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A woman was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By then she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math.  His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.

As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school.  "Those nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.

After school on the very first day David ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books & papers spread out all over his room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, & hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.

This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table, and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.  David had gotten an A in math!

She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns? "No!", said David.  "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Sheri comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Sheri's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama,he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Sheri, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Sheri says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

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  • 1 month later...

Well, I don't know about all this other stuff, but I do know that generally, the biggest source of anxiety for many Baptists and other Fundamentalist types is how to handle themselves if they run into other Baptists when they are at the liquor store.

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Yes, and I have it on good authority that the reason that Baptists don't make love standing up is that they are afraid someone might see them and think they were dancing! :-)


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