Untitled

[Summer]

I still have a fair bit of editing to do but here we go -

Untitled; Rough Draft.

Chapter One:

Amber watched in stringent silence as the sun leisurely rose within the lavender-kissed sky. The glaring red of its sphere seemed incongruent above inanimate gray rooftops and below, city streets were bursting with the assiduous movement of workers progressing in blind compliance. Their march was unbroken by hesitation or thought as they pushed forward, abiding to the whim of some unseen transmission. While the weather held a promising clarity expressed through its cloudless view, aesthetic beauty was a lost merit when presented to those incapable of appreciation.

The year was 2049: an era of service. Nearly a decade had passed since the Sidonia Procedure was declared a mandatory operation. Since then, all forms of crime had been completely eradicated. There was no money any longer; instead, the Head of State collectively distributed rations according to need. Although she was considered too young to have her emotions medically obstructed, Amber did all she could to imitate the apathetic quality worn by older ones. Her teachers accused her of being too intelligent and regarded this thirst for knowledge as a negative attribute for it led her to articulate a question to which no answer was possible. The question of why. Matters were less painful to address if one simply accepted each moment upon its occurrence as opposed to making empty plans and acknowledging the unspoken. Attempting to understand only brought forth anger and sadness because there was nothing to be done with the realizations obtained through her analysis. No hope for change. Amber Ford did not trust herself to think.

The Procedure was initially developed by a young scientist named Adam Sidonia. Its intention was to eliminate man's concept of greed and hatred by destroying his ability to form opinions or desire. This would end the interference of selfishness within the community, he explained, in order to create utopia. Instantaneously, the media conceded; however, statistic reports began the realization of negative side effects. Having asphyxiated the awareness of identity in their patients, the subjects would often work for days without food or sleep, divorced of their body and its needs. To correct this issue, the Head rose to a position of leadership, announcing they would abstain from undertaking the operation lest it impair their judgment. They requested Adam join the ranks, saying his medical experience might prove valuable. Weeks later, another surgery came into existence as a solution to the first. Such was an operation only performed on the Head which involved the insertion of a microchip that discharged a signature pulse, enabling them to control all those whose minds were wired to the Sidonia. This development permitted the Head to provide families with instructions on when to eat. From there, bedtimes were assigned along with strictly abided timetables. Those who were not yet convinced expressed skepticism at these regulations but a preacher by the appellation of Jonathan Adriel stepped forward wielding a powerful message to the disbelievers.

"The Lord said to love thy neighbor as you would yourself!" It was midday on a Sunday in 2038 and the church was packed to its full capacity. "You who doubt are blinded by arrogance and self-importance, too foolish to seek the salvation God sacrificed his very son to enable. It is your moral duty to capitulate the evil of our covetous way. In the event that you refuse, only damnation will follow. Sacrilege is the worst sin imaginable as it separates us from the love and passion of God, putting your very immortality at risk.

"Without the Father, we are nothing. The Bible teaches us that all must submit to authority. Consequently, if you rebel, you are standing against God. Selfishness is not the way forward. In a world ruled by economic depression and dog-eat-dog Capitalism, it is easy to lose sight of the path. This operation will give us the opportunity to finally achieve a warless unity and fulfill God's plan".

His message aggregated to a commonplace. It was written on billboards and spread from door to door - from mother to child.

On July 5, 2040, the will of a democratic poll insisted this righteousness be imposed by force. When the brain completed its development at the age of twenty-five, the Sidonia Procedure became requisite. The moment this information was publicized, a group of would-be convalescents refused to go under the knife. They made open protests, demanding representation. Then, without warning, the cluster vanished. There was never a mention of rebellion in the papers. It was as though nothing had happened.

In result to Adam's surgery, civilians lacked the willpower to break or evade laws. In fact, they possessed no desire whatsoever. A terrifying stillness settled about the people. A deathly saturninity which seemed to suggest that at any given moment, they would all explode from the chaotic desperation building inside. Because she was only nineteen, Amber still bore signs of an individual consciousness. Her mind was untamed and free. Six more years, she thought; I have plenty of time. Nonetheless, it was the image of her sister's face which was so troubling. Her sister who had only a month until her scheduled treatment. Amber recalled those late nights when Rachel crept into her bed and whispered for fear that their parents may hear. She spoke of the archaic lifestyle pre-Sidonia and pleaded for some flicker of intellect within her.

"Amber," She breathed, "this is wrong. I wish you'd admit it".

"What good would that do for us?"

"We used to be so full of life and now-"

"Let's not worry. I'll think about it tomorrow".

A tomorrow forced back for years. A tomorrow she believed would not come if they only turned the other way and refused to evaluate it.

"Why are you so afraid of passing judgment?" Rachel's words cut like a whip and Amber could only respond in equal bitterness.

"Why do you insist on hurting us both?"

Her bus crawled up the road like a massive animal. There was an unflattering screech as it approached its designated stopping point and the doors swung open, revealing an ultimatum. There could be no alternative but to enter. Amber gathered her belongings and boarded, forcing away the concerns which so cruelly besieged her. She inertly scolded herself but the conception was reflexive and not the product of genuine guilt. As they chugged frontward, her vision fell upon the city; there was something eerie about the stillness its populace maintained even in motion. She noted with disgust how their shoulders hunched forward by way of ignominy as they dispensed into allotted buildings. The familiar pale of architecture was whitewashed over the passage of time. Like dying trees, their structures remained but all proposal of life had faded on.

Inez Academy embraced a similar display, stripped of its integrity and left to stand naked in the absence of color. Mr. Sloan, the assigned teacher for her age group, had once been a man to make even the highest in authority feel inconsequential before they were freed from the burden of esteem. Presently, he was just another echo of what had been. His eyes were dark but strangely intense when compared to the hollow stares she felt accustom to. Taller than most, he was encompassed by an imposing build framed by broad shoulders. He strolled mechanically from aisle to aisle and opened their lesson by proceeding to tap the desk of Celia Genera and ask, "Is this real?"

Celia looked up through her shadowy lashes. She was a quiet girl and seemed honestly startled by the inquest. "It is impossible to establish, sir".

"And why is that?"

"We have evidence that the desk is real. We can feel it with our hands and see it with our eyes. Evidence suggests something but is not verification. Our perception is null. For all I know, the desk is an illusion".

"Regarding this theory, there is no such thing as 'reality'; only arbitrary human conventions. However, in the privation of objective concretes, we cannot maintain order. How is it, then, that we determine what is real and what is not - Amber?"

She bit her lip softly and gazed through him, saying only what was expected: "God".

"Very good. It is by means of God that you know what to do. See, our minds are impotent as separate entities. If I posed the query - Alex?"

Amber was suddenly alert. She angled her head as to better see him, observing his reaction with a sense of unease. Alex Bryant was fairly good-looking with icy blue eyes and a constant impression of poise. Yet there was more to it than a physical manifestation. It was the way he held himself that made his attendance so startling to perceive in the being of their peers. For a beat, Mr. Sloan stopped speaking and simply watched him.

"Yes?"

"What would happen without the authority of God?"

He oscillated briefly with some internal conflict before allowing an answer. "It is believed that we would revert to the position of savages and that no morality could be possible".

"That isn't belief," Mr. Sloan insisted, "It's irrefutable. Without a higher authority, how would we accurately judge what composes good and evil? How could we form decisions?"

"We couldn't. Of course, you're right". Alex leaned back, looking at ease. Mr. Sloan hesitated before continuing onwards.

"Exactly. It is for this reason that we require leaders. Man is evil by birth. We are conceived bearing the sin of our species: the curse of greed, lust... vanity. Prior to the Sidonia Procedure, we were filth. We walked on the backs of others and took like leeches, building upon suffering. For the first time in history, you have the opportunity to change. There is no authority except that which God has established".

Each sentence hit her like a blow to the stomach. It was not his words that disturbed her but to whom they were spoken. She longed desperately to see Alex make a counterclaim but he seemed peacefully alleviated, ignorant to her unvoiced wish. She encountered an irrational wave of anger and returned to the lethargic fog in revulsion.

"Who are you to question the government? You who are so young and know nothing. The Head is backed by the Lord himself! Therefore, all that they ask must be done without reproach. All that they wish is law".

The students resembled sponges: absorbing his speech while comprehending nothing. After what seemed ages, the bell announced a conclusion to their indoctrination and the flock shuffled out. Each day at the termination of her classes, Amber and the others would venture off to commit an atrocious sin. While the teachers were aware of this crime, they did not meddle. All the same, disapproval was not concealed by any stretch of the imagination.

"To 'need' for yourself is the very transgression for which the Sidonia Procedure was invented. This includes socializing and gathering with the intent of enjoying company," Mrs. Hershel, who taught the younger children, declared when the activity of the novices became apparent. "Fortunately, there is optimism for redemption in regards to those who cooperate. Remember: the origin of selfishness lies with Lucifer. When you choose greed, you have protested a higher dominion. Dislodgment from God and our government is treason".

And so it came to pass that they were not suspended from assembly but made to feel vile in the pursuit of personal aspiration. With sinking hearts, they surrendered to the enticement of gratification and came together in the city. At this junction, the firmament had shifted into brilliant shades of red and orange that shattered off the copper penny sinking aloft as the framework adumbrations of the housing structures extended their reach. When he arrived before her, she saw his shoes first: dark blue with black laces. Slowly, her eyes moved up to his face; a cruel slap among the vacant. But, as usual, Alex paid her assessment no profession.

They met this way to relax in the company of fellow individuals outside of a controlled environment. Sometimes they would talk with one another but conversations were usually diminutive between those frightened of vocalizing opinion. Under the cool afternoon glow, Amber lie in the grass and rest her head against a nearby wall, enjoying their hushed reverence. After what stretched into eternity, Claire, who was the oldest of the lot, broke her stillness with a chilling confession.

"I'm getting it done tomorrow. My twenty-fifth birthday," She mumbled, appearing torn between the dichotomy of pleasure and terror.

"Will you be leaving school?" Asked Duena Emil, impassive.

"I'll serve my community according to duty".

"That's very admirable".

"Perhaps," Amber had not endeavored to say it aloud and regretted doing so immediately. Her face flushed. Alex spared a trace of intrigue.

"Isn't your sister's deadline coming up?" He pressed.

"Yes. Sixteen more days".

"And how do you feel about that?"

Asking another to speak on emotion was a terrible taboo. She could feel the critical gawking of those around her and braced herself, deciding this was a topic best avoided.

"I don't care".

The disappointment as he focused his attention elsewhere was unprecedented but Duena disregarded her visage.

"It is admirable and noble as well," She continued, "Sub rosa, I can't wait until they let me get the operation. I wish we didn't have to wait".

There were murmurs of approval. Amber wished he'd look at her again.

"That's the wrong way of interpreting it," Snapped Nessa, a dark-haired militant notorious for her sharp tongue. "You shouldn't be getting the abscission because you want to. We're doing it because it's ethical".

"The government explained this," Claire concurred, seemingly reassured.

"Doesn't that make them selfish, though? I mean, none of the officials endured this procedure".

The increased tension was so dense that it may have been tangible. Amber recognized the speaker as Alyssa, a bolder version of Rachel, not yet compelled to hide her agility. She had demanding brown eyes and hair that scorched with the impression of fire, adding contrast to porcelain skin. Nessa reacted with vicious malevolence.

"The Head is a personification of altruism. They sacrificed their eternal salvation by not throwing out the minds of those in charge in order to appease a greater good. You should be ashamed for even considering that blasphemy".

"Ashamed for wanting to understand?"

They were boring holes into each other.

"God hears every thought you've ever had. He realizes you are weak".

"Or maybe you are weak! You hide behind-"

"He specifically told us to have faith".

"That's not to say we must blindly-"

"Adam and Eve were at peace with God until they took from the Tree of Knowledge. You accuse us of being blind but it was the idiosyncrasy of wonder that destroyed our species in the first place".

"That - I mean-" Alyssa looked defeated. The group watched her coldly and, realizing she had their unbreached support, Nessa moved in for a final kill.

"We live in a fallen world. It all collapsed when Adam and Eve disobeyed. We mustn't doubt those in command at risk of making the same mistake. Who are you to think? The Head is far more educated on these ordeals. Have faith".

Amber walked slowly through the town, focusing on the sound of her footsteps. Each collision of sole against pavement pushed her deeper into a recollection of Nessa's words.

I am going to cut if off here for this post. Constructive criticism, please? I take my writing very seriously but if you find something terribly wrong with the above passage, tell me so and I'll handle it without being too defensive.

Edited March 17, 2010 by Summer

[psychoanaleesis]

Hi Summer,

First, I've got to say that I haven't read your story's draft in full but I'm just going to give you my first impressions. In my inexpert opinion, it appears that from the beginning, you've made it very obvious what the characters' intentions are. While this is not necessarily bad, it takes out the excitement of getting acquainted with the background and the characters. If you're planning to write a novel, I'd suggest that you leave little clues here and there for the reader to pick up.

Also, creating a more vivid and diverse background in terms of plot and/or character should get the reader worked up.

I've read a lot of fictional literature that had characters so complex that they take a life of their own and could readily be placed in virtually any situation.

If you like this tip, please do use it, I'd be glad.

Edited March 24, 2010 by David Lee

[Rich Engle]

There was no money any longer

"There was no longer any money" or, maybe something like "Money no longer existed; it had been eradicated" (...etc., etc.)? I dunno, rules are rules but flow is flow so breaking or adhering is always secondary to flow in my book. Always with the choices, right? If you don't already own it, get a copy of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style." This little book is one of the true great ones to have around when you're making decisions. And it's CHEAP! Get a used one somewhere--I think I paid a buck for mine. There are some neat things in there, you know, like using colons, semicolons, or hyphens depending on how much pause or emphasis you need. Of course, if you really want to give yourself a brainbender, start studying techniques like anapest, spondee, dactyl trisyllable...using a poetic, metered approach to control your flow. Learn all that, then forget it.

Also, did the sun truly rise "within" the lavender-kissed sky, or over it? The sun is illuminating that what then becomes lavender. I see where you want them blended, but it seems like a time-problem. The sun appears, the sky gains the color, I was thinking that's how it physically works.

The only other thing I was thinking (and this is just an opinion) would be your almost immediate use of alliteraion--you have that, what, in your very first sentence? I say this because it seems to me that it is very easy for alliteration to appear forced, or contrived. I believe that alliteration works best when it appears naturally--you just spit it out during a freewrite. Or, sometimes, it comes secondary; you have another word there and suddenly you see a decent opening for alliteration. Sure, many great stories use it right off-rip, but man, you have to have some real mastery to pull that off. It's a toughie.

Hope that helps.

rde

Edited March 23, 2010 by Rich Engle

[Summer]

There was no money any longer

"There was no longer any money" or, maybe something like "Money no longer existed; it had been eradicated" (...etc., etc.)? I dunno, rules are rules but flow is flow so breaking or adhering is always secondary to flow in my book. Always with the choices, right? If you don't already own it, get a copy of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style." This little book is one of the true great ones to have around when you're making decisions. And it's CHEAP! Get a used one somewhere--I think I paid a buck for mine. There are some neat things in there, you know, like using colons, semicolons, or hyphens depending on how much pause or emphasis you need. Of course, if you really want to give yourself a brainbender, start studying techniques like anapest, spondee, dactyl trisyllable...using a poetic, metered approach to control your flow. Learn all that, then forget it.

Also, did the sun truly rise "within" the lavender-kissed sky, or over it? The sun is illuminating that what then becomes lavender. I see where you want them blended, but it seems like a time-problem. The sun appears, the sky gains the color, I was thinking that's how it physically works.

The only other thing I was thinking (and this is just an opinion) would be your almost immediate use of alliteraion--you have that, what, in your very first sentence? I say this because it seems to me that it is very easy for alliteration to appear forced, or contrived. I believe that alliteration works best when it appears naturally--you just spit it out during a freewrite. Or, sometimes, it comes secondary; you have another word there and suddenly you see a decent opening for alliteration. Sure, many great stories use it right off-rip, but man, you have to have some real mastery to pull that off. It's a toughie.

Hope that helps.

rde

I worded it as I did intentionally but thank you for the concern.

[Philip Coates]

Summer, you said if one found some things terribly wrong, you would try to listen without being defensive. So here goes. My reactions were negative. The idea of emotions being 'medically obstructed' is original as far as I know. But I couldn't get through your piece because of your writing style. Sorry.

Here are some of the problems I had in the very first paragraph (there's much more but this is enough):

1) "Amber watched in stringent silence as the sun leisurely rose within the lavender-kissed sky. The glaring red of its sphere seemed incongruent above inanimate gray rooftops and below, city streets were bursting with the assiduous movement of workers progressing in blind compliance."

Too wordy with far too many unnecessary or jarring adjectives. 'Stringent' doesn't properly modify silence without some explanation. If you are going to put a new twist on an adjective, best not to do it in the first sentence - or in too puzzling a manner. 'Leisurely rose' is bad grammar. ('Leisurely' is an adjective, not an adverb.) 'Rose in a leisurely manner' is correct. 'Lavender-kissed' has sort of a pleasant, idyllic, pretty connotation. Not the effect you should be intending. A sun is not 'glaring red' when it first rises, or at least you wouldn't combine that with lavender-colored. 'Incongruent' is not the correct word, unless you are doing a geometry proof. Why are the rooftops 'inanimate'? Just because no one is awake yet? "Bursting with movement" is a cliche and 'assiduous', like 'incongruent' is an intellectualized adjective which doesn't fit (it is used to describe conscientious effort, not physical motion.)

You've got people moving to work assiduously, which is positive, but at the same time it is 'blind compliance', which is negative. And is unmotivated and unexplained. Would you call a traffic flow across the George Washington bridge or along an L.A. freeway, 'blind compliance'.

The reason I pick on the very first sentences is they are extremely important in any piece. And you repeat this 'big words' style further on. It's as if you are using SAT-type latinate words - stringent, leisurely, assiduous, incongruent - to try to impress. You really do need to read Strunk and White or if you have, to internalize it.

2) "While the weather held a promising clarity expressed through its cloudless view, aesthetic beauty was a lost merit when presented to those incapable of appreciation."

Too wordy with too many academic-sounding words, again. 25 words. Compare to this: "There were clear and cloudless skies, but those rushing to work couldn't appreciate its beauty." 15 words. Says the same thing in simpler, less pompous or pretentious language.

3) "Although she was considered too young to have her emotions medically obstructed, Amber did all she could to imitate the apathetic quality worn by older ones. Her teachers accused her of being too intelligent and regarded this thirst for knowledge as a negative attribute for it led her to articulate a question to which no answer was possible. The question of why."

Lack of simplicity and wordiness again: 'imitate the apathetic quality worn by' vs. 'imitate the apathy of'; 'regarded' vs. 'saw'; 'a negative attribute' vs. 'a negative'; 'articulate a question' vs. 'ask a question'.

[ "alleviated, ignominy, manifestation, saturninity, appellation" .... you have a good vocabulary, and occasional use of this sort of abstract language can be effective, but it shouldn't overwhelm. Fiction is laregly the realm of the simple, vivid, concrete. ]

On an overall level, too many young? Oists make the mistake of trying to rewrite or do a minor variant on something Rand wrote (in your case, it sounds a lot like Anthem) rather than having their own thoroughly original idea.

It would be more interesting if they had been deeply influenced not just by Rand, which is great, but as writers also by Dickens, Shakespeare, Twain, Jane Austen, Kipling, Conan Doyle, Tom Wolfe. Not necessarily all of them, but some. So as to avoid that watered-down Rand feeling.

I'm sorry if this criticism is too harsh, but you did ask for honest response.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Philip Coates

[Philip Coates]

I just checked your profile and see that you're sixteen. In that context, my reactions were too harsh, addressed more to a somewhat experienced writer. This is obviously an early effort, and you should be happy just to put out on paper whatever you are able to. If you are deeply influenced by one writer, that's okay. Put it on paper. And then later on, you will grow.

Imitation is actually a good idea early on. And there is a lot that is promising in your writing, room to build or grow on.

The mistakes are okay...and no one ever writes a great and unflawed early draft. Or first story.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Philip Coates

[Summer]

I just checked your profile and see that you're sixteen. In that context, my reactions were too harsh, addressed more to a somewhat experienced writer. This is obviously an early effort, and you should be happy just to put out on paper whatever you are able to.

This was immensely insulting. When it comes to either receiving harsh criticism v. you going easy based on my age, I'd prefer the former.

Looking back, my draft really was terrible. I've rewritten it.

[Mike11]

Nice to see you here Summer. You should leave the other place and hang out around here more often.

[caroljane]

This is obviously an early effort, and you should be happy just to put out on paper whatever you are able to. If you are deeply influenced by one writer, that's okay. Put it on paper. And then later on, you will grow.

Celin Dion!! Are you interested in joining Jim Carrey and Michael J, Fox and K.naan in buying the Leafs who are now up for sale? You could design killer new uniforms with sequins and bust the ratings just singing the national anthem!

[9thdoctor]

Celin Dion!! Are you interested in joining Jim Carrey and Michael J, Fox and K.naan in buying the Leafs who are now up for sale? You could design killer new uniforms with sequins and bust the ratings just singing the national anthem!

I'm afraid you need a tutorial on identifying canned processed pork. If it's a new user, and there's a commercial link embedded, it's Spam. MSK will be around to delete it, and the fact that you quoted it is going to mean it'll take him twice as much work. So, be a good citizen and don't quote Spam.

[caroljane]

Celin Dion!! Are you interested in joining Jim Carrey and Michael J, Fox and K.naan in buying the Leafs who are now up for sale? You could design killer new uniforms with sequins and bust the ratings just singing the national anthem!

I'm afraid you need a tutorial on identifying canned processed pork. If it's a new user, and there's a commercial link embedded, it's Spam. MSK will be around to delete it, and the fact that you quoted it is going to mean it'll take him twice as much work. So, be a good citizen and don't quote Spam.

This person hounds me from thread to thread with obscure references which mean nothing except to his crazed self.

I speak always only the truth and he speaks of canned processed meat product, which I do not even like, so I shall let the record speak for itself, although it does not actually need my permission, though I grant it graciously anyway.

Above it all,

Caro;

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Carol,

Dennis is right.

In Internet language, spam refers to people who post on blogs and forums and other social media, or send emails, for the sole purpose of selling something--usually unrelated in content to the place to where they are sending it. On forums, they often give one-liners that do not have much substance, like, "I really enjoyed this post," or "Thanks for the info," and so forth. They always come with a link to a place to where they can get money if you buy or fill out forms. More clever ones make 3 or 4 garbage posts like that before including links.

Spammers use automated programs to send this low quality stuff to literally millions of people at a time.

In the case of the spammer you quoted, that person was from Hanoi. I checked it. I removed the link in your quote, but kept the text since it was a thought you expanded on.

If you see links in a post like "Watch movies online free" or "Cheapest student loans" or "Free porn"or whatever, please do not quote it. If you do, instead of running my own automated programs to get rid of the junk, I have to go around, read the responses and edit them by hand so I can alter the texts and get rid of the links. If I keep the links, they even have sniffers that will detect these links and make them come back--since it worked once, they presume it will work again.

Michael

[caroljane]

Dennis and Michael, thank you for the information. I'm sorry I caused you extra work, Michael.

I knew the term spam but somehow made a connection of "Spam and Cheese", taking it to mean a boring or banal post. Such as is never found on OL!

[Michael Stuart Kelly]

Summer,

I finally got around to looking at this. Here are some ideas for you to chew on.

But first let me congratulate you on a very good draft. You show a lot of talent and I believe you should continue writing, then write some more, then when you are tired, do even more writing.

By the way, did I say you should continue writing?

Now for the not so pleasant part. Please accept these observations as advice which you are free to accept or reject at your will. And know that they are given in the same spirit.

1. Let's first get a technical formatting part out of the way. When you write for the Internet, there are some things you can do to ensure that more people read your stuff. In the case of your draft--as posted here on OL (I haven't seen anything you've done elsewhere so far)--there are two very easy things you can do right off the bat: (1) Put a blank line between each paragraph, and (2) Make smaller paragraphs.

Frankly, your mountain of text in one block is the main reason I have not read your excerpt until now. And even then, I copy-pasted it to a word processor and formatted a 12 point space after each paragraph.

Do you think this is quibbling? Actually it is not. There's a great deal of study on the difference between eye movements reading from a computer screen as opposed to reading from a printed page. (Here's a start if you are interested: Eyetracking Research, "Findings from Nielsen Norman Group's usability studies using eye tracking technology.")

If you are concerned that you will use longer paragraphs when your stuff is in book form, that's easy to get around. Break the paragraphs up for Internet use when you are providing excerpts like here, then restore the long paragraphs when you go back to your final draft.

I believe this is a good idea for another reason, too. It would force you to not let your paragraphs meander all over, but instead keep them confined to chunks of information that have beginning, middle and end.

2. I read a few people concerned with your wordiness. I'm not so bothered by this. It's a stylistic thing and you are still finding your voice. (Don't expect to fully find it until you have written a few books, or the equivalent of a few.) I believe your use of colorful adjectives is part of your approach, so I think you should do more as exercises at times--just to see how much you can pull off before it gets boring and incoherent. It's good to learn your limits and the best way to learn them is by doing.

3. The part I have the largest problem with is your progression of events. You tend to start something, then interrupt it, then go back to it, etc. Some of this is necessary, of course, because you need to get information across, but what I detect in your excerpt is a manner of doing it in order to make implied (or not-so-implied) editorial value judgments or philosophical positions.

There is nothing wrong with having strong convictions and wishing to portray them, but you have to set them up properly to make them come off with impact instead of quick asides that hinder the flow of your story.

Here's a good rule I try to follow in my own writing (not always in my earlier stuff, though, since I had not figured it out at that time). Learn how to think in sequences of complete mini-stories. In other words, a mini-story will have a main character (or thing), a progression of that character (or thing) from one point to another through time and/or space, interaction between the character (or thing) with other characters or elements (or thinking about interacting), and some emotional coloring--from the main character's point of view every time it is possible (which will help a lot with getting implied value judgments across).

Do you need to reread that to understand it? Sorry. My fault. I could have been more compact, but I'm in a hurry right now. (I will be putting this stuff into a method later, so I will rework it then.)

Anyway, if you can do all of these things within a small passage, you have a complete mini-story. Notice the mini-story does not have to resolve. It shouldn't, in fact, since you need suspense to keep the reader turning the pages.

Now here's the part where this can help you a great deal. Do not include anything within a mini-story from any other focus than your main character's concerns as he or she progresses from one point to another. (This often means point of view, but not always.) This is a great default position to practice. Then you can intersperse static descriptions, speeches, etc., between these mini-stories. Obviously, you will interconnect the static parts to story-lines to make the flow organic, but I hope you see what I mean.

btw - Ayn Rand does this stuff beautifully. Try to read her thinking about this.

Here's an example from your work where mini-story thinking would help a lot. Start with the passage, "They met this way to relax..." and continue to the end at "Have faith." When I am reading the first paragraph of this passage, I think there is going to be some kind of interesting thing happening between Alex and Amber. In my expectations as a reader at that moment, I imagine Amber moving in the following manner for the flashback that started as she is checking Alex out: Amber is doing something (maybe with others) --> Alex appears, but seen through Amber's eyes --> They interact in some manner --> Amber is affected, probably becoming more fascinated with him.

Instead, we get a group of kids discoursing on philosophy and only that, with small touches showing how they are different.

Do you see how the philosophical comments could be injected into the mini-story as part of the flow? Here's just one approach (and maybe not even the best since it is coming off the top of my head): As the bromides are given by the other kids, they seem to bounce off Amber, who is in a daze and trying to recover from her impression of Alex. So she has to say, "Huh?" and things like that to indicate that she simply didn't hear it.

I don't have time to go into all the different parts of your excerpt, but hopefully this will give you food for thought.

3. Mostly finish your passages with suspense. You should only finish with a strong value judgment when you come to the end of a major section. Too many full stops bore readers.

Suspense is not that hard. Make it clear that your main character (or reader) expects something, then finish the small passage (mini-story) with something different happening. Or you can fulfill the character's expectations, but something worse suddenly comes up right at that moment.

There are some more tricks to this, but if you can get these two down as a habit, you will have solved 99% of suspense worries.

4. Use internal questions a lot. This even comes from a bit of neuroscience. The brain automatically seeks answers when a question is asked. That's just how we humans are wired. So it makes sense to use this in fiction. Here's an example (once again, not the best, but I am writing in a hurry.) If you do the following (like you did), it's not bad:

Amber recognized the speaker as Alyssa...

Now how about prefacing that with a question?

Who was it who spoke? Amber looked around. She vaguely recognized the voice. Oh... it was Alyssa.

There are other reasons--ones that touch on interest and philosophy, too.

Interest: When you ask internal questions and answer them, you imitate the way we think. This gets you inside a person's head and helps him see the "inner movie" of your action.

Philosophy: Romanticism, according to Rand's definition, is art based on volition. If you have to make a choice, you are exercising volition. When you ask a question, you are automatically implying different alternatives and when the questioner answers, he or she is making a choice. Thus, you show a choice being made. You don't just talk about it.

5. Don't be afraid of who, what, when, where, why and how. You only need to keep this information from the reader when you have a specific reason in mind (like a mystery character).

For instance, in your excerpt, when you started a new section ("The Lord said to love thy neighbor as you would yourself..."), you did not say who is talking. As we go along, we get the idea that it is in "the church" and this implies some preacher or other. This kind of vagueness at this point does not serve your flow. The more specific you can make things here (which church? who is the preacher? etc.), the better. The reader can then situate himself in an easily imagined location to watch the action unfold.

6. In my mini-stories, I like to make an emotional progression from one state to another along with the action. If the character is insecure, then move him to greater security by letting him realize something. If the character is arrogant, move him to outright hatred or--maybe to be more Randian--indifference. And so on. Obviously, you can--and should--use a fractal manner by moving your character through an emotional progression on a mega-level, too. This is often called a character arc. I like to use chronic emotions for the arc and acute emotions for the mini-stories (and social emotions for the mini-stories, too). This makes your writing really, really interesting.

btw - Here are some meanings:

Chronic emotion = mood or medium to long term emotions (where a person hangs out emotionally)

Acute emotion = temporary emotions that usually come and go with events

Social emotion = the emotions we show others, like a mask.

Here's an exercise for you. Read Rand looking for how she handles emotion. First try to mark out a mini-story passage, then notice the emotion at the beginning and then at the end. Then try to see if something changed. This won't always be the case, but it often will. (Be careful, you can get addicted to this once the "ah ha" moment happens.)

7. I kinda like your play on the Sedona method.

That's enough for now. I could go on all day since I love this stuff, but I have a life, too.

Once again, congratulations on your talent. Good luck with your efforts and, as Rand would say, good premises.

Michael