Borderline Personality Disorder for Beginners

[Dennis Hardin]

One of the reasons I chose to study psychology was to understand the behavior of other people, and no lesson that I have learned in the course of that study equals the discovery of the phenomenon of borderline personality disorder.

I have strong reservations about a lot of the diagnoses found in the DSM—the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. But one particular diagnosis that has helped me time and again in the course of trying to understand people is that of BPD. The disorder involves a disturbance in the person’s sense of self related to unresolved childhood abandonment. It typically involves disassociation—a partial or complete disruption in the person’s psychological functioning. One of the most common symptoms of BPD is chaotic and unstable relationships caused by “splitting”—a defense mechanism in which the borderline alternates between episodes of idealizing and demonizing others. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that borderlines routinely enact when they are triggered by events and emotions that reconnect them to their original core wound of abandonment and the intra-psychic trauma associated with that abandonment.

It is because the borderline is re-experiencing his or her past abandonment crisis in the here and now that so much of their behavior is situationally inappropriate and seems to come at you from left field in a way that is utterly bewildering. But the borderline will inevitably revert to their primal defense mechanism of splitting each and every time they are triggered, most typically when someone tries to relate to the borderline in a remotely intimate way.

Borderlines in this dissociative re-enactment of their abandonment trauma treat you as if you are the person with whom they experienced the original trauma of abandonment. You no longer exist for them as a real person. You become a stand-in for the person who traumatized them in the past, making it impossible for you to break through to their conscious understanding of what is occurring. While you were once seen as “all-good” and could do nothing wrong, you suddenly become “all-bad” and can do nothing right.

And what invariably triggers the split—what transforms the non-BPD from “all-good” to “all-bad”—is any hint of real closeness or intimacy. The instant the borderline feels this is occurring, it is experienced as intolerable and the cycle of splitting begins once again.

Tragically, all the non-BPD person can do in the effort to protect their own sanity is to detach from the chaos and the drama. Unless and until the borderline commits to therapy in a serious way, nothing is going to change but the faces of the people whom they meet, attempt to idolize for a period of time and then discard like yesterday’s garbage. The splitting stage is inevitably very painful for the non-BPD, and it will often result in the end of the relationship. But if you recognize the signs of the disorder you are dealing with it, the experience will be much less bewildering.

[Robert Campbell]

Dennis,

I think the notion of borderline personality is useful, though as with most areas of psychopathology there is so much that we still don't know.

When I started doing some research on self-esteem I had to learn about some of the personality disorders, as the DSM calls them. I've learned more about narcissism and psychopathy (aka "antisocial" personality disorder) than about borderline, though experts usually consider them to be interrelated.

Most descriptions of borderline personality disorder are heavy on ideas out of "object relations," a post-Freudian school of thought. I have some difficulty with the notion of "splitting" taken literally, but the phenomena it's being posited to explain are plenty real.

The character that Glenn Close plays in Fatal Attraction has a borderline personality, as can be seen through all the layers of Hollywood hokum.

Robert

[Dennis Hardin]

Dennis,

I think the notion of borderline personality is useful, though as with most areas of psychopathology there is so much that we still don't know.

When I started doing some research on self-esteem I had to learn about some of the personality disorders, as the DSM calls them. I've learned more about narcissism and psychopathy (aka "antisocial" personality disorder) than about borderline, though experts usually consider them to be interrelated.

Most descriptions of borderline personality disorder are heavy on ideas out of "object relations," a post-Freudian school of thought. I have some difficulty with the notion of "splitting" taken literally, but the phenomena it's being posited to explain are plenty real.

The character that Glenn Close plays in Fatal Attraction has a borderline personality, as can be seen through all the layers of Hollywood hokum.

Robert

Robert,

Of course, as I’m sure you know, the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction is a sensationalized and extreme example of BPD. Most borderlines, thankfully, do not get homicidal. But the abandonment fears and emotional instability and impulsiveness are definitely common BPD attributes.

I think Object Relations theory provides a fairly accurate description of how BPD develops. As a theory of personality, it actually owes very little to Freud. Melanie Klein and others pretty much broke new ground here.

I recently experienced the "official” metamorphosis from Mr. Wonderful to Benedict Arnold—after doing absolutely nothing to warrant such a reassessment—so I wrote this as a little exercise in self-therapy. But it is definitely not the first time I have encountered the phenomenon, and I thought others who have been bewildered by such a sudden attitude reversal might find this useful. The non-BPD person will drive himself crazy trying to understand what the f*ck is going on if they don't grasp the underlying pathology.

[Robert Campbell]

Dennis,

You are quite right that the borderline pattern is grossly inconsistent with the way most people function, so those who have a run-in with a borderline personality usually have no idea what hit them.

The same is often true of narcissism and psychopathy/sociopathy.

Robert Campbell

PS. There's an interesting finding in the self-esteem literature that hasn't gotten much further exploration so far. If you interview 4-year-olds about their self-concepts (they're the youngest children who can give meaningful responses to these sorts of questions), they either describe themselves as all good or all bad. No in-betweens. If this is a universal stage, it's one that most of us soon outgrow.

[Dennis Hardin]

Dennis,

You are quite right that the borderline pattern is grossly inconsistent with the way most people function, so those who have a run-in with a borderline personality usually have no idea what hit them.

The same is often true of narcissism and psychopathy/sociopathy.

Robert Campbell

PS. There's an interesting finding in the self-esteem literature that hasn't gotten much further exploration so far. If you interview 4-year-olds about their self-concepts (they're the youngest children who can give meaningful responses to these sorts of questions), they either describe themselves as all good or all bad. No in-betweens. If this is a universal stage, it's one that most of us soon outgrow.

Robert,

Good point about the similarity with narcissism. I found this on a blog called "A Shrink for Men," so it may be somewhat biased, but the list provided is a good one--and could apply to either partner.

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it. Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health.

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells.”

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re wonderful one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally get fed up, the tears, bargaining and threats begin.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors.

[Robert Campbell]

Dennis,

That's a pretty good list.

The instability, constant changing of rules, offloading of blame, and unacknowledged dependency/need to control are characteristic of both narcissism and borderline personality.

Robert Campbell

[Dennis Hardin]

Dennis,

That's a pretty good list.

The instability, constant changing of rules, offloading of blame, and unacknowledged dependency/need to control are characteristic of both narcissism and borderline personality.

Robert Campbell

And here's one more thing to look for.

Another common sign of a borderline personality is “passive-aggressive” behavior—i.e., hostile behavior cloaked in superficial benevolence and politeness. The person talks as if they are the sweetest, most caring and understanding person imaginable, but her words are dripping with venom. For instance, a girlfriend sends you a nice message expressing caring and concern, but her real intent is to belittle you by telling you that she is not interested in you sexually (whether or not she actually has such interest).

How To Recognize Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderlines can be either outwardly and overtly aggressive in their behavior, both physically & verbally, or they can be very passive aggressive. Most Passive Aggressive Borderlines are verbally and emotionally abusive by trying to always make you feel like you're the "Big Bad Wolf" in their life, and that there defenseless "Little Red Riding Hood" who's always getting picked on in some way by you. When they are in a "rage", which can be a passive aggressive rage, they will also say things to you that are an attempt to diminish your character and your self-esteem as a person. During this time they see you as "Big" & themselves as "Small", these derogatory statements towards & about you are rooted in their insecurity and their need to make you feel "small", so that they can make themselves feel "big". They will even try to make you feel responsible for making them feel bad about you & themselves.

Sound like anybody we know?

[BaalChatzaf]

Sound like anybody we know?

Who did you have in mind?

Ba'al Chatzaf

[Brant Gaede]

Sound like anybody we know?

Who did you have in mind?

Ba'al Chatzaf

He has me in mind.

--Brant

[anonrobt]

Sound like anybody we know?

Who did you have in mind?

Ba'al Chatzaf

He has me in mind.

--Brant

How odd - thought it was Jonathan...

[Rich Engle]

I'm really busy so I have to make this short :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Oh I don't think he meant either of you OMG LMAO at the thought OMG OMG tee hee.

[anthony]

Sound like anybody we know?

Who did you have in mind?

Ba'al Chatzaf

He has me in mind.

--Brant

Narcissist!

[Dennis Hardin]

Sound like anybody we know?

Who did you have in mind?

Ba'al Chatzaf

He has me in mind.

--Brant

Narcissist!

"You're so vain. You prob'ly think this post is about you..."

[Rich Engle]

I still don't know if anyone knows for sure who she wrote that about. Maybe she copped to it in recent interviews. I've heard Mick Jagger. I've heard Warren Beatty. I've heard Phil Coates.

But as to the who on this I was thinking more like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnVE3UTIgEM

Edited September 22, 2010 by Rich Engle

[Brant Gaede]

Well, Dennis capped me.

I was amused by that song when it came out because someone had really recently flown his "(Lear?)jet up to Nova Scotia to see a total eclipse of the sun." That's where Carly got those lyrics from.

--Brant

[Dennis Hardin]

Well, Dennis capped me.

I was amused by that song when it came out because someone had really recently flown his "(Lear?)jet up to Nova Scotia to see a total eclipse of the sun." That's where Carly got those lyrics from.

--Brant

According to wikipedia, Simon has never acknowledged who the song is about. The candidates include: Beatty, Jagger, David Geffen, Kris Kristofferson, David Bowie, David Cassidy and Cat Stevens. Simon ruled out her ex-husband, James Taylor.

Apparently Simon has said that the person’s name includes the letters a, e and r. That would rule out everybody on the list but Jagger and Beatty.

Then wikipedia provides one more clue:

Two solar eclipses ("Then you flew your Learjet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun") were visible from Nova Scotia in the early 1970s. The first eclipse, on March 7, 1970 was visible in the USA, but the second one, on July 10, 1972, was not. Warren Beatty's mother was born and raised in Nova Scotia.

It was about Beatty.

[Barbara Branden]

Dennis, you wrote: :"It is because the borderline is re-experiencing his or her past abandonment crisis in the here and now that so much of their behavior is situationally inappropriate and seems to come at you from left field in a way that is utterly bewildering."

In The Passion of Ayn Rand, describing Rand's enraged denunciation of Nathaniel during their last meeting -- a denunciation, however great his transgressions against her, that was far removed from reality -- I wrote:

"She was no longer screaming, her voice was guttural, choked, and all at once her accent was startlingly heavy -- and it seemed for a moment that she no longer knew it was Nathaniel she was denouncing, she was in Russia, she was a girl again, she was damning those who had inflicted upon her a lifetime of rejection -- damning her mother who had required as the price of love that she be glamorous and social and pretty, damning her father who had never touched her hand in affection, damning her shoolmates whio had profited by her intelligence and excluded her from their lives and activities, damning all the men through all the years who had feared the power of her brain and so had been blind to the woman's body it inhabited - and damning Leo most of all, damning the man to whom she had offered her heart and her soul and who had been indfferent to them. Leo had been born again, more than fifty years later, when she had become everything she had wanted to become and achieved everything she had wanted to achieve - and once more he had done to her the unthinkabe, the unendurable, once more he had tried to destroy her life, once more she had offered him her heart and her soul and he had thrown them in her face."

Barbara

[Rich Engle]

Barbara:

I remember that, it always stuck in my head. It must've seemed so obvious to you. That part of things was so much of the sadness that came off to me when I was reading about it all--your work, NB's, just looking at the whole thing.

But of course, you are disgracing an icon and and idol, right? I do not believe that, of course. You are merely humanizing her and talking about a very sad thing. It must have triggered so much anger in her. And it seems to me that she had been able, for so long, to channel that rage into so many constructive purposes prior. But those things have to go somewhere--inside, out, or both, no?

And, doesn't it speak to those that insist on her being inviolate, perfect? Doesn't it say something about their own psychology?

I always thought of "perfection" as an ideal, a beacon. But I'm kind of Emersonian, kind of "everything God (oops) ever makes has a little crack in it." I don't see what is so wrong with flaws. Aren't they what keep us human? Isn't there a greater nobility in how we face tragedy?

That was such good writing. It was nice to read it, again.

rde

[Dennis Hardin]

Dennis, you wrote: :"It is because the borderline is re-experiencing his or her past abandonment crisis in the here and now that so much of their behavior is situationally inappropriate and seems to come at you from left field in a way that is utterly bewildering."

In The Passion of Ayn Rand, describing Rand's enraged denunciation of Nathaniel during their last meeting -- a denunciation, however great his transgressions against her, that was far removed from reality -- I wrote:

"She was no longer screaming, her voice was guttural, choked, and all at once her accent was startlingly heavy -- and it seemed for a moment that she no longer knew it was Nathaniel she was denouncing, she was in Russia, she was a girl again, she was damning those who had inflicted upon her a lifetime of rejection -- damning her mother who had required as the price of love that she be glamorous and social and pretty, damning her father who had never touched her hand in affection, damning her shoolmates who had profited by her intelligence and excluded her from their lives and activities, damning all the men through all the years who had feared the power of her brain and so had been blind to the woman's body it inhabited - and damning Leo most of all, damning the man to whom she had offered her heart and her soul and who had been indfferent to them. Leo had been born again, more than fifty years later, when she had become everything she had wanted to become and achieved everything she had wanted to achieve - and once more he had done to her the unthinkable, the unendurable, once more he had tried to destroy her life, once more she had offered him her heart and her soul and he had thrown them in her face."

Barbara

Barbara,

I love that beautifully worded excerpt and it certainly is germane. Your vivid description of Ayn Rand’s apparent mental state on that night is also extremely powerful. In The Ayn Rand Cult, Jeff Walker quotes Allan Blumenthal as having claimed that “Rand suffered from a veritable cluster of personality disorders: Paranoid, Borderline and Narcissistic.” (p. 266) Of course, Blumenthal was a member of her inner circle for a long time. Her behavior that night was certainly suggestive of borderline pathology; i.e., reacting to a current situation in a way that is totally disconnected from the reality of what has occurred, perceiving another’s misconduct as tantamount to monumental personal betrayal.

Needless to say, such behavior developed into a pattern in which she tended to interpret any opposition as personal betrayal. No doubt a good argument could be made in defense of Blumenthal’s alleged statement. She was certainly controlling, isolating and hypercritical. And of course her Jekyll and Hyde persona. She would be an atypical borderline, however, in view of her strongly developed sense of personal identity. And few borderline/narcissists become philosophical geniuses. She definitely had strong borderline tendencies, if nothing else.

[Rich Engle]

I was going to back off, but how could I resist the context . . .

It's deep into the "don't ask/don't tell" world.

Kudos to Dennis for his very astute psychological observations; you are a Man of Vision, and I mean that with all sincerity.

I'll leave it at that, for now . . .

Again, though, BB has always had those amazing writing skills. Someday, BB, I will just send you a fruit and wine basket. You are a Hell of of a wonderful woman. And not a bad writer, to boot!

rde

What's It All About, Angie I mean Alfie?

Edited September 23, 2010 by Rich Engle

[BAMF]

k

Edited September 29, 2010 by Kori

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Kori.

Great to see you.

Michael

[BAMF]

k

Edited September 29, 2010 by Kori

[Selene]

you can see me?! i always knew my paranoia was warranted

Kori:

"Paranoia is a healthy state of mind today" I forget which motivational businessman had that quote in a book I read, but it is quite accurate!

Adam

[BAMF]

k

Edited September 29, 2010 by Kori