Bizarre Wedding Gifts

[Rich Engle]

We've just now settled into marital bliss after the June 3rd wedding, and getting around to figuring out whether we are doing thank-you cards or not. Here are the highlights from the gifters. DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT REQUEST ANY OF THESE ITEMS (but am enjoying the bask and glow that only proud ownership provides). OK, here we go--top 4:

4. Female Flamingo wearing a hula skirt. Sorry for the bad shot, it was from inside the Cadillac, where we proudly mounted the thing. And yes, it does bobble.

3. Not in the Bob Villa catalog. A multitool for the discriminating home handyman and occasional barroom knife fighting enthusiast. Background: vintage '70's-era student desk, a true survivor that was lifted out of some high school down here that was clearly engaged in racial mainstreaming. I use it for when my guitar students' parents have to bring the younger siblings over during lessons--I give them coloring books and crayons. They love it, and I only hope none of them are bilingual--the stuff written in English is bad enough.

2. Yes, they sell these down here. Note the aesthetically-perfect blending of primary elements--the Rasta guy smoking a blunt, sitting on top of a hollowed-out watermelon, with a pot leaf inside. I have named him "Leon."

The background is a collection of vintage Rip Off Press comics (San Francisco, back in the day--Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, Adventures of Fat Freddy's Cat--I did not include these as a gift because they are here on long term loan, for display purposes). You can't see the little brass plate in the front, which says "Florida." As if someone were proud of that fact.

Fine treasures as these all are, it is my pleasure to present the True Flagship. This was acquired by one of the members of the wedding party while heading down from Syracuse. It was located in S. Canaan, PA (which I never figured to be a hotbed of racism). This is an actual concrete model, and has been retrofitted with a solar lantern. Remember--historical significance! George Washington's trusty man-servant holding the lantern whilst he crossed the river, right? I have named him Roscoe. I got full approval from the one black guy that lives in my park. Behold the fury:

Last but by far not least, I award SPECIAL PRIZE OF SHOW to a gift given by my music director over at the UU church, Chuck Grinnell. This was beyond categorization, and must sit alone:

Now, I know liquor and liqueur pretty well, but somehow this one escaped me. Research reveals that the origins of it can be traced back to at least 1740 (although it does predate that research), and it was held in great favor by the Carthusian Monks. It is fragrant, and, above all, powerful. At first, in the fracas, I thought it was a nice bottle of wine, and poured Chuck and I each hefty glasses, at which point he laughed. I found out quickly that this hootch is not to be messed with, and, is also a very pleasant experience, beyond even other good liquers, cognacs, etc. It will make you see God, if you are not careful with it. I ended up polishing off the bottle with a hippy friend of mine, a man who was mentally equipped to fully appreciate the finer points of such a thing. Hats off, Chuck: Best of Show!

Edited June 19, 2010 by Rich Engle