The Best Beloved

[caroljane]

When I was born, my father was a little bewildered, "The first one's supposed to be a boy," he said, but my mother had expected a girl and picked out a lot of girls' names with her sister. Their mother had vetoed Heather-- "Sounds like the name of an old cow"- thanks Nanny.

When I was a young child my Daddy was a strong person who read to me, the Little Golden Books over and over, and woe betide him if he missed a word.

He taught me to drive. He began this with explaining the internal combustion engine and its workings in our Chevy. I actually remember some parts of this. I passed the driving test after two tries, but damaged the Chevy trying to avoid a cat on an icy street, The car ended up on the lawn of the police chief.

He forgave my adolescence. I once called him a spineless jellyfish, because he deferred to my mother in matters domestic, and she never forgave me for that but he did. He even forbore to point out the redundancy of the metaphor.

He enjoyed my company and missed me when I was gone. I never knew this incident until after my father had died.When I was 18, after my parents had left me at my new university in Ottawa, as they drove back home eastward, my father cried all the way from Ottawa to

Montreal, my mother told me. She had never seen him cry before, nor had I.

A father was only one of the things he was, but it was towering everything to me.

Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet.

[Selene]

Carol:

Thank you.

My partner and I were sitting in his vehicle waiting for a client some twenty (20) years ago. The client was a neurologist with five (5) offices in the NY City metro area. He was going through a divorce and had been referred to us.

It was a crisp, clear, comfortably cold night a week before Christmas. As usual people's spirits and sense of sanity and good will were at their optimal levels. As we sat there, we were discussing some

plans for the organization for the new year.

The erosion of the role of the father from the American family was a fact that we believed was the primary cause of the destruction of the family. The destruction of the family erodes the fundamental foundational structure of the society.

My partner turned to me and said, "You know what's missing from the world?" He answered his rhetorical question with "Men with hats."

In its own way, the man with the hat and what he represents is gone.

I can remember an action taken by my father, who was 80, as he and I were walking in NY City. We had stepped into a deli to get coffee and a sandwich to eat in the park, and, as he moved towards the cashier, a lady came towards him and he touched his hand to his hat and bowed his head in respect. The lady beamed and returned the gesture with a smile that lit up her face.

Yep, a father makes all the difference as Robert Redford said to Glenn Close in her apartment in the Natural.

Adam

[caroljane]

Carol:

Thank you.

My partner and I were sitting in his vehicle waiting for a client some twenty (20) years ago. The client was a neurologist with five (5) offices in the NY City metro area. He was going through a divorce and had been referred to us.

It was a crisp, clear, comfortably cold night a week before Christmas. As usual people's spirits and sense of sanity and good will were at their optimal levels. As we sat there, we were discussing some

plans for the organization for the new year.

The erosion of the role of the father from the American family was a fact that we believed was the primary cause of the destruction of the family. The destruction of the family erodes the fundamental foundational structure of the society.

My partner turned to me and said, "You know what's missing from the world?" He answered his rhetorical question with "Men with hats."

In its own way, the man with the hat and what he represents is gone.

I can remember an action taken by my father, who was 80, as he and I were walking in NY City. We had stepped into a deli to get coffee and a sandwich to eat in the park, and, as he moved towards the cashier, a lady came towards him and he touched his hand to his hat and bowed his head in respect. The lady beamed and returned the gesture with a smile that lit up her face.

Yep, a father makes all the difference as Robert Redford said to Glenn Close in her apartment in the Natural.

Adam

Thanks for this, Adam. If our dads had ever met, I think they would have really hit it off. I can imagine a conversation on the lines of "You think your kid is ornery - wait'll you hear what mine did when she was 13...etc"

[Dennis Hardin]

When I was born, my father was a little bewildered, "The first one's supposed to be a boy," he said, but my mother had expected a girl and picked out a lot of girls' names with her sister. Their mother had vetoed Heather-- "Sounds like the name of an old cow"- thanks Nanny.

When I was a young child my Daddy was a strong person who read to me, the Little Golden Books over and over, and woe betide him if he missed a word.

He taught me to drive. He began this with explaining the internal combustion engine and its workings in our Chevy. I actually remember some parts of this. I passed the driving test after two tries, but damaged the Chevy trying to avoid a cat on an icy street, The car ended up on the lawn of the police chief.

He forgave my adolescence. I once called him a spineless jellyfish, because he deferred to my mother in matters domestic, and she never forgave me for that but he did. He even forbore to point out the redundancy of the metaphor.

He enjoyed my company and missed me when I was gone. I never knew this incident until after my father had died.When I was 18, after my parents had left me at my new university in Ottawa, as they drove back home eastward, my father cried all the way from Ottawa to Montreal, my mother told me. She had never seen him cry before, nor had I.

A father was only one of the things he was, but it was towering everything to me.

Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet.

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

[caroljane]

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

Why yes, I guess it does in the part if my life's story shaped by relationships with men as lovers, boyfriends, friends, husband. I have been consistently lucky. The men who liked me or loved me all had something of the qualities which I loved in my father, and came increasingly to know how admirable they were. There was great sadness when I lost them, of course, but in having had them, great happiness.

I don't mean to pry about a third person but I am sorry she had an unhappy story. Could you explain a bit why this struck a chord with you about my post?

[Brant Gaede]

When I was born, my father was a little bewildered, "The first one's supposed to be a boy," he said, but my mother had expected a girl and picked out a lot of girls' names with her sister. Their mother had vetoed Heather-- "Sounds like the name of an old cow"- thanks Nanny.

When I was a young child my Daddy was a strong person who read to me, the Little Golden Books over and over, and woe betide him if he missed a word.

He taught me to drive. He began this with explaining the internal combustion engine and its workings in our Chevy. I actually remember some parts of this. I passed the driving test after two tries, but damaged the Chevy trying to avoid a cat on an icy street, The car ended up on the lawn of the police chief.

He forgave my adolescence. I once called him a spineless jellyfish, because he deferred to my mother in matters domestic, and she never forgave me for that but he did. He even forbore to point out the redundancy of the metaphor.

He enjoyed my company and missed me when I was gone. I never knew this incident until after my father had died.When I was 18, after my parents had left me at my new university in Ottawa, as they drove back home eastward, my father cried all the way from Ottawa to Montreal, my mother told me. She had never seen him cry before, nor had I.

A father was only one of the things he was, but it was towering everything to me.

Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet.

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

One shouldn't enter a relationship with the idea of changing one's partner for the better, but not to understand that it's natural for adults to grow as people throughout their lives and a lot of living needs living for that to happen and only then will the guy finally catch up to Dad--then, not the beginning--is to be stuck. Regardless, the older one's prospective partner the more gravitas he'll have for he didn't need you in particular to get that far and who wants to psychologically repeat with a partner what one had with a parent?

--Brant

Edited July 24, 2011 by Brant Gaede

[Dennis Hardin]

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

Why yes, I guess it does in the part if my life's story shaped by relationships with men as lovers, boyfriends, friends, husband. I have been consistently lucky. The men who liked me or loved me all had something of the qualities which I loved in my father, and came increasingly to know how admirable they were. There was great sadness when I lost them, of course, but in having had them, great happiness.

I don't mean to pry about a third person but I am sorry she had an unhappy story. Could you explain a bit why this struck a chord with you about my post?

When I re-read my prior post, it occurred to me that I may have totally misinterpreted your last sentence: "Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet."

Obviously I did. I took you to mean that your "exaggerated expectations" had consistently proven ('without disappointment') to be unrealistic expectations, and that you had never met any men you could really care about. Clearly the opposite is true. How fortunate for you!

The person I was speaking about has had a very different experience. Her idealized view of her father has been an obstacle for romantic relationships. I suppose both reactions to an idealized parent are fairly common.

Edited July 24, 2011 by Dennis Hardin

[Brant Gaede]

I first read it the way Carol meant it to be taken.

--Brant

[caroljane]

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

Why yes, I guess it does in the part if my life's story shaped by relationships with men as lovers, boyfriends, friends, husband. I have been consistently lucky. The men who liked me or loved me all had something of the qualities which I loved in my father, and came increasingly to know how admirable they were. There was great sadness when I lost them, of course, but in having had them, great happiness.

I don't mean to pry about a third person but I am sorry she had an unhappy story. Could you explain a bit why this struck a chord with you about my post?

When I re-read my prior post, it occurred to me that I may have totally misinterpreted your last sentence: "Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet."

Obviously I did. I took you to mean that your "exaggerated expectations" had consistently proven ('without disappointment') to be unrealistic expectations, and that you had never met any men you could really care about. Clearly the opposite is true. How fortunate for you!

The person I was speaking about has had a very different experience. Her idealized view of her father has been an obstacle for romantic relationships. I suppose both reactions to an idealized parent are fairly common.

Oh, I see. I think though, while obviously I was idealizing my dad in my post, this is cumulative hindsight. Certainly in his life I loved him, but took him for granted as children do. He was just your everyday hero, a man in a hat as Adam says. It is now that I have lived longer than he got to live, and I think back, that I realize how his good qualities led me to expect that other ordinary men would have them too, and generally I found that they did. In 2011

this seems like an exaggerated expectation, and the shoe is too often on the other foot, with men being assumed untrustworthy or abusive or neglectful because bad or absent fathers were.

[Brant Gaede]

Daunce,

That last sentence of yours could represent your life's story. Does it in your case?

I know someone for whom it does--and it is not a happy story. I sincerely hope things have turned out better for you.

Why yes, I guess it does in the part if my life's story shaped by relationships with men as lovers, boyfriends, friends, husband. I have been consistently lucky. The men who liked me or loved me all had something of the qualities which I loved in my father, and came increasingly to know how admirable they were. There was great sadness when I lost them, of course, but in having had them, great happiness.

I don't mean to pry about a third person but I am sorry she had an unhappy story. Could you explain a bit why this struck a chord with you about my post?

When I re-read my prior post, it occurred to me that I may have totally misinterpreted your last sentence: "Because of him I have exaggerated expectations of men, which have never been disappointed yet."

Obviously I did. I took you to mean that your "exaggerated expectations" had consistently proven ('without disappointment') to be unrealistic expectations, and that you had never met any men you could really care about. Clearly the opposite is true. How fortunate for you!

The person I was speaking about has had a very different experience. Her idealized view of her father has been an obstacle for romantic relationships. I suppose both reactions to an idealized parent are fairly common.

Oh, I see. I think though, while obviously I was idealizing my dad in my post, this is cumulative hindsight. Certainly in his life I loved him, but took him for granted as children do. He was just your everyday hero, a man in a hat as Adam says. It is now that I have lived longer than he got to live, and I think back, that I realize how his good qualities led me to expect that other ordinary men would have them too, and generally I found that they did. In 2011

this seems like an exaggerated expectation, and the shoe is too often on the other foot, with men being assumed untrustworthy or abusive or neglectful because bad or absent fathers were.

You simply got your brain hardwired to look for certain qualities and that's why you found them as they exist in people.

--Brant

[caroljane]

You simply got your brain hardwired to look for certain qualities and that's why you found them as they exist in people.

--Brant

You're right, Brant - and how did I find them before the Internet? I told you I was lucky!

I should add that in case I gave the impression that my luck consisted of sailing from love to love in ascending happiness,not so.My romantic career was one of hopeless crushes, broken hearts, lonely Saturdays -- the usual single in the 70s story. My first love dumped me after three years. I was fallen in love with by guys I could not bear the sight of. I had one very, very "brief relationship" with someone I really liked who is now a well known academic, and I will take this opportunity to say, he was even cheaper than R. Feynman. Not even a drink offered, let alone a sandwich. Of course, he never called me again.

But with the important ones in love and marriage I was lucky.

[caroljane]

One shouldn't enter a relationship with the idea of changing one's partner for the better, but not to understand that it's natural for adults to grow as people throughout their lives and a lot of living needs living for that to happen and only then will the guy finally catch up to Dad--then, not the beginning--is to be stuck. Regardless, the older one's prospective partner the more gravitas he'll have for he didn't need you in particular to get that far and who wants to psychologically repeat with a partner what one had with a parent?

--Brant

Interesting observation. Attraction and falling in love, and the choosing of a marriage partner, are two different emotional experiences. Whatever we've internalized about who is attractive, and who feels like someone we could comfortably live with every day, probably come from so many conflicting subconscious influences that it's amazing that anybody at all ever gets or stays married.

My parents had a good marriage and growing up in that atmosphere leads you to expect that intangible ether of easy communication, enjoyment and appreciation of each other, and unity that you sense between your parents. I don't think there was much Elektra-like in my feelings for Dad, but I do think that my observations of him as a husband (the spineless jellyfish!) helped determine my own absolute confidence that I was right when I met the man who "felt right", and for the first time in my life I thought of marriage not only as a tough lifelong job but as a desirable state.

.

Btw both my first love and my husband were seven years older than me.

Edited July 25, 2011 by daunce lynam