caroljane

William's Diary

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Dear Diary,

Things are settling down. The papers are all about the American debates and no more pictures of us have come out except with clothes on. I am glad I do not have to debate anybody, only make speeches. One can then use one's "zingers' when one wants and not have to wait for an opportunity.

I got in a rather good one when darling K and I visited the English World Cup side, those bloody overpaid spoiled wankers. At the end I said, " I would like to cry, 'God for Harry, England and St George'!, but I would not like to lower the tone by bringing my brother Harry into it." Everyone laughed like drains. You will be surprised where I got that one, it was from the Archbishop of Canterbury! I did not know he was a football fan, but apparently he supported QPR in his youth --sad, that. Anyway it was a jolly good line.

One thing about having to go to church all the time, you do find out these nuggets when chatting after the service. When I was most cut up about that awful intrusion by the unspeakable Telephoto Froggie, the rector at Anglesey mentioned to me that King Richard II and his Queen both had to bare their breasts at their coronation to be anointed with the holy oil! That was a facer and reminded me that Things Could be Worse, of course there were no paparazzi back then, and only the nobles would be looking at you, but it would have been much colder in the cathedral also. What my ancestors faced I must prepare to face also, although I hope I will not be deposed and murdered...

I try not to worry about Harry, staff assure me that there are no female soldiers under his direct command, and the other lady squaddies and medical personnel in Afghanistan are mostly married. And one place where Harry (and I) have always drawn the line is at married women, we have grown up with the Awful Example of Great-Uncle David and, well, there was Papa but he has not had to give up the throne because he has not got it, and since those days we have all learned from history and experience, even Archbishops.

Ich dien,

William

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Carol, start knitting...

"Kate Middleton has been on pregnancy watch since she and Prince William tied the knot in April 2011. After all the scrutiny, the couple may make a baby announcement next month."

http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/kate_middleton_pregnant_says_friend_iAKw9XysTO4j3yYn7ib9EM

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Overheard in London, a conversation between the American and British Public Relations Representatives of Miss Kim Kardashian.

APR: Can we get Miss Kardashian an opportunity to meet the Duchess of Cambridge? Any occasion, any way at all.. we wouldn't ask for William too.. just one fast photo?

BPR: No, we can't.

APR: I knew that, but I hadta ask anyway or she'd start screeching.

BPR: She'll screech anyway.

APR: I know.

BPR: And she'll ring her mother and she'll screech, and..

APR: I KNOW, just quit it, OK?

BPR: Sorry.

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Carol, start knitting...

"Kate Middleton has been on pregnancy watch since she and Prince William tied the knot in April 2011. After all the scrutiny, the couple may make a baby announcement next month."

http://www.nypost.co...sTO4j3yYn7ib9EM

Dear Mr. Selene,

I hope you will forgive me writing to you when we have not been introduced , but I take the liberty on the recommendation of Lt-Col Alexander Francois Thumpie who speaks warmly of you, and I feel you are a chap who can understand.

Hypothetically, what can one do when many people expect one to do something and indeed should have already done it? Thumpie says you are the finest arguer, I mean philosopher he knows, well he did say you are the only philosopher he knows but that is by the way. And when a man is trying to get his own relations to just shut up, let alone the entire British public, well you can understand that one would appreciate an outside perspective, as it were.

And please do not say, "Just talk to her, communication is important." I happen to know that. I have talked plenty, to the point where I have been requested to cease talking.

Mr. Selene, I feel within myself that my manhood is in question, although in verifiable fact I have honoured the Duchess every single night we have been married plus some of the days. I seek your objective advice, in confidence, I will trust your word as a gentleman, of course.

Most sincerely,

William

PS I understand that your militia troupe was disbanded for technical reasons, otherwise of course I would have initially addressed you as Col. Selene. All reports tell me that you were an upstanding soldier and a credit to the party which you support.

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Hospital confinement for morning sickness...must be really nice being part of Royalty with a socialized medical system...I am sure that all the young ladies in London's East End are treated the same way...

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Hospital confinement for morning sickness...must be really nice being part of Royalty with a socialized medical system...I am sure that all the young ladies in London's East End are treated the same way...

Weelll.... it may be possible that the morning sickness story is for public consumption, and that there was a miscarriage scare.

They were probably saving the announcement for the Queen's speech on Xmas day. It would have been the first speech in her reign to contain anything interesting.

Carol

Conspiracy theorist

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To clarify, working class women do not get morning sickness. Working class men get it on Sunday mornings after Saturday nights.

Carol

Albert Finney fan

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My bet on a girl's name, Elizabeth (natch, note that it hasn't been given to any grand or great granddaughter yet as a first name, it's b een reserved)Charlotte Diana Caroline.

For a prince I dunno, but many non Royal first time mothers want to honour their own dads. I've always been glad my father's name was John and not Elijah or Mervyn or Howard.

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My bet on a girl's name, Elizabeth (natch, note that it hasn't been given to any grand or great granddaughter yet as a first name, it's b een reserved)Charlotte Diana Caroline.

For a prince I dunno, but many non Royal first time mothers want to honour their own dads. I've always been glad my father's name was John and not Elijah or Mervyn or Howard.

My paternal grandparents both died long before I was born, but they seem to have been monarchists, naming their children Albert Edward, John Frederick and Charlotte Elizabeth among others, Either that or they were highly unimaginative and got the names from street names of St Andrews-by-the-Sea, the local honeymoon spot and weekend getaway of choice.

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This is a good place to close the Diary. I don't think I will ever feel like doing it again, the unspeakable Australians have ruined my fun, amongst other things they have ruined.

Sometimes I despair of the Commonwealth.

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Thank you so much, so very much free press and new media, for all the wonderful work you do.

William

Heir to the Bloody Throne

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Dear Diary,

I take up my pen again to calm my nerves whilst waiting for darling K to say goodbye to her whole extended family and get ready to drive for a whole entire hour back to London, I am not allowed even a beer although I will not be the driver. I suppose that is fair bec ause . the medical staff have not been allowed to drink for the past month and god knows how much longer they will have to go without. I do feel at one with the great British public now because the only thought in my head is WHEN?

Papa has been a great support in steadying me with his great knowledge of previous royal births. K was very glad to hear that the Chancellor of the Exchequer will not be required to watch the baby come out in these modern times when we do not use warming pans. Queen Caroline of Naples having the baby suddenly in a cupboard with her husband the King as emergency midwife was very funny, frankly that scenario has a certain appeal to me just now, but they had 18 children so I suppose they hardly noticed it.

Harry had some Harry=like suggestions for hastening the birth which I was rather keen to try but K declined rather forcefully and even used some uncharacteristically colourful language about the doctors that Harry said recommended them. Hormones really are amazing, I must ask Cousin R if he has studied up on them. ---Oh, must dash, it's "William why aren't you ready yet\' or "William it's too early stop hovering-- I cannot do anything right these days although

\

Ich dien!

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Dear Diary,

I am a father at last! The bliss and the joy and indescribable - but good grief, he has such an enormous head! The doctors have all said he is perfect and I am sure they are right -- but I did ring cousin R just to double check you know, and he reassured me that there was nothing in it.

Ich dien

William (Father of one!)

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Dear Diary,

Granny is very pleased with the baby. She did not say much when we gave our shortlist for names -- James, Michael, Gary, Diandrew and Aethelstan (this was a very underrated early king Papa says, and we could call him Stan for short).

Oh HELL, it is my turn for nappy duty- \I do hope K agrees to be traditional about royal toilet training, Papa was trained at six months!

Ich dien

W

-

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Dear Diary,

I do not know what to do. Papa and Cam were visiting and admiring dear little George and Papa joked ."He is well named, he looks just like the fourth one!" We all laughed but K looked confused so I said, "You know darling, the fat one haha." And she burst into tears and grabbed the baby and rushed into the bedroom an slammed, positively slammed the door! I have never ever known her to slam a door before.What on earth? Motherhood did not change Aunt Anne into another person, or Aunt Sarah... or Cam for that matter...well, this is just one challenge I must try to figure out alone, I do not think I will consult Papa about it.

Perplexedly,

W.

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Dear Diary,

It is all resolved and we are closer than ever!It was a very silly thing, it was that word `fat`which set her off, we had talked about it with the midwife and many people before. `Baby weight is normal and natural and K had always said she knew nobody could resume the pre-baby body within a few weeks like those Playboy bunnies and that terrifying Spelling woman. But it turns out, she really did not believe that but thought that her shape should simply resume immediately because she is a celebrity,and she had something of an identity crisis, and I am so glad I was able to comfort her without consulting anybody.

Losing baby weight is fine for regular celebrities, we have agreed. It is gaining baby weight that is the duty of a Duchess.

Ich dien,

W.

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Dear Diary,

Living with the in-laws is awfully jolly, and I am blessed that I have always got on so well with them, unlike poor Papa who does not get on at all with Uncle Charles and always refers to him as "that blighter." (He is much luckier with Cam's relatives who never cause any trouble or get into the newspapers).

There are rather a lot of them however, more than I realized. When I go down to the kitchen in the morning to make Kate's wake-up cup of tea there are always some cousins or step-aunts there, no matter how early it is. And when I am changing a nappy or bathing precious Georgie, I always have an audience, they are very helpful with suggestions but it is a bit unnerving. Furthermore I have overheard a couple of comments such as, "It's all very well for him - off with the lads playing polo while poor Kate is stuck at home with a crying baby". Well, \I wanted to say, if the crying bothers you so much why do you not push off back to your own house?

It brings to mind the situation of so many ordinary couples in the postwar housing shortage, and I now feel closer to the Great British Public than ever before. I mentioned this to K but she did not seem to take my point. "When we go back to Kensington we will be living with your relatives again", she said. "And there are bloody dozens of them."

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Dear Diary,

I am back at work and I will confide that sometimes I wish I could never leave. The lads were all so laconic but welcoming. They showed me pictures of their own babies, and although I would never tell K this, they all had much more normal size looking heads--

I miss them both most frightfully of course, and soon I will be settled in the new phase of my career. It has not been decided yet but I hope it is not the poncy wanker Household Cavalry. Those Garter ceremonies are embarrassing enough.

Oh, I say! A nude bather has got in difficulties at OrgoFest -- wait till Harry hears this! I suppose I will not be allowed to rescue her --- oh, it's a him.

Still, Duty is my Destiny, and

Ich dien

W.

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Dear Diary,

I just got a briefing from the Press Office to cease mentioning Georgie's loudness in future press-the-fleshers. Not that this has displeased, indeed the crowds love those "common touches", but it is time to move to a new response. It would not do to give an impression that he is louder or more vocally gifted than other British babies, or that I have less tolerance forthis crying than other British fathers.

This has caused me to reflect, because in fact I think I may have a heightened sensitivity in this area. I was not exposed to much loudness as a child, and though enjoying clubs, that was a chosen loudness which I could cause to cease at any time. Ceremonial loudness such as cheering crowds, fanfares, fly-pasts etc., I learned to adjust to and the source of the loudness and it was always at a respectful distance.

My son, by contrast, screams directly into my ear, at avolume which seems impossible for less than Pavarotti, usually while clutching other parts of my person and simultaneously drooling upon me (obviously he will do well at multi-tasking).

I expect nothing of the Great British Public who give all to me, I only hope that they can realize at times, the ways in which I am at one with them.

Ich dien

W

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Dear Diary,

Our first outing together alone since becoming parents! Well, not alone quite, it was some kind of sports event here on dear old Anglesey, I did suggest a cosy dinner at the Crown and Anchor but that was apparently not on - K looked delightful, but it was rather worrisome calling every half hour to check on Georgie-- dear Carole was quite cross the last time and said she had just got him to sleep, and please to not call again until morning!! K said, obviously she does not understand how a new mother feels, it was so different in her day, and I agreed fervently,

Fervent agreement is the best course to take these days, I find.

Ich Dien

W.

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Dear Diary,

I am rather proud of myself today, having carried off my plan as head of the Football Association to celebrate the 150th anniversary at Buck House, with a game between the two first 19th-century teams! (Dave wanted an all-star Premier League game with a gala ball but no, I said, amateurs are much cheaper).

They will create a pitch in the gardens and it is unlikely they will break any windows.

The tricky part is telling Granny of the plan. It will be in October however, and she is not usually in residence then. Perhaps she will not hear about it.

Ich dien,

W.

Gooooaal!

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Dear Diary,

She has heard already (how??) and I was summoned for a very uncomfortable half hour..."Did Mr Beckham suggest the Palace as a venue?"... did you give a thought to my Queen Anne roses>" "Do you remember who Queen Anne was, William?"",,it was quite gruelling and I got Anne wrong the first time, thinking of the Tudors on telly.

But she softened as dear Granny always does and said it was a progressive idea, and after all it will not recur for another 150 years.

Whew!

\ich dien

W.

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Dear Diary,

The use of the gardens for our game has not been questioned yet (good) but the gardens have been in the news because of Uncle Andy (bad, if you listen to Papa which we all have to do patiently). "HIS HOUSE, good God, it is not his house and never will be... telling police officers only doing their duty to F** off - they should have told HIM to f** off .. rude, arrogant, spoilt.. have those bloody girls of his got jobs yet?...remarry that trollop, not while I.] have a say in it he won't, we are carrying enough dead weight already.." etc/

There is not much to say to Papa when he is in this mood. I cannot imagine ever feeling so hostile towards Harry however silly he may be at times. He is always very polite to the servants.

I rather hope when Kate and I have the Spare it will be a girl. Neither Papa nor Uncle Andy nor Uncle Eddie have ever said anything in the slightest way critical of Aunt Anne. They simply would not dare.

Ich dien

William

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