How to keep a positive outlook

[kira.newman]

Hello everyone,

This is a somewhat personal question but I think it can be relevant to many other situations:

I recently ended a relationship and I find myself in a negative family environment, where my family members are all struggling with their own problems. I'm looking for advice on how to remain positive and remember that life is full of possibilities for achievement and joy, when all I see and feel is so negative.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to exploring this site more in the future.

Kira

[George H. Smith]

Hello everyone,

This is a somewhat personal question but I think it can be relevant to many other situations:

I recently ended a relationship and I find myself in a negative family environment, where my family members are all struggling with their own problems. I'm looking for advice on how to remain positive and remember that life is full of possibilities for achievement and joy, when all I see and feel is so negative.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to exploring this site more in the future.

Kira

It wasn't that long ago that I found myself in a similar situation, except mine involved my in-laws instead of my own family. My large extended family here in Bloomington -- fundamentalist Christians, one and all -- treated me like a leper on every social occasion. The situation got so bad that I finally distanced myself from them as much as possible, while remaining civil on those occasions where it was impossible to stay away from them completely.

I realize that my situation differed from yours, but the essentials may be similar. I don't know the details of your situation, but if your family members are not receptive to resolving the problem, such as by not burdening you with their problems, then I don't see any alternative except for you to stay away from them as much as possible, at least until the situation improves.

Ghs

[kira.newman]

It wasn't that long ago that I found myself in a similar situation, except mine involved my in-laws instead of my own family. My large extended family here in Bloomington -- fundamentalist Christians, one and all -- treated me like a leper on every social occasion. The situation got so bad that I finally distanced myself from them as much as possible, while remaining civil on those occasions where it was impossible to stay away from them completely.

I realize that my situation differed from yours, but the essentials may be similar. I don't know the details of your situation, but if your family members are not receptive to resolving the problem, such as by not burdening you with their problems, then I don't see any alternative except for you to stay away from them as much as possible, at least until the situation improves.

Ghs

Thank you for the suggestion. My family members are trying with various degrees of effort to improve the situation, so I don't see distancing as the best alternative. I will be leaving home in about 3 weeks, so I suppose I'm looking for suggestions about how to mentally approach the situation.

[PDS]

Hello everyone,

This is a somewhat personal question but I think it can be relevant to many other situations:

I recently ended a relationship and I find myself in a negative family environment, where my family members are all struggling with their own problems. I'm looking for advice on how to remain positive and remember that life is full of possibilities for achievement and joy, when all I see and feel is so negative.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to exploring this site more in the future.

Kira

It wasn't that long ago that I found myself in a similar situation, except mine involved my in-laws instead of my own family. My large extended family here in Bloomington -- fundamentalist Christians, one and all -- treated me like a leper on every social occasion. The situation got so bad that I finally distanced myself from them as much as possible, while remaining civil on those occasions where it was impossible to stay away from them completely.

I realize that my situation differed from yours, but the essentials may be similar. I don't know the details of your situation, but if your family members are not receptive to resolving the problem, such as by not burdening you with their problems, then I don't see any alternative except for you to stay away from them as much as possible, at least until the situation improves.

Ghs

[PDS]

Oops. [still getting used to how things work around here].

Ghs: having read A:TCAG way back in 1984 or so, I can't imagine why your fundamentalist Christian family members shunned you.

[BaalChatzaf]

Hello everyone,

This is a somewhat personal question but I think it can be relevant to many other situations:

I recently ended a relationship and I find myself in a negative family environment, where my family members are all struggling with their own problems. I'm looking for advice on how to remain positive and remember that life is full of possibilities for achievement and joy, when all I see and feel is so negative.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to exploring this site more in the future.

Kira

If you do not expect too much, you will never be disappointed. My coping strategy is low expectation. I expect little from others. I expect a lot from myself. If I expect little from others and get little it is no more than I predicted. If I get more it is a surprise bonus. It is a no-lose strategy. My "trick" is to exercise no-lose strategies. If I win sometimes, it is pure gravy.

Ba'al Chatzaf

[dan2100]

It wasn't that long ago that I found myself in a similar situation, except mine involved my in-laws instead of my own family. My large extended family here in Bloomington -- fundamentalist Christians, one and all -- treated me like a leper on every social occasion. The situation got so bad that I finally distanced myself from them as much as possible, while remaining civil on those occasions where it was impossible to stay away from them completely.

I realize that my situation differed from yours, but the essentials may be similar. I don't know the details of your situation, but if your family members are not receptive to resolving the problem, such as by not burdening you with their problems, then I don't see any alternative except for you to stay away from them as much as possible, at least until the situation improves.

Ghs

Thank you for the suggestion. My family members are trying with various degrees of effort to improve the situation, so I don't see distancing as the best alternative. I will be leaving home in about 3 weeks, so I suppose I'm looking for suggestions about how to mentally approach the situation.

You might also look into the folks at http://freedomainradio.com/ Many of them have dealt with these kinds of issues -- especially, getting out of bad family situations.

[9thdoctor]

I will be leaving home in about 3 weeks, so I suppose I'm looking for suggestions about how to mentally approach the situation.

3 weeks is an awfully short time to implement any suggested course of action. You might try looking into Nathaniel Branden’s sentence completion exercises, or you could try one of the neuro-linguistic programming authors like Tony Robbins. But taking a walk and/or going to the gym may be what’s needed to make you feel better right now. NB’s Breaking Free had a lot of material about family relationships as I recall.

So, were you named after a Rand character? Or did you change to it on your own?

[Rich Engle]

Kira,

For one, I agree whole-heartedly with the esteemed 9th Dr., in that looking at Nathaniel Branden's work might help, and quickly. Even, if you can't get to the books, he is right: sentence completions work. This stuff works, period, plus it will give you something to do--a disciplined practice. I would take it a step more, even--go to www.nathanielbranden.com and peruse his work--he offers many of his pieces there that might be most helpful. Nathaniel's the man on this kind of stuff.

Fundamentalist Xstians are tough. Rigid. What you don't want to do is let the emotional intensity take you over. It is hard. Basically, you are dealing with a very powerful kind of ignorance, intolerance.

This is thin, I don't know how far in the sticks you are, but there is one thing you could do, and it will help. Find a Unitarian Universalist church. Contact their minister via email, phone, whatever the eff you can do. Tell him/her directly what the trouble you are experiencing is. Establish a dialogue. They are well-trained, and you won't find them odd or invasive. Intellectuals. It will give you hope, I can virtually guarantee it.

Meanwhile, keep the campfire burning.

Best,

rde

Edited May 14, 2010 by Rich Engle

[kira.newman]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions.

Just to clarify: my family members aren't Christians, or intolerant. They're just experiencing their own emotional problems, which puts me in a generally negative environment.

I'll definitely look into Branden's writings; I'm reading through The Art of Living Consciously right now.

And I was named after Kira from We The Living; my dad's an Objectivist.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Kira N

[Rich Engle]

The Art of Living Consciously is in a lot of ways the peak of NB's work.

Use the other ones suggested, they are more specific. But you can't go wrong with that one.

Best,

rde

[Brant Gaede]

Hello everyone,

This is a somewhat personal question but I think it can be relevant to many other situations:

I recently ended a relationship and I find myself in a negative family environment, where my family members are all struggling with their own problems. I'm looking for advice on how to remain positive and remember that life is full of possibilities for achievement and joy, when all I see and feel is so negative.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to exploring this site more in the future.

Kira

My principle is not to engage in negative thinking except with the conscious expectation of a positive result. This avoids victimhood. Simple; not easy.

--Brant