Facing the Final Music

[James Kilbourne]

Facing the Final Music

by James Kilbourne

Reading Barbara's article on aging, I realized how much thought I have been giving this topic of late. Having decided to retire, at 62, from running my own company, I am involved in a rather rigorous and extended reassessment of my life, so it is a good opportunity to organize my own thoughts on this subject.

First, a few observations. Either nobody explains aging very well to younger people, or younger people can’t hear very well when they are told about it. I believe that nobody explains it very well. There is a paucity of transferred knowledge on aging from old to young, either of the shallow or the profound variety. As Barbara points out, no one told her that she would still feel 18 when she was 77. In my case, I have the dual feeling of being 7 and being 50, but I have had that feeling since I was…7 or so. However, of one thing I am certain; I never feel 62. It always requires an act of focus to remember that I am 62 (and at 62 sometimes it is a little hard to focus on anything). When I am asked my age, a decidedly embarrassing time can elapse before the answer gets to my tongue.

I first remember thinking what it would be like to be old when I was 3 or 4. I noticed that there were brown spots on my grandmother’s hands. She explained that they were “age spots”. If grandma had ‘em, they were okay with me, but I thought my hands looked better than hers, even if they weren’t nearly as soft. I remember my uncle Mac giving my aunt Peg a bottle of Serutan when she turned 35. (For those of you born yesterday, I should explain that Serutan -- Natures spelled backwards -- was a laxative). This gave me my first clue that things might not work so well when I got older.

When I was in my teens, I read in a Steinbeck novel (I think it was “East of Eden”) his description of old men: “Strawberries don’t taste like they used to, and the thighs of women have lost their clutch.” This thought has stayed with me since I first read it. The reason, I am sure, is that to a teenager the “thighs of women” sounded pretty exciting, even to one predisposed toward his own sex, but time has proven that strawberries and everything else from the garden sure don’t taste like they used to. I am happy to say that the aforementioned “clutch”, whoever is doing the clutching, still has its same appeal.

The difference between young and old in contemplating the future is that the old have less future to contemplate. If futurist Ray Kurzweil is correct, mankind stands on the brink of eternal life. He thinks that baby boomers will be the first to achieve it, and in his fifties now, he is working to keep himself in shape so that he might be one of the first to live forever. The baby boomer generation began in 1946, and I was born in 1944. Being so close to the cut off date gives me the feeling that everyone else is standing on a mountaintop, except for few of us who are sliding down its side into a dark abyss..…

I do believe that life spans will greatly increase in this century. Scientific knowledge is increasing exponentially. Within the next generation, it is probable that there will be a doubling of life expectancy, and within the next century, it is very possible that we will conquer aging as we know it. I have profound confidence that man will do a much better job of handling change than evolution has done, but if eternal life is in the cards (non-fatalistically speaking, that is), I think it will take close to eternity to discover how to get there.

Certainly the design of living beings leaves much to be desired. No one can pretend to enjoy the gradual erosion of his physical and mental capacities. My brother once defined old as “rotted to a visible degree”. Admittedly, he was much younger when he came up with that one, but as with many of his definitions, there is some truth to it. I am frightened of being incapacitated. I have no fear of death. The knowledge that death is the absence of life and consciousness, and therefore not something I will ever experience, means there is nothing of which to be frightened.

The fear of death has caused men to invent fantastic myths to keep from facing it. I don’t care to spend a moment of my life thinking in such a manner. However, how I face death is important to me. I love the magic of Cyrano de Bergerac running his sword through death, but I hope to approach it in my usual way of coping with problems- with music.

In my early twenties, I found two pieces of music that express my thoughts about dying. At the age of 86, Richard Strauss wrote his “Four Last Songs”. The are “Spring”, “September”, “Time to Sleep”, and “At Dusk”. He and his wife were ill, and would survive but a few months after he completed this music. These songs sum up a lifetime. And in the final song Strauss and his life’s companion, hand in hand, say goodbye to life. With a profound but reassuringly gentle touch, the music fades into… nothingness.

At Dusk

Here both in need and gladness

we wandered, hand in hand

now let us pause at last

before the silent land

Dusk comes the vales exploring

The darkling air grows still

Above two skylarks soaring

In songs their dreams fulfill

Draw close and leave them singing

Soon will be time to sleep

How lost our way’s beginning!

This solitude, how deep!

Oh, beauty, rest desired!

We sense the night’s soft breath

Now we become so tired!

Can this perhaps be death?

The other piece of music, wistful and haunting, is the last song in Gustav Mahler’s “Das Lied von der Erde” ( The Song of the Earth). The title is “Das Abschied” (The Farewell). It describes the frustrating helplessness that one sometimes feels fearing he will no longer be able to experience the glories of life. The music that accompanies the last words is simple, like nature itself, and indescribably beautiful. I feel as if I am now standing firmly on that mountaintop, experiencing all that a glorious day on earth can offer. This song is the longing for eternity. The singer tells of traveling by horseback into the mountains to say goodbye to his good friend.

“Oh, my friend. Fortune was not kind to me in this world!

“Where am I going? I shall wander in the mountains. I am seeking rest for my lonely heart.

“I shall wander to my native land, to my home. I shall never roam abroad. Still is my heart, it is awaiting its hour.

“Everywhere the lovely earth blossoms forth in spring and grows green anew!

“Everywhere, forever, horizons are blue and bright! Forever and ever…forever and ever…forever and ever…forever and ever…”

When my time comes, I will have these two recordings by my side. I don’t know which piece I will choose to play last. That will depend on how my song ends.

[Rich Engle]

James,

Just a quck note to say I really enjoy this piece. It makes a nice companion to BB's, IMHO...

Wonderful!

[Roger Bissell]

James, I appreciate your heartfelt thoughts. I think you are probably right, that you (and I) will likely pass this mortal coil before (effective) immortality is developed. And that's a shame, because it would be a blessing to manking if your lovely soul were to continue being a life-giving force in the world for another century or two. I hope that you are making plans for your essays and poetry to be preserved for posterity.

REB

[James Kilbourne]

James, I appreciate your heartfelt thoughts. I think you are probably right, that you (and I) will likely pass this mortal coil before (effective) immortality is developed. And that's a shame, because it would be a blessing to manking if your lovely soul were to continue being a life-giving force in the world for another century or two. I hope that you are making plans for your essays and poetry to be preserved for posterity.

REB

My thanks to you and Rich for your kind thoughts above. I have been thinking about the meaning of greatly extended lifespans under the influence of Ray Kurzweil's book "The Singularity is Near", which I read earlier this year. I think Kurzweil may be wildly optimistic to talk of the capacity for a limitless life span being achievable for baby boomers, but this man is certainly a respected scientist and not some nutcase, so I think it is possible that greater advances in longevity are on the horizon than we would have thought reasonable to contemplate a decade ot two ago. However, it is the quality of life that I find much more interesting than its length.

[Rich Engle]

Robert Heinlein's Time Enough For Love is a wonderful book centered around the idea of extended lifespans, and of course, it's Heinlein, so it's saucy and smart and funny as all Hell. I put that book right up there with AS.

Again, James, lovely!

[Roger Bissell]

Yes, James, quality of life is what it's all about. Naturally, wanting MORE quality time is natural. We start out wanting it as children, and we never seem to completely give up that yearning. But whatever time I do have here on earth, I want it to be full of fulfilling activity and enjoyment, both aimed at goals and at living in the moment. It's really not that difficult to balance, and it keeps me from getting out of balance (in re the present and the future).

Rich -- the Heinlein book you mentioned is one of my favorite science fiction novels. It says so much about life and love, I think that everyone should read it, and I can think of very few books about which I would say that.

REB

[Charles R. Anderson]

Thanks for your thoughts on life and death. I found them interesting and your essay was very well written.

As a leading edge baby-boomer, I have no expectations of being able to watch you slide down the mountain alone from its top. I fully expect to slide down a shade behind you, possibly at a very slightly slower rate.

The human system is extremely complex and very individual. While knowledge of medicine is rapidly increasing, a good part of that knowledge is acknowledging how complex the human body and its proper functioning is. Many of the easy gains in extending life have been made through those periods of life when one or two subsystems are breaking down at a time. When one reaches 90 or 100, there are more commonly many subsystems breaking down and wearing out at once. What it takes to fix one may often put added strain on another. We will continue to make progress, especially if the Federal government does not take over the health system from top to bottom, but those gains will come grudgingly.

Meanwhile, I have to admit to having few thoughts of dying. I am too busy thinking about all the things I want to do and am doing. If my thinking ability has decreased, the use of my added experience and knowledge has allowed me to fool myself into not noticing it. Food still tastes great and sex is as heavenly or more so than ever! When I have problems with these things, I will search hard for other things to provide the joys and pleasures of life. If I do not find them, then I suppose it will be time to walk off alone into the woods as the old Indians did of old. Assuming I can walk anyway! Maybe that will be the last problem I will have to solve.

[mweiss]

James, I appreciate your heartfelt thoughts. I think you are probably right, that you (and I) will likely pass this mortal coil before (effective) immortality is developed. And that's a shame, because it would be a blessing to manking if your lovely soul were to continue being a life-giving force in the world for another century or two. I hope that you are making plans for your essays and poetry to be preserved for posterity.

REB

My thanks to you and Rich for your kind thoughts above. I have been thinking about the meaning of greatly extended lifespans under the influence of Ray Kurzweil's book "The Singularity is Near", which I read earlier this year. I think Kurzweil may be wildly optimistic to talk of the capacity for a limitless life span being achievable for baby boomers, but this man is certainly a respected scientist and not some nutcase, so I think it is possible that greater advances in longevity are on the horizon than we would have thought reasonable to contemplate a decade ot two ago. However, it is the quality of life that I find much more interesting than its length.

What Ray is doing is probably quite possible, from a purely scientific standpoint, but when I passed around an article this week about his work in this field, it was met with a lot of Socialist jealousy. Therefore, I am reminded that politics will ruin this chance, because it increases the vast gulf between the haves and the have-nots. That would be a shame, but in the government's tradition for egalitarianism, it would be regulated out of existence, put on trial and burned by the religious right-wing, and left out to pasture, like some abandoned junk car. In short, eternal life would scare the bezeesus out of the Social Security Administration. And then there are the people that have no clue where all the population would fit, if not in the ground or in crematoriums.

I have to admit that I don't hold much hope for this coming to pass in our current political climate. But it would be nice. Certainly if it does happen, it will be available only to the very wealthiest people for some time. And it may stop there due to political pressure.

Getting old is not fun. I first started noticing my age when WWII vets started conversing with me at the barber shop like I was one of them. But it's how I feel that reminds me every day could be my last. I repeatedly make promises to myself that I will start some small exercise regime, and I keep forgetting to carry out the plan. Forgetting has lately become a major aspect of my day to day existence. It brings to mind the later scenes in 2001: A Space Oddyssey where HAL 9000 is being disconnected and he's stating "I feel my mind going... Dave.... I can feel it..." Today, it has new meaning for me, that phrase, when I go into the kitchen to do something and when I arrive there, I forgot why I entered in the first place. The scary part is that whatever diminishing of mental ability I am aware of, it seems to be accelarating at a disconcerting rate.

Losing one's mental faculty has got to be one of the worst states of existance. I'm constantly on the lookout for vitamin supplements that will enhance brain function and also for treatments that slow the effects of age-specific brain degeneration. Hopefully Ray Kurzweil's nanobot technology will address brain issues and soon. Although it may already be too late for some of us....

[RAY THOMA$]

You're certainly right about "feeling 18" even at an advanced age (I'm 69). But I think one way to keep your mind working is to use it as often as you can. Which is why I do a regular column for Sierra Times (News Nuggets), publish my own THOMA$ REPORT, and publish my own pwersonal web site (raythomas101). Keeping those venues as full as possible, even for a man who has suffered a stroke (TIA), a quadruple bypass (2005) and is still fighting occluded circulation in my legs. I can't do much in the way of exercise, but I can exercisze my mind.

RAY THOMA$

[Danneskjold]

I'm 16, I feel 45. Why? Cause everyone else around my school is so utterly stupid. Aside from that? If there ever is a way found to make my body stop aging, I want them to find it when I'm 29. I see being trapped in a body that isn't fully able as some sort of natural Chinese water torture (if I could guarantee myself one way NOT to die it would be Lou Gehrig's Disease).

[Victor Pross]

I'm 16, I feel 45. Why? Cause everyone else around my school is so utterly stupid. Aside from that? If there ever is a way found to make my body stop aging, I want them to find it when I'm 29. I see being trapped in a body that isn't fully able as some sort of natural Chinese water torture (if I could guarantee myself one way NOT to die it would be Lou Gehrig's Disease).

Jeff,

Ah, youth…the too brief span wherein the human chassis is factory-fresh, untarnished and free of corrosion. Sweet youth--a pristine condition worshipped by menopausal women in sweat suits and shrinking men with chestnut-brown toupees. Those who possess youth are too shallow and stupid to appreciate it. Good luck on the non-aging thing.

-Victor

Edited January 22, 2007 by Victor Pross

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Ray,

Thanks for that comment. You sound like an inspiration.

Michael