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Nobody believes anything I say. Some smartass said it might help if I told the truth once in a while. But all those stories that I told are true. And I know they are true because I made them up my own self. I attended a lying contest, a contest to see who could tell the biggest lie. There was the one about the man who was so thin that he had to stand twice in the same place to make a good shadow. There was a woman who was so fat that when she hauled ass she had to make two trips. There was a giraffe with a neck so long that a hiccup took 12 hours. There was a building so tall that it had to have a hole in it to let the moon go by. There was a chef who could slice cheese so thin that the slices had only one side. There was a hillbilly who believed electricity was good for his health. But he was a nature nut and he thought natural electricity is better than artificial electricity. So one day during a thunderstorm he went outside and caught himself a lightning bolt in his mouth. His throat was so hot from the lightning bolt that he caught in his mouth that for a whole month he ate food raw and by the time it got down to his stomach it was cooked. Then it was my turn to tell a lie. I didn't know I was in the contest. I thought I was just a spectator. But they wanted me to tell a lie. And they dragged me to the microphone in front of the audience. I said: "Hey listen youse people. There is some kind of mistake here. I'm not supposed to be in this contest. I don't tell lies. I never in my life told a lie. I couldn't tell a lie even if I tried to." The place went crazy with applause and cheering and whistling and hat throwing. And they told me I won the contest.