caroljane

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BY HAND - CONFIDENTIAL

Vinny, buddy, don't give up! Emile has pulled G-strings to get this delivered to you. A lot of us know it isn't really you out there and believe me you will not be forgotten until the end of the season or after the playoffs depending on how the Lightning do with that fake wearing your jersey.

You are not alone. I too am imprisoned here by cruel captors who mock me. I have tried to escape but everytime I get into the hockey bag of a visiting team somebody hauls me out again just as I am being thrown on the bus. They say I will be free this summer but I don't believe them, this summer will never come.

If you have a firm date for going to the Rollerama maybe we can arrange an exchange....you can trust Tracee who is delivering this, she is an old friend I have met many times on the road who is coming to work at Als Topless...Dont give up, wherever you are you are not at the bottom of the league!

I will pass the word your Maman and Uncle Raoul I have been in contact when we go to beat Montreal when they are down, they are not on our schedule but everybody is taking a turn.

Keep the faith,

Rick N.

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Dear Emile,

I just saw that two hockey players are fighting over the nickname, "Little Ball of Hate", but they both stole it! From my boyfriend, that has been his nickname and his sole property since he became an Orthodox Objectivist over twenty years ago.

I do not know much about hockey, but as opponents of the collectivist "team" concept, LBH and I would gladly pay you fair value for information about whom our lawyer should contact about this looting infringement of our his intellectual property rights.

Yours in liberty,

Lovestohate

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Dear LTH,

Well, I could hook you up with Brad's agent, he's a great guy, used to play right wing with me in the QJMHL for the Ice Dogs. And if you've had your religious sensibilities insulted, you could contact the NHL legal department.

Nickname branding is an exciting new avenue for entrepreneurs according to my son "Cauliflowerhead"Gatien who works in PR for the Canadiens. If Don Cherry hears about it you might get some media attention.

Hope this helps.

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Dear Emile,

I am Russian guy with a Canadian team and I have embarrassing problem. Food here does not agree with me. For one year I am upset in lower regions. Then coach tells me to play with more fire in my belly, and I get heartburn. Doctors don't find anything wrong. What can I do?

Miserable in Toronto.

Dear Misha,

I would advise you to stop accepting lunch invitations from the third and fourth liners. Maybe it's their borscht that doesn't agree with you.

Good luck,

Emile

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Dear Emile, thank you for reply, the equipment guy passed under the bathroom door to me.

I will try your advice, I did think Leo's Estonian blinis tasted funny but he told me it was his grandmother's recipe.

Our team captain has invited us to his house for Alberta poutine. Even if I don't like it I will not mind, I will just look at his fiancee and make merry talk to raise spirits.

M.G.

feel better already

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Dear Emile,

The poutine was not bad and my stomach is OK but I have other etiquette question now. What is oagull? Is it some kind of bird or bad thing? I am afraid Captain did not like my merry talk with Miss Cuthbert but it is hard to tell, his face always frozen like Siberian river and he talks like robot. He said I better score goal soon or I be on bus to Oklahoma with Marlies. Maybe joke but I made nervous. I did score goal but nobody else did . All team sad and I do not feel like eating anything.

Leo says I should contact Sean Avery for advices, he has lots of time now for talk, but I think I trust you better.

Your friend

M>G>

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Dear Emile,

More troubles! Wife learns that dinner was not extra night practice like I said. I tell her it was innocent merry talk all truth and she tell me I am stupid lunk. I am hurt in my feelings. If she want smart why marry hockey player?

How she find out? I start to think Leo is sneaky Finn.

M.

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Emile!! Now somebody say that somebody say on internet I am paranoid! So coach does not like me, that is not paranoid just true! I tell him I no need to sit on end of bench so much now to be near washroom exit and he say he does not like to take chances on me!

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Mike,

Get hold of yourself, buddy. Just because "somebody says" something on the internet does not mean anything. Just because "somebody" is all postmodern and self-referential does not mean anything. There is no meaning and it's all relative.

Watch out for that security guy on the left of the dressing room, all the same.

I'm here for you,

Emile

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Dear Emile,

I am in a hostage situation similar to Vinny and Rick, and it gives me hope to see they have been freed, though I would not call "Philadephia Freedom" haha. But I am getting weaker and losing hope. If I went on a hunger strike, do you think it would rouse sympathy among the public? Or would the Muslim fans be offended for an Italian to fast during Ramadan?

R.L.

Vancouver

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Dear Emile,

This is a great big MERCI! I wrote to you two years ago and your advice was brilliant. I did encourage my bf to join the Objectivist club and it broadened his horizons and he even won some debates and one fistfight about Tim Thomas (Objectivist or Jerk? - it started out as a debate..)

Long story short, we had a beautiful wedding at centre ice and soon welcomed our firstborn, Sergei |Babrovsky Higgins.

She is the apple of her daddy's eye.

Before, I was at Wits End but now I am proudly

Contented in Columbus

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Dear Emile,

This is a great big MERCI! I wrote to you two years ago and your advice was brilliant. I did encourage my bf to join the Objectivist club and it broadened his horizons and he even won some debates and one fistfight about Tim Thomas (Objectivist or Jerk? - it started out as a debate..)

Long story short, we had a beautiful wedding at centre ice and soon welcomed our firstborn, Sergei |Babrovsky Higgins.

She is the apple of her daddy's eye.

Before, I was at Wits End but now I am proudly

Contented in Columbus

Dear Contented,

I am enchante that my advice has helped! May I ask for the benefit of other readers, if the underwear situation was worked out satisfactorily?

All congratulations and best wishes to you two and little Bobbi.

Sincerement,

\

Emile

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Dear Emile,

Thanks again! As to your question, I will not go into details but things worked out better than I could have hoped! An entrepreneur from the Objectivist club helped me and my mother-in-law set up our own business, and ourBeneath the Blue Jacket Boutique is thriving!

Happily,

Contented

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Dear Emile,

Longtime fan, first time writer! Just wonder if you could pass along a message to RL in Vancouver, I know for a fact that Muslim fans would not be offended if he goes on a fast even if he is Italian. My imam is an expert on all this and he says it is all OK unless he might come play goal for the Leafs, in which case it would be sinful to fast and wear down his fitness.

Hope this helps.

N.K.

toronto

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Dear Contented in Columbus,

I just received your kind gift of Complimentary Beneath the Blue Jacket merchandise - I am overwhelmed and blushing with thanks! My wife sends her warmest regards and is planning a trip to Ohio in the near future.

As always, Madame,

Yours to command,

Emile

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To RL: You think you got problems? My sentence was up a week ago and I am still stuck in here alone in the dark!

Let me out,

Baby Cambridge

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Nobody cares if I stay in here forever! The outside world has forgotten me. I can hear them talking and it is all about epistiomology and the problem of induction, whatever that is. Enough with the philosophy, some pre-people have real problems!

Desperate in Utero

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Dear Emile,

We are Zamboni drivers at the ACC Stadium who want to support the freedom loving truckers of America. We can't exactly strike because we would get lynched, but we want to ride the Zam downtown in solidarity with the individualists. We are pretty sure management will not let us borrow it, however. Do you know where we can borrow a Zamboni from for a day?

Yours for liberty and low fuel prices,

Gord, Doug and Michelle

The Z-Team

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Dear Z-Team,

Zamboni owners are notoriously reluctant to let these vehicles off their premises, and the manufacturers and retailers do not allow for test drives.

Your best bet is to ask the Buffalo Sabres to lend you John Scott.

Emile

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Dear Mr Scott, Sir,

We are pleased to honour your request about "hot hockey chicks 6'5" or over" and will be back to you shortly,

TZT

We mean, as soon as possible!

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Dear Doug,

Christ on a bike! What am I supposed to do now, I cant find any chicks who fit the bill who are originally chicks if you know what I mean! He knows where I live now!

Gord

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Gord, stay cool bro, eyes on the prize. We will Boni for freedom somehow.

You better come stay at my place just in case. Together we can work on Michelle to do the stilts thing.

Doug

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Just FORGET IT Guys, I can meet all the NHLers I want without going on stilts and putting on a foot-high wig. and I don't even care about \Obama one way or the other, isn't he American? I am all for a fun day out and team building and I hope this will not damage our good working relationhip but the answer is NO.

Michelle

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