The question of being satisfied without romance


ValueChaser

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Revised excerpt from my journal entry dated August 12, 2009

When it comes to my romantic expectations, I want to be a free individual. This state is possible because there is no ethical "law" that I observe within my mind--or that is dictated by the universe--which requires that I participate in a romantic relationship in order to fulfill a life of simple contentment. All I observe are physical and/or sexual desires and the hope of being psychologically intimate with somebody, someday; I realize that I want to meet both of these needs. But these needs do not "determine" anyone to take volitional steps in the direction of relating to another person based on standards of physical attraction, and, more importantly, the wider arena of romantic attraction, of which physical attraction is a mere part. Therefore, I have as much freedom to keep my dreams of romantic attraction private, as has the outgoing dater who is actively engaged in a proper romance with a partner, so long as I am justified in withdrawing into a life of simple contentment when it comes to romance.

But am I really thus justified?

If there is no universal "law" that demands the satisfaction of romantic feeling, I am left to conclude that romance serves no practical purpose in what I call "simple survival" and its resulting contentment, and that it is an option one takes only if one's goal is impassioned happiness in a romantic life. Attaining a range of joy is a task that is shared by daters and celibates alike. Does it fundamentally matter which level of the range one is on, so long as one is living?

If one is living on the lower level of contentment, which connotes a state of simple joys, and if one is justifiably failing in trying to find a romantic partner, the achievement of whom would raise him to the level of impassioned happiness, I propose that one is not self-destructing. (The key phrase here is "justifiably failing." Do there not exist a number of hypotheticals that justify "failure" to achieve a romantic partner?) A life of simple joys may consist of a succession of swimming on a tropical beaches, enjoying barbecues, reading novels; and such an individual may frequently touch the highest level of joy (i.e. impassioned happiness) when working at one's valued form of productive activity, among other fulfillments of key Objectivist virtues.

All pleasurable emotions are signs that one is living life as one ought to live (excluding emotions that derive from substance-taking, since these emotions are splintered and do not completely signal a well-lived life by themselves). I do say that romance can be optional in achieving a life of joy, given certain circumstances. All pleasurable activities that enhance life are essential activities of survival. Sure, I can choose not to be in a romance and still find different pleasures, enjoy other things, and be as much as a surviving person as the dater.

[end of revised journal entry]

But currently, I don't want to make that choice. I used to want to make that choice when I was failing in my romantic pursuits through online dating boards. Recently I have found another way to approach people and talk to them. I plan to employ it when I am in the company of someone I'd like to get to know; and when I am in the appropriate atmosphere of getting to know them personally.

--John

Edited by ValueChaser
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John,

I can see that you are in a place of deep introspection, and I respect you for the soul searching you are doing. The thoughts you are having now are perhaps some of the most important, most personally-valuable and self-defining thoughts you will have in your life. I see you are constructing your character, a deeply personal endeavor, and I admire your sharing it.

In terms of your conflict presented here, there is nothing wrong with not seeking a romantic partner at present. Romantic relationships are a very intense emotional aspect to life. They are certainly important if you want to expand the domain of your experience and live life more fully. On the flip side, a need for a romantic relationship should not negatively overwhelm the other wonderful experiences life has to offer. One harmful thing a person can do is look at the glass half empty (what's missing) rather than half full (what you have). It is my experience that one should aim to be happy with what one has before one seeks a romantic relationship. Better to connect with your experience and value your experience and yourself than to impulsively seek out something more because society tells you it's important.

Think of what romance is: a connection between two people of shared values. Think of how you know your personal values: through awareness to your inner experience. So romance could be enjoying the bbq, enjoying sunny days, then finding someone who enjoys the same things and wanting to share those things together.

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John,

It looks as though your glass is very full (to continue Chris' metaphor), and that's what another full-glass person is going to see. That's the one worth waiting for.

(Two full- glass people? I'm going too far with this.)

Oh well,

Cheers!

Tony

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Here's a tangent. To even have a glass that is half-full, and to conceptualize it as a half-full glass, means that one is acknowledging the unfilled space in the glass. . .while regarding that unfilled space as unimportant, and the water as important. But if you try to keep your glass full, and you succeed, you don't need to go through the effort of regarding what is and what is not important, since all there is is good. There is nothing there to even consider unimportant. There is no lack to even have to call unimportant in the first place.

Our glasses can be full without a romantic partner. The only thing a romantic partner adds to the glass is more water, which spills over with extra goodness.

--John

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  • 1 month later...

As to the means by which you fulfill your happiness are clearly within your rights, don't be taken in by the notion of 'great romantics' and their 'Romeo and Juliet, happily ever after scenario'... However, I think the reason we need a partner or look for one is to have at least one another like you, who will affirm your stand and implicitly or explicitly state that "You are not alone in what you hold to be good and ideal, I do too." or even better, you can say that to yourself: "I am not alone in this... someone else sees what I see too."

I'm making deep thoughts now to persons who says "I love you"... It would implicitly take everything into account: your character, values, actions, etc. words upon words upon descriptions summed up, condensed into those three words. It's the Affirmation. The 'Yes' we look forward to in every endeavor that we take. This is why, the emotion of joy comes someone proposes marriage (or a lifetime of commitment) when their partner says, "Yes" because that means that your efforts to achieve that which you value, your partner, has not been in vain. It is to say implicitly, "This is what I have to offer, do we have a deal?" It is the ultimate trade.

Edited by David Lee
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  • 9 months later...

When it happens, you won't be asking questions in your journal.

Sure as the sunrise

pure as a prayer

You fashioned hope

right out of thin air

Every dream I abandoned

seems it could come true

I believe in miracles

there's no one like you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft79ruh3G2o

Look into my eyes, you will see

What you mean to me

Search your heart, search your soul

And when you find me there, you'll search no more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGoWtY_h4xo

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When it happens, you won't be asking questions in your journal.

Sure as the sunrise

pure as a prayer

You fashioned hope

right out of thin air

Every dream I abandoned

seems it could come true

I believe in miracles

there's no one like you

Look into my eyes, you will see

What you mean to me

Search your heart, search your soul

And when you find me there, you'll search no more

Gag me with a spoon.

Ba'al Chatzaf

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Gag me with a spoon.

Gag me with a cheerleader! You gotta live full tilt, full bore. After I went back to school to complete the degrees I never needed when all you had to do was work hard and be smart, my brother returned also. When he graduated with his baccalaureate, I sent him

.

There's nothing waiting for you but the dirt, Robert. Live now.

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There's nothing waiting for you but the dirt, Robert. Live now.

Only two possible endings: ashes or worms.

Ba'al Chatzaf

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