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Doug, I understand your position here, but I do not date goons or even pretend date them as you ought to know when you tried to fix me up with your cousin from the |Hamilton Bulldogs.

Maybe you could get him to step up.

M.

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Gord,

That is the second time that Doug has said I am a jersey chaser, just because |I would not go out with his jerk cousin, and if he says it again I will have to say he is a sexist pig and not a true Leaf fan, and should not be working with us and will you back me up?

Your bud

Michelle

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Miche, please! I know you and Doug have had issues ever since Staff Appreciation Nite, and I know it was not you lap dancing Randy Carlyle, but you do kind of resemble Joff Lupul and I am not the only one who made that mistake.

We have to work together for individual liberty now and forget this personal stuff.

Gord

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Dear Emile,

«

I am a defenceman with a burning passion to succeed and I can also read and write pretty good. So Im enrolled at Victoria College which is mostly chicks WOO-HOO and coach says I am pretty sure to make the team but I am failing bad in Required Subject which is too hard for me and no use to a hockey player anyway, Philosophy-- who needs it eh.

So I can take an English and my friend said there is a bird course where you just listen to this guy talk about guy stuff and it actually toughens you up because by the end of the course you can read about eating gross female stuff (honest don't mean to be crude but that's what my friend said) but you have to read some books and one of them is by a gay guy, not that I am prejudiced but what if I cant relate to it and fail like I am failing at philosophy. Also this guy Professir Dave Dingdong is an author and if you don't read his books you don't get a good mark even though they are not on the course. And I don't know how long they are, the course is Short Fiction.

I need to pass or I will never chase my hockey dream plus all the hot chicks around here woo-HOO!

What is best for my future career, I need to know.

Torn in Toronto

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Dear Torn,

You are obviously intelligent, for a d-man, so you will understand that education is a priceless passport to a greater world than you will encounter at the average rink. Some of my happiest hours were spent at Moose Jaw Technical night school exchanging ideas on intellectual subjects related to Advanced Auto Repair. I did not actually pursue a career in AR although my uncle offered me a good job at his garage - I followed my heart to Equipment Management for the Manitoba Moose- but my MJT experience has enriched my life, especially in the winter when people`s cars won`t start.

So take that class. My wife has read some of that guy`s books, and she says just sit there and take notes and don`t talk, he will only want to talk to the girls and might resent a younger guy butting in. Get your friend to help you read the gay book if it is too hard. And if you have to read one of his own books don`t buy it, just get it out of the library and pretend like you read it years ago and took the class because you are his fan. CHECK THE PUBLICATION DATE so you will sound convincing.

Good luck,

Emile

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Miche ,

Its all cool now! We told him that this is a serious political event and there will not be time for socializing, even though he said it would only be five minutes, and so we will just Truck for Freedom on a sort of float like a truck that Doug and I are building and we will be on top of it and you can be Lady Liberty.

No Obama is not American, John says he is from some African country and not real at all, so remember that when we are protesting!

Can you come over and do some housework before he gets here? We are assembling the float in the livingroom,

See you at work,

Gord

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Gord,

I just saw that the American truckers are going to break the law down there on the Protest! How is wanting cheap gas unlawful, no wonder they are all so mad. Do we have to break the law too? I think the Wings are in town that weekend and my cousins have got tickets, I cant miss my shift!

Doug

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Geez Dougie, don't you ever check the schedule, it is the Oilers and we will be protesting on Friday. This is Canada you cant break the law Protesting, but you can make the cops mad so we will have to be extra Polite.

Great job on the float! Sent JS a pic.

G.

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:Dear Emile,

I am desperate and don't know where to turn,actually I don't dare to turn at all for fear turning will aggravate my latest Freak Injury. The team is calling it Lower Body, I managed to damage my left Achilles' tendon with the toe of my right skate, the medics say it is nearly an anatomical impossibility, but what do they know.

I have tried everything to stay un injured and healthy. I gave up partying and I help out old people in the neighbourhood and I watch out for cracks in the pavement, but I get back on the ice and into a points streak it happens again. I slip on a piece of gum even though gum is ,sticky, and fracture an elbow. I grip cutlery and it splinters in my hand...and I'm talking plastic cutlery. Both hands!

Why, why? I try to do everything right and everything goes wrong ! Am I cursed?

Bitterly,

"Glassman"

J.L.

Toronto

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Why, why? I try to do everything right and everything goes wrong ! Am I cursed?

OK Emile, Carol, or, Daunce:

We received an emergency communication from the NSA as to how you were able to access President Barack Hussein O'bama's opening line to his 2015 State of the Union address.

Please disclose it as you really do not want to meet these people.

A...

Code 2848-2

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Adam , I mean Brother Embedded, how many times have I told you never to call me here? Old Emile is compromised enough. sleeper agents are supposed to SLEEP , not blabber. Geez!

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:Dear Emile,

I am desperate and don't know where to turn,actually I don't dare to turn at all for fear turning will aggravate my latest Freak Injury. The team is calling it Lower Body, I managed to damage my left Achilles' tendon with the toe of my right skate, the medics say it is nearly an anatomical impossibility, but what do they know.

I have tried everything to stay un injured and healthy. I gave up partying and I help out old people in the neighbourhood and I watch out for cracks in the pavement, but I get back on the ice and into a points streak it happens again. I slip on a piece of gum even though gum is ,sticky, and fracture an elbow. I grip cutlery and it splinters in my hand...and I'm talking plastic cutlery. Both hands!

Why, why? I try to do everything right and everything goes wrong ! Am I cursed?

Bitterly,

"Glassman"

J.L.

Toronto

Dear Cursed,

Yes, you are.

Emile

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Jesus, Emile! What kind of advice columnist are you? You are supposed to be freakin sympathetic and supportive! Now half my team thinks there is a curse and it's spreading and we lost again and now I might lose my j.....

R.C.

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Dear Emile,

You seem to be the only conduit to the Hockey Gods, so could you ask them why they have cursed us? I am 113 and cannot go peacefully to m ylong rest unless I know!

Resignedly,

Toronto

Dear Toronto,

The gods have now exactly cursed you, they just don't like you very much, and they admonish you to remember that even in the GTA there are reasons to live:

1. There are still two Canadian teams going to second round of the playoffs. You can cheer without fear of fatal heartbreak.

2. You can imagine the chagrin of your good friend Adam whose Rangers have to play Washington, home of that Commie president whose star player is that Commie Russian. And worse if the Caps advance he will have to see his favourite president pretending to appreciate hockey. Tee-hee, right? End of the third period game tied, and ol' Barack is checking his phone. Urgent state business? Nah, the basketball scores.

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2. You can imagine the chagrin of your good friend Adam whose Rangers have to play Washington, home of that Commie president whose star player is that Commie Russian. And worse if the Caps advance he will have to see his favourite president pretending to appreciate hockey. Tee-hee, right? End of the third period game tied, and ol' Barack is checking his phone. Urgent state business? Nah, the basketball scores.

I expect a printed retraction.

He is not a Commie, just a marxist which is bad enough.

Second, the Commie player has clearly become a good little capitalist and getting paid for his value, unlike the marxist President.

Finally, the actual reason that he half-roots for Washington is that they have a Hockey team that matches his color scheme.

345px-Joel_Ward_2013-03-19.JPG

A...

List of all the black hockey players and their teams [Glinda made me do this]

450px-Good_Witch_of_the_North.png

Wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_National_Hockey_League_players_of_black_African_descent

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Dear Emily:

Clearly the Rangers have been bought off by the Marxist President and proved it by losing on their own ice with 1 second remaining?

Please.

Clearly the corporatists had their way.

Secondly, tell Toronto that her prospects are improving since the 1% is moving to Toronto, so you can buy the next Stanley Cup.

Additionally, since Toronto is always looking for a billionaire to hook the news is even better!

The Canadian city, well known for its economic stability, experienced a 37pc increase in the sale of luxury penthouses, apartments and houses in the 12 months to the end of December, after just a 4pc rise in the previous year, outstripping San Francisco, Sydney and Miami, according to a report from Christie’s international real estate group.

christies-toronto_3285915b.jpg

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/property/international/11572613/Snow-storms-and-ice-hockey-Billionaires-flock-to-the-worlds-new-luxury-homes-hotspot.html

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Dear Emile,

I have this problem as a fan and now the playoffs are on , it could get out of hand.  It is with gloating.  I mean, I enjoy gloating over the Leaf wins as much as the next fan, and jeering "take that" at the TV and heaping indescriblable abuse on the Bruins,  especially that ferret-faced disgrace to all hockey decencies, Brad Marchand, and that mutant form of plant life on skates Chara.  I hate the entire crew and am happy to see them tromp off the ice all dejected and furious after a loss.  Even though there has been only one so far.

But here's the thing. If we turn around and win the 1st round (which I admit doesn't seem highly likely at this point), I know I won't enjoy watching the Bruin's devastation and heartbreak.  I just can't take any real pleasure in real misery, even that of a Bruin.  Well, except Brad Marchand's, maybe.

Does this means I am not a real fan, and that my bad attitude is jinxing my beloved Buds? This is what my son says and I'm afraid he might be right.  What can I do? Please answer before Saturday puck drop, I am desperate.

 

Schadenfreude-challenged in Toronto.

 

 

 

Dear Schad,

Your son is right, you are not a real fan, you are the last thing your team needs.  Just go away somewhere  and try to become a sincere Bruins fan if you can, but I  doubt you could succeed ,and pray that Mike Babcock doesn't hear about you.

People like you take the fanatic right out of fan!

Indignantly, Emile

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Skaters look like people on their tippy toes, but I guess people in the great white north, have to have a way to get around on foot. I tried to watch a hockey game once, but after the second fight I gave up on it. I was at a friends house once and the people were watching a hockey game from years ago. Weird.     

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Try a game again -- fighting has gone way down, but your friends must have belonged to the hard line conservatives, in the most conservative game in professional sports. This playoff season is a great intro to the game because of wonderful stories -- the unthought-of, unheard-of, miracle year of an expansion team full of the other team's rejects, going to the playoffs in the first year of its existence -

the utterly deserved and nationwide joyful triumph of Winterpeg  to enter round 2-- condolences to Jonathan however, if he had accompanied his nephew to the final game wherever it was watched, he would likely to have been reduced to throwing DVDs of the Atlas movie at the ice or screen. Johnny Hockey, a true 21st successor to Mr Hockey, even if he is American.Big Buff, unpronounceable and unputdownable. Patrick Laine, who considers himself better than any other player and just might be right

And, you know, Auston Matthews.  Patrick Marleau. Marner. Nylander, and my personal fave Nazem Kadri, fighting for their lives tonight.

Let us pray.

 

How I miss Adam during Stanley Cup! He really knew his hockey.  He seems to have suddenly just stopped posting-- I am sure he would not leave off without a goodbye - but I hate to think he might have died, or become disabled.  I hope he is just in jail, or something.

 

 

 

 

 

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"Hockey Night in Canada Punjabi!"

2 hours ago, Peter said:

 I tried to watch a hockey game once, but after the second fight I gave up on it. 

 

 

Edited by william.scherk

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O My Hockey Gods, I love to watch the Punjabi broadcast.  I have various strategies for not jinxing the Leafs and that is a favourite one.  Also it is so interesting to hear how English has corrupted Punjabi (and other Hindi dialects) forever!

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Emily is like Emeril and email, except different. Harry Potter was essentially playing hockey, not lacrosse, on a broomstick.

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Mr. Peter Semper Cogitans etc.

Dear Sir, 

I am most certainly not like Emily and though I cook a mean poutine, would not call myself a chef.

I was named after one of the greatest goalies and hockey   business brains ever :  Emile (the Cat) Francis.

Proudly,  

Emile

 

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Dear Emile,

I just read on this totally trusted website that Putin, this Russian front office type used to chase rats with sticks. Wow! I knew he was a hockey fan and kind of a beer league player, but I never knew he was good enough to get a tryout with the NHL - only the Florida Panthers, but still.

what's the lowdown?

 

Intrigued,

Caps fan, Washington. DC

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