This really should go in the creative writing section and maybe later I will transfer it over there. But for now, I thought something productive should come out of this mess, even if it is only a satire diddley.
Objectivist Schism Blues
by Michael Stuart Kelly
I have been watching the schism you are causing on the Internet.
Yeah. You know, the thing about that guy being invited to speak at a TAS Seminar.
That isn't a schism.
Sure it is.
No it isn't. A schism happens if there is an alliance. There is no alliance with that dude. Never has been since OL was founded.
Well, it looks like a schism.
Come on. You know what I mean. You are all Objectivists.
So why can't you Objectivists just get along? First the Brandens, then Kelley-Peikoff, then Peikoff-Reisman, then some others, now you guys.
All right. I see how it looks. What do you want me to do?
Well… er… find common ground with that dude and… you know… make peace.
OK… let's see… common ground?... hmmmm… we read some of the same books by Rand.
See? That's a start.
But he likes to cuss people all the time. He tries to get others to do that.
And you have a problem with that?
But sometimes you have to cuss people.
Sure. But not all the time.
This dude does it all the time.
Why do you think he does that?
Because that's what he does. He can't not do it.
But he says it is rational passion surging and pulsing through his soul.
He used to cuss people when he was a Marxist. Now he cusses them for Objectivism. Something else is surging and pulsing in his gut. If he ever became Christian he would cuss people.
Got a theory as to why?
Yeah. He likes to cuss people.
Well… the guy from TAS thinks the dude can change.
I know. The dude cusses TAS people too.
But they don't mind. They think he will cuss himself dry one day.
Why would they think that?
I don't know. The dude says he loves Ayn Rand, so that probably counts for something.
He says he loves Rand?
Yeah. Usually right before he cusses TAS people.
Why does he cuss TAS?
He likes to cuss people.
That's what he does.
He likes it.
But didn't Barbara Branden just write a harsh critique of him?
Yeah. First time in a long time. She called him a "beleaguered rebel" in search of martyrdom. Said he was "often befuddled by alcohol."
Yeah. He always writes about being the last man standing… all abandoned and alone, true to his cause, the only one with integrity, you know… during some spat or other when folks start leaving.
And he drinks?
Yeah. He writes about his drinking a lot. Says it's rational.
Does he drink too much? When?
I don't know. Before he cusses people…
So what did he do about Barbara Branden?
He cussed her. Called her a "filthy, unutterably disgusting, low-life bitch."
And the TAS guy?
He thinks this dude will cuss himself dry.
Well, see what I mean about schisms?
The TAS guy is trying to stop the schisms.
I've already told him I am not that dude's ally. Never will be.
So what? That can't change?
He likes to cuss people all the time. I'm into something else. Creating stuff... things like that...
But what if he stops cussing people all the time?
How do you know that?
A is A.
I haven't heard that one in a while.
When Rand's right, she's right.
So, "A is A" means you have to have a schism?
There is no schism. You can't have a schism without an alliance.
But don't you want Objectivism to spread?
That would be nice.
So, why won't you even think about an alliance with that dude?
I don't want nonstop cussing to spread.
Oh. I see.
But what if he stops cussing people all the time? TAS just invited him to give a speech and he promised he won't cuss anybody.
Aren't you curious to see what will happen?
Because I already know what he'll do.
But he says he won't.
He always says that.
Right after he cusses people. Sometimes before…
Oh. But what if this time is different?
I'm not interested.
Why not? The Objectivist movement needs unity.
It has never had unity until now. Rand's books sell. Millions. Why does it need unity?
Because unity will make spreading the philosophy easier.
I don't mind spreading the philosophy. That's a good thing.
So what's the problem?
I don't want to spread cussing people.
Oh, just stop it!
So what are you going to do?
Nothing. You said stop it. So I stopped it.
You are going to stop the schism?
There is no schism.
All right. All right. Are you going to try to make peace with that dude?
He likes to cuss people all the time.
And here I thought you were reasonable.