William's Diary

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Papa is still fuming. I have warned Bea and Eug to keep their heads down, tricky as Bea wants to know when she can announce her engagement. What can I say with Papa roaring, "Royal wedding ha, ha, 12th in line and who is going to pay for it, let her father find some country church, he has enough socked away from his bloody travels"... oh, dear, I feel quit torn and I admit I have not talked to Dave in days although he is a really good sort. Maybe they will elope.. that would be romantic but I suppose Papa would not wear that either.

Perplexedly,

W.

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Oh, dear. Have just heard from Dave (Clark, not Beckham), and he wants to have a man to man chat about getting Cold Feet as he says he thinks I will understand! Will I never be allowed to forget that interruption in my perfect relationship with dearest K? At least by someone apart from dearest K?

Getting cold feet about cousin Bea, however, if I am objective I can understand. I find her a bit unnerving myself. She just listens so avidly, and looks at one an d laughs and flings her hair about, but she does not say very much that one could call conversation. Also Dave is fed up with persuading celebrities to book flights to Mars, he says their demands are impossible and it is no good Sir Richard saying be creative, there is no way to ethically promise private hot tubs on an extraterrestrial vehicle.

I suppose it is flattering to be looked upon as a "Dutch Uncle" by Dave in this way but I am not all that much older than he is and I think I will just tell him to bite the bullet.

Note, must ask Cousin R about those Mars flights...maybe keep my pilot hand in?

Ich dien,

William

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Can it possibly be five years since I put this journal into my spare Air Rescue Uniform (not that I think anyone would read a private diary, especially Dear K, but better not to leave it lying around) and forgot where I had put it. I do not mind confiding that for days - weeks - I was terrified of it showing up somewhere inappropriate, like the News of the World, and did not trust myself to write anything personal!  And now there is no News of the World and nothing personal I could ever write would interest anyone, except my relatives and those strange Luminous people who think we are in league with Satan and some businessman called Soros, or perhaps they are the same person.

Looking over my last few entries, how well everything has resolved itself!  Here I am, a father of three, and this time I put my foot down and insisted that K come home to KP instead of haring straight to her mother's again.  Many of those original Middletons and neighbours who infested the house after Georgie's birth have acquired spouses and in-laws , all ardent monarchists of course,  and Bucklebury was simply unlivable after Charlotte. Actually, when I did mention to K that we now have two perfectly good homes with staffs sitting around with nothing to do most of the time.... she immediately caught my drift, and when I gave her the diamond and emerald necklace as  a baby present, she told one of the maids to unpack  the country wardrobe and prepare for London. How our minds and hearts are still as one!  

And now Harry is also as lucky, and soon will be united with his chosen bride.  I don't think that after their first baby, she will go  to her mother's even.

Sometimes I think the Spares have all the luck.

It's so jolly to see these dear old lined pages again!

Ich dien,

William

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

I have just received the strangest communication from David Seaman and,  do not know what to make of it.

First I should say that it came in an odd way, not through regular channels although he knows he could always reach me through the FA or indeed through KP staff who are all fans. But apparently this missive was actually stuffed into the pocket  of one of the Beefeaters at the Tower of London, if you can credit that!  A small person, thought at the time to be a child, approached the soldier as children do, and when he looked down  , he felt a wad of paper being wedged between his halberk and his hat!  Before he could even react, the perpetrator (captured on the phone of a Myanmar tourist) ran through the exit and simply disappeared after that.

Well, you can imagine the kerfuffle.  Once it was determined it was just paper with no powder or enclosures,  all the tourists there on Gallows Green had to be interrogated, but nobody had noticed the "child" except the Myanmari tourist. Who does not speak English.  Or any of the other main languages of Myanmar, but some obscure tribal tongue  which few people speak even in Myanmar itself.  Well, not to be long-winded as good old Det. Doplew was when he explained, when they finally found and flew in an interpreter, the witness was unshakeable in not knowing anything about the appearance of the little person.  He just noticed him as a blur coming across his camera, while he was filming Gallows Green. He was interested to see how it would compare with the various gallows in Myanmar.

Oh NO! Not Louis again-- fine, it is my shift, but it would be nice if someone around here appreciated that I gave up flying around the beaches to do a job which we have three or four really well-paid people already to do - oh, I'm coming for heaven's sakes!

In haste Ich  dien,

William

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

As I was saying when I was so rudely interrupted, ha,ha, the Seaman problem is very perplexing and although I cannot do anything of course while the proper authorities investigate,  cannot help but worry, he is such a hero of mine and an MBE.! I got off school especially to be at his investiture . And he can't be that old-- why would he write such a peculiar letter?Asking me to disregard the public things he said, about not wanting to know about my baby and seeming anti-monarchist . What things? He sent me a lovely silver cup for each child -an FA cup of course!

And saying his wife would love to go to Harry's wedding, it would be very, and he emphasized VERY, important for the world's future!

M15 have taken away the letter but it is hard to forget.

Perhaps there will be developments soon. 

Maybe they will inform me of them before the whole sodding rest of the world knows.

Ich dien if I can.,

William

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Whew!  The Seaborn thing was simply a name mixup.  It was just another David Seaman, some poor American not quite right in the head whose wife is afflicted with Meghan-mania. And the "child" appeared to be the man himself! crouching and dodging, and apparently he is quite short, but still quite a feat of athleticism. I wonder if when he comes out of the hospital he could get some  rehabilitation therapy by volunteering for the Invictus Games. Must ask Harry.

But not yet!  There is no approaching him these days. I am sure I was never so nervous before my wedding . I simply fixed my mind on memorizing, "I, William Charles Arthur George...." and if I felt nerves coming on, simply tried what our old Eton tutor advised, to imagine all the guests in the Abbey without clothes on (except Granny, of course!). I will say only to you, dear Diary, that it was a good thing that Victoria Beckham was eight months pregnant at the time and therefore not thinkable about! Ho, ho.

 

Ich dien,

William

[Peter]

I am glad to see the royals are not marrying for money or position and then taking mistresses for a good time, like in olden days. Of course I have doubts about anyone who marries a royal. Are they out to get a better "position" in life and to become royals themselves?

I wonder if Harry is getting any "inter-racial feedback" from your average Brit. You know, the ones who chanted gorilla and chimp noises when that African soccer team came to play, a few years ago? Megan seems like a nice lady, though her blond half sister can't stand her.    

[caroljane]

44 minutes ago, Peter said:

I am glad to see the royals are not marrying for money or position and then taking mistresses for a good time, like in olden days. Of course I have doubts about anyone who marries a royal. Are they out to get a better "position" in life and to become royals themselves?

I wonder if Harry is getting any "inter-racial feedback" from your average Brit. You know, the ones who chanted gorilla and chimp noises when that African soccer team came to play, a few years ago? Megan seems like a nice lady, though her blond half sister can't stand her.    

Peter,  the Brit royals have never had to marry for money, let alone for position (king is like, high as position used to get) for at least 400 years. You must be thinking of  the aristocracy. who have sold themselves at auction for centuries when their estates were impoverished by gambling fiend heirs, general spendthrifts, plain bad historical luck, and taxes in the last century.

I remember the soccer incident. Soccer yobs,lager louts, violent racist gangs are unfortunately a small feature of British life, but not yet dominant.

 

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Luckily K has taken Charlotte with her to her fitting for her wedding outfit, as she says it is never too soon to watch and learn, and George is on an extended "time-out" for trying to suspend Louis up in the bed curtains whilst singing, "Rockabye baby, in the treetops". The curtains do have decorative cloth of gold leaves and branches, but this is not the kind of imagination we wish to encourage.

I have had an urgent call from cousin Bea, and after I told her how amazing she looked in purple at the Met gala (dear K gave me the "head's up"}. she came to the point. Did I notice she had no escort to speak of for the Gala? (No,  why would I?) Did I notice she has had no escort to speak of since she amicably parted from Dave, that unspeakable snake and waster of the best years of her life?)  Now she only has her younger sister's wedding to look forward to!

Oh, dear. It emerged she wants, in her words, a "hot, eligible date" for Harry's wedding's "afterparty."

Why ask  me? And isn't she a little long in the tooth for hot and eligible? Suitable and substantial - more the ticket, surely. Not that I can think of anyone like that either.

Maybe Meghan's pal knows some possible Canadians.

Any port in a storm.

Ich dien,

William

[Peter]

I was watching a documentary on the new soon to be 'royal' last night and it showed how exquisite her butt was in one famous shot when she was carrying the trail end of a wedding dress. That reminded me of those naughty shots when another current Princess's dress was hiked up around her behind. Whoa, Dude! Perfection! So I reiterate: these guys are marrying for love . . .  or sex . . . or both.

[caroljane]

Peter, it is heartening to know that an OL member reads the Diary, let alone remembers old posts on it (that image you remember was posted by dearly-remembered Adam).

On the other hand, do you ever wonder if you are becoming something of a dirty old man?

Just saying,... in the interests of full and frank communication.

 

I do realize that I have opened the door to any Loud and Proud Dirty Old Men to assail me with videos of Trump's convo with Billy Bush. Such is the lot of an anachronistic satirical wannabe.

[caroljane]

Now I feel bad for being too flippant to a loyal reader! And your observation that the House of Windsor is now marrying for love, or sex, is quite right. It started with William and I think the Harry wedding proves, among other things, that the Firm (as QEII refers to the family business of Being Royal) has lasted so long because they learn from their mistakes. Not willingly nor quickly, but they learn.

The abdication of Edward VIII need never have happened, but for the resistance of Churchill and especially, the hatred of the Windsors for Mrs. Simpson. Poor old Wallis did not really want to be queen, either. It all turned out for the best - David would have been a wretched king, although Wallis could probably have advised him sensibly.

Charles chose his wife under the influence of his  mother, grandmother (chief hater of Wallis) and his feared father, and never considered marrying  his first love because she was not a virgin,  and he had a lot more women to sample before he had to settle down. We all know how that turned out.

William was encouraged , or at least allowed, to test the extreme lengths of compatibility for a decade,  resulting in an apparently happy marriage.

Enter Rachel Meghan, American divorcee three years older than Harry, who ticks a lot of boxes - diversity-Commonwealth-religious (Episcopal bishop to speak at wedding)- emotional (combining huge competence and confidence with utter physical beauty).  She will never be a queen, but she will generate tourist dollars from places we have never even heard of. And though she decided to be British only, through her heritage, her Windsor children will be  true citizens of the world

 

[Peter]

I say what I think, and I sometimes regret it. This whole royal wedding thing? Will the new Potter film be called,  "Harry and the half blood princess?" 

[caroljane]

4 hours ago, Peter said:

I say what I think, and I sometimes regret it. This whole royal wedding thing? Will the new Potter film be called,  "Harry and the half blood princess?" 

Well. I suppose that quote was hard to resist.

Incidentally, the Brit royals are tardy to the party as to diversifying their bloodstock;  the Danish Spare, Prince Joachim,  has already married and divorced a half-Chinese, half-British beauty, now remarried and styled Countess Alexandra.   Danes are pretty good at keeping their thrones when all about them are losing theirs -- it is the oldest continous Christian monarchy in Europe.

[Peter]

I wonder what the Royals would think of your noble posts about them? In a way it is a shame some people are royals. It must be as bad for them as it is for the children of a Hollywood star: always scrutinized, great expectations, shame when they do poorly, and they are at a loss without their "positions" and unearned money.  I wonder if the newlyweds will move to rural or beachfront California and ignore the spotlight? I would.   

[caroljane]

On 5/11/2018 at 6:10 PM, caroljane said:

Dear Diary,

Luckily K has taken Charlotte with her to her fitting for her wedding outfit, as she says it is never too soon to watch and learn, and George is on an extended "time-out" for trying to suspend Louis up in the bed curtains whilst singing, "Rockabye baby, in the treetops". The curtains do have decorative cloth of gold leaves and branches, but this is not the kind of imagination we wish to encourage.

I have had an urgent call from cousin Bea, and after I told her how amazing she looked in purple at the Met gala (dear K gave me the "head's up"}. she came to the point. Did I notice she had no escort to speak of for the Gala? (No,  why would I?) Did I notice she has had no escort to speak of since she amicably parted from Dave, that unspeakable snake and waster of the best years of her life?)  Now she only has her younger sister's wedding to look forward to!

Oh, dear. It emerged she wants, in her words, a "hot, eligible date" for Harry's wedding's "afterparty."

Why ask  me? And isn't she a little long in the tooth for hot and eligible? Suitable and substantial - more the ticket, surely. Not that I can think of anyone like that either.

Maybe Meghan's pal knows some possible Canadians.

Any port in a storm.

Ich dien,

William

In continuation to the last,  the Canadians have arrived, at the same time as Sir Elton to practise for his performance; and it turns out Sir E's husband David is an old friend of the Mulroneys!  So I did not hesitate to mention Cousin Bea's problem to them. 

I thought B might carry through on her threat to go home with her mother after the wedding, so as to not see her sister,  she said, "doting on a man whose own grandmother told the press he wasn't very bright!"

"Well," I retorted, "Our own grandmother has said that of us enough times. I notice you did not ask to be escorted by a neuroscientist to Papa's party. And before you start, it is not my fault he would not invite your mother. You know he never invites her anywhere."

"I will go to the party to represent her. I am not afraid of Uncle Charles, the rotten bully he is being!  Even if I have to play gooseberry to Eug., or worse, go with Father!"

"Now see here, Beatrice," I cried.

I could not think of anything to follow up with, so it is a good thing the door opened and Meghan and the Mulroneys entered with Sir E.

"Well, your Royal Highness, how would you like to meet a fine Canadian musician who's single and world-famous?" beamed the OBE. "I have worked with him and will vouch that he will behave like a perfect gentleman with you, as well as being a very "hip" date!"

"Oh!!" shrieked Beatrice, "Ohh, no, could it be--Justin Bieber?!!! Ohhh..."

[Peter]

Excerpts from Reader’s Digest online. The One Food the Royal Family Can’t Eat While Traveling by Kiersten Hickman  11 hrs ago

 . . . . Although seafood is delicious, there tends to be a higher chance for food poisoning or sickness from seafood. Since the royal family is lined up for thousands of engagements throughout the year, it only makes sense that they would want to stay their healthiest for those public appearances. Seafood, particularly shellfish, will certainly increase the chances for food sickness.

According to an article published by BBC, the royal family also avoids foods that could create 'gastronomic indisposition.' Along with avoiding shellfish, they try to stay away from rare meat, foreign water, and any food that is too exotic or spicy. However, this has not stopped Queen Elizabeth from trying something adventurous every now and then. But no matter what the Queen eats, anyone dining with her must follow these two rules! end quote

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Telling Cousin Bea that her date would be Drake, and not that BBC person, was the last happy moment I have had, once we explained who Drake was and his excellent Commonwealth biracial grooves. Soon we were all in media lockdown (not that is any different from ordinary life if you ask me, and hoorah for it).  Something has gone haywire with poor Meghan's papa (and he does not look terribly fit in photos) and Harry has gone out and engaged another paparazzi in a fistfight (he won, of course, although the paparazzo was actually photographing Princess Michael and Lady Gabriella Windsor with their consent) -- luckily he is a freelancer from Russia and does not speak English.

On that note, that Seaman person and the interpreter we flew in to interpret the Myanmari witness to his crime, and the Myanmari witness himself, are all refusing to go home, or be extradited, until after the wedding, and the American says if his wife cannot go to the wedding it will be an international crime.

Although none of these detainees have any internet access here, apparently their supporters abroad just make up whatever they want. Already someone has "tweeted" Seaman subjected to mind control and brainwashing in British prison".  But the warder swears up and down he only asked the prisoner if he wanted one or two sugars in his tea.

Apparently "tea" is a code word to people like Seaman --I do hope there are not many.

Ich dien,

William

 

 

[Peter]

Egad! The coverage on American Telly starts at 4 in the morning, Saturday. I think I will sleep in, and then keep the channel changer in my hand at all times, to avoid the pomp.  

[caroljane]

Very wise choice Peter. Pomp-avoidance is an inherent American virtue, except if it refers in short to pompadour, especially in orange shades,  which must be rejoiced in wherever they are found, as they are homages to the Ideal,

Plato, from cave

[KorbenDallas]

 

[caroljane]

19 hours ago, KorbenDallas said:

 

So brilliant. Reminds me of the best improv show ever., the original British Whose Line after Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles came on, when they did impromptu dubbing in foreign languages.

[caroljane]

3 minutes ago, caroljane said:

So brilliant. Reminds me of the best improv show ever., the original British Whose Line after Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles came on, when they did impromptu dubbing from foreign languages.

 

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

Phew! I have hardly had a moment to take pen in hand since good old Harry's send-off on honeymoon. Who could have thought  it would be so sticky with our tropical friends, simply because Megs is American and they are according to them at "trade war" with her president?  I could personally attest, that  is if anyone would ask me, that she did not vote for him because she told me so, having been American at that time although she confided that living in Canada for all that time she simply did not notice all the political  fuss in the US in 2016. She had a very heavy storyline  with many pages of dialogue to learn and when she heard who was elected she had to look him up on Wikipedia.

Now she and Harry are in Canada just as I and Kate were. and how well I remember our honeymoon and its joys, and I do envy Harry that he does not have to worry about Trying, you know what I mean Diary, day in and day out and just can watch movies or swim all day long and then have a jolly old nap.  But knowing him  as I do Harry could do all of the  above , really sometimes I do think our royal prerogatives can be negative as well as positive.. I say, that sounds rather well.. I must ask Stephen Fry if I should start writing my own speeches.

Ich dien,

William

[caroljane]

Dear Diary,

The post-wedding letdown is still going on, as I should have anticipated , even if it was not my own wedding.  First I had to hear the various complaints (and hear them, and hear them again) first from  the Yorks.  Beatrice complaining that her  date ignored her and spent most of the evening huddled with the Canadians talking about some basketball team. Then Aunt Sarah fulminatng against that American actor , whatshisname who married Amal Alamuddin. He was very tipsy, she claimed, and asked her to dance stating that he intended to "Start with the Duchesses and work his way down", positively batting his eyes, which she said had mascara on them.  How did such people get invited? And then of course the photo of her that appeared the next day, in which she appeared as a "dead ringer" for Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served".  I used to watch reruns of that show with Papa,and I must admit the captioning was accurate n this case, although unkind.

Now dear K has gone to Bucklebury to recuperate and I am holding the fort with only one nanny, and there is hardly a momen't s peace and at the moment I would like to advise Harry that a honeymoon baby might not be the best idea..Charlotte, Papa is writing ..writing, you know, like texting only without a phone..no don't touch that, Charlotte! Get down at once!...

Ich...