuss here in the car.” She responded. “We really should wait until we get back home.” When we got inside her house, we sat down on the couch face to face. I held her hand and asked, “Now what did you want to tell me?” Then, unexpectedly, to my surprise, she pulled away saying, “Oh, forget it. It’s really nothing. It isn’t anything of real importance.” Well, I just wouldn’t buy that. After all, how could something that a mere 20 minutes ago was so serious and important that it could not be discussed while riding in a car, (presumably so that we could be in better focus while discussing the problem) be all of a sudden something of little or no importance? “Darling,” I said very intently while looking straight at her. “When I said that I loved you, I meant every word of it. I can tell that there is something that is bothering you terribly, but I can’t help you unless I know what it is. Please tell me!” “SG” then paused for a brief, few seconds and answered in low, halting tones. “I was planning to commit suicide shortly after you left tonight.” My jaw then dropped. I was totally shocked, stunned and horrified. “What exactly do you mean?” I asked. “What exactly were you planning to do?” “There’s a big bottle of aspirin in the medicine cabinet. I was going to swallow the whole thing, lie down and end it all.” “And why in the world did you want to do something like that?” I asked. And why pick your birthday of all days?” “Well,” she began, “The same old dull things were happening day in and day out. The same things over and over again. Nothing different, nothing new. I felt very discouraged with life. This happened about a year ago on my previous birthday. So I decided to wait a full year to see if anything would change, and if nothing did, I decided that I would end it all.” It was then that that quotation from Why I am an Atheist came to mind. “An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death.” And here was the perfect moment to put those words into action. I then grasped her two hands in mine, looked straight at her and cried with excitement, “I hope you realize now that there is no need to go through with that! You and I can be part of a beautiful, NEW love relationship. Think of all the possibilities that can be open to us! You’re not alone, anymore, ‘SG.’ If there are any problems or difficulties, we can face them together!” We then had one of the most wonderful and beautiful lovemaking sessions that I could ever remember. It was a time of total ecstasy. Body and soul united with body and soul. I was so enraptured that evening that I thought to myself, “If after I arrive back home (a 45 minute trip) I get a phone call from her saying, ‘I’m lonely, I’m frightened, please come back to me,’ I would hop right back in my car and dash right off to be with her again.” I also felt a rise in pride and self-esteem that I had never experienced before. Striving for, and defending and protecting your most precious values can have just that emotional effect. I could say with enthusiasm, “YES, I DID IT, and it was well worth it. I went from worthless loser to hero triumphant. I knew that had I not taken the actions that I did, I quite possibly would have lost her.” I also wondered, “If I had chickened out that evening and not told her my feelings for her, could it be possible that I would be reading her obituary in the morning newspaper?” What a difference saying those three words, “I love you” made that evening. I’m grateful I found the courage to do so and face the risk that it could have entailed. I have to thank the quotations in Why I am an Atheist for helping me out. And most of all, I have to thank “SG” herself. For how could I NOT say “I love you” to someone I found to be so beautiful and so inspiring? A previous girlfriend who treated me like dirt caused me to have low opinions of—and to generally mistrust—all other women. However, “SG” helped me to regain that trust. At one point in my life there was complete darkness. Then two women began to lead me out of it into the light. I began to rise onward and upward from death to life. Many years later, I would “meet” another woman who would help me on my journey. Her name? Ayn Rand, of course.
