My boyfriends

[John Tate]

OL,

I've noticed in this late phase of growing up that I might not even be gay. I can't even work it out - but I always know when I was a boy a man altruistically shared his penis with me on a constant basis. He got sent to jail, I got on with my life, but whenever something happened at school that I got blamed for and my mother didn't like she told the school I was sexually abused - for a concession. Consequently, I'd get bothered again and again about it. The things that got me in trouble were trying to work out how to get girls to do the things I did as a boy to work out. Of course, by high school when this starts happening, when I can ejaculate and start a reward process, I make mistakes with girls I am forced not to learn from in some blind attempt to make sure I don't put myself in a position of No Girlfriend. The contact with the girls is never really physical at that stage unless I make a grave error. These memories are from when I was about thirteen.

To a point, I did well in school, but good grades came of avoiding psychologists for giving me a label and not just a socialist school system. Actually, I've had this armchair plan for too long that would 'stop it all' that suffers from a huge commie calculation problem. I didn't even see that, because I never saw the issue with altruism and trying to give people a dick to altruistically suck - or to altruistically suck theirs. Thus, I've become devoid of signal awareness, nobody told me there were signals and what you get is a man like me that lines up for permission. Nobody likes that and I suddenly see why, and use signals for everything else.

I used to be able to get boyfriends because I was a junior geek on the Internet, and I'd find myself sucking up to them for a little training with electronics I can't buy and tools and I can't quite use - all pointless really - and I get raised into a pointless Greek Apprenticeship. What ends up happening with sexual abuse is it seems to manipulate a persons normal sexual preferences. Girls end up afraid of me, because I couldn't send a romantic signal but an alarm regarding a cock they've never seen. No psycholigist they sent me too could work that out. It is always the pragmatic advise that I need to avoid girls, and eventually a Freudian determinist says I am gay but repress it.

I need to stop being a terrible person to other young girls around me, but there are not girls around me anymore. I can't seem to find the girl I want - because she is an engineer. The one love I had with a girl, she was into science, and all kinds of things. We were both young though and the relationship ultimately failed because I misunderstood the entire problem I had and decided I was gay. She wasn't the only girl, just the only one that really wanted me to make physical contact with her, the one with clear signals. However I never wanted her to just sit in University because I like build things and she likes to discover, and slowly writing this I find myself unwinding a mess of my own pragmatism - when what I really loved about that girl was her principles. That there were some, that someone knew I had a problem with signals and helped. I don't know if she respected this, because I couldn't rescue her from the pragmatism that killed our love as teens. I learned a lesson from this.

I didn't know Atlas Shrugged then, and I didn't need it to understand that I am not John Galt. When it came along I was convinced I am gay because I treated Janey pragmatically, and really what comes down to it is altruism. I ended up going back to men to find an occupation that wasn't retarded in a backward nation, and when I found Ayn Rand I slowly shifted my preferences to a man that doesn't exist - only in a novel - that defined itself subjectively through a pragmatic shortcut. I read the essay ages ago, and I know the correct words are that I am not Dagny Taggart. Except it seems improper to equate her to something with a penis, which makes me pretty Objective, but rather ungay.

I have to focus on finding value again, but as they say, there are so many fish in the sea. However it has been with a lot of pondering I think I've truly worked out my sexuality. What I've done is blinded myself to the gender that can work with me. I am never happy with a man, because I end up sucking dick for classes in a Greek apprenticeship. Bacchus can die, I am going to worship Apollo. It truly is like growing up in Apollo vs Dionysus - more than anything people who need to find principles the most with no help cannot and this cultural bankruptcy has left me feeling constantly defeated by my own errors trying to repeat others efforts - unable to find my own.

The question now really is, how do I truly find self-esteem Objectively? I feel like poor programming like I used to but constantly find myself completely disgusted that all kinds of people treat me as if I am predetermined. It has made me rude lately at all the wrong people also, sorry about that. I keep making the mistake of seeing it myself. I can't anymore, what I've seen and failed to admit is that I am not gay and instead sacrificed my dignity over an error of identity.

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

John,

You have a lot to work through. You are trying even though it is obviously painful, and that is such a good thing that I am rooting for you even without knowing much about you.

I have no idea what to tell you about all this except to keep groping. I want to say try therapy, but I don't know your history or biases on that and I don't want to sound patronizing.

You have a good mind. I sense you are a good person. This alone should carry you safely through the harsh journey from hurt and doubt to serenity.

However you turn out to yourself, I do wish you well.

Michael

[John Tate]

Yeah, the biggest problem is finding a way out of the nanny state and medicating myself into plato's fucking cave. I want to go to University, and I'd get in easily, but my parents simply would never get me student accommodation. I rent a house from my dad which just looks shithouse on a rental application. Most parents want their kids to move to where they can find some opportunity, my dad just constantly gets in my way to 'protect' me from it. I'm in a maze of a nanny state finding unable to get a life.