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O.K. here is my first attempt at Haiku:

ready?

The plopping of shit (five syllables)

Pee bub-bel-ling cheerfully (seven syllables)

The toilet flushed (five syllables)

Nature has been invoked.

So it is a Haiku.

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Ba'al, your poem should be posted on the bulletin board of the Old Folks Nursing Home. Perhaps you could add a second stanza about taking pills with apple sauce, vomiting, watching Television with the volume turned way up, and being oh so lonely when no one visits.

This may not be Haiku but when I was sixteen I wrote:

Alone but never lonely.

Surrounded but never lost.

Here – yet able to see- there.

Wishing things to be.

And living to make them so.

Life is this, I know.

Peter

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Opinion: Essential Elements of Haiku By pottygok on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 08:59 pm

I thought this list might help others improve their craft. These are the essential elements of haiku as advocated by The Heron's Nest (from editor Ferris Gilli):

  • Concrete imagery

    Focus

    Conciseness (clarity, brevity)

    Effective juxtaposition

    Resonance

    Immediacy

    Natural syntax

    Common language

    Balance of humanity and nature

    Sense of mood

    Sense of season; kigo

    A clear caesura between the two parts of the haiku

    (A poem that consists of only a single, complete sentence usually fails as haiku.)

Every successful haiku poet keeps a mental list of things that should not be part of a haiku. This is my list of things to avoid:

  • Poetics

    Personification

    Anthropomorphism

    Simile

    Direct metaphor

    Philosophical statements

    Abstractions

    The writer's interpretation of something

    The writer's explanation of something

    The writer's argumentation of something

    The writer's rationale of something

    Cause and effect:

    The cause of something in the haiku

    The effect of something in the haiku

    The writer's description of his or her emotions

    The writer's naming his or her emotions or naming anyone or anything else's emotions

    The writer's description of someone's psyche, soul, thoughts, aura, or any other abstract or philosophical thing

    The writer's opinion of something in the haiku

    The writer trying to "teach" the reader something

Here is a list of questions that you could ask yourself about each of your haiku before you consider it finished:

  1. Am I telling instead of showing my moment?
  2. Am I presenting abstract ideas instead of concrete images?
  3. Is this haiku so crowded with images that it could be distracting or confusing for readers?
  4. Is this a "snapshot" haiku?
  5. Does this haiku contain a dangling participle?
  6. Does the action I describe take more than a moment to observe?
  7. Is this verse an example of cause and effect?
  8. Is this an uncut poem?
  9. Is this verse written as a complete sentence, with no break between setting and main action?
  10. Have I left out articles or modifiers that are needed for clarity and smooth flow?
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Ba'al, your poem should be posted on the bulletin board of the Old Folks Nursing Home. Perhaps you could add a second stanza about taking pills with apple sauce, vomiting, watching Television with the volume turned way up, and being oh so lonely when no one visits.

This may not be Haiku but when I was sixteen I wrote:

Alone but never lonely.

Surrounded but never lost.

Here – yet able to see- there.

Wishing things to be.

And living to make them so.

Life is this, I know.

Peter

I really like that, Peter.

It has meaning.

Greg

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... my first attempt at Haiku:

The plopping of shit

Pee bub-bel-ling cheerfully

The toilet flushed

Bob,

Just awful.

No verb.

Present tense.

Past tense.

I can live with the no-verb line, but adding past tense to a haiku?

Dayaamm!

That's offensive.

This haiku might eventually work if you polish it some.

Polish, polish, polish...

:)

Michael

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No, Bob, do not polish. (six syllables , try again)l

Let the past remain in Uck

And join the stars.

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