sayings from a wise man


jts

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1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy .
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

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The sarcastic side of me must point out that some of these are not, in fact, sayings, but questions instead.

Also, am I the only one annoyed by this speed of dark question? Darkness isn't a substantive thing, it's a (relatively low) quantity of one—light. So isn't it nonsense to consider it having a speed? Can quantities of things have attributes in themselves? I think not. If you really wanted to place a number on it though, wouldn't it just be the same as that of light?

JJ

Noticing I have a huge habit of just asking a ton of questions... Curious...

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Some of them are OK, but I get tired when reading lists of jokes.

I think this has to do with the storytelling innate in our brains. We crave more than quips and punchlines.

Take any one of those one-liners above and set it up right, give it the right timing, maybe more meanings than it has as standalone, and even bring something from the setup back at the end and it would be charming.

Take the first, for example. From the top of my head:

Before becoming president, Obama was walking along a beach one day and saw an ancient brass lantern. When he picked it up and brushed it off, out came a Genie.

"Master, I can grant you three wishes."

Obama thought. He said, "All right. I wish I were President of the USA."

"Master, this shall come to pass. Make your plans and run for office. You shall be elected."

"Run? What do you mean run? Aren't you supposed to snap your fingers and make it happen? Now I have to wait? I wish I knew if you were telling the truth."

The Genie said, "I must make things happen naturally if they are to impact the world. But I can take you to the future instantly, show you that you will be president and bring you back since that will not change others. So come with me for your second wish."

He clapped his hands and a Persian rug appeared under Obama. It lifted him off the ground as the Genie got on and off they went.

They traveled the future America far and wide on the magic carpet. They saw the Solyndra scandal as the news talked about how this would affect President Obama's administration, the failure of the Healthcare.gov website, the IRS admitting to targeting Tea Party groups, the country getting mad at Obama for NSA spying on everyone, one scandal after another.

Obama looked at the Genie and asked, "These are bad things that will happen when I am president? At least there will be no American blood spilled since I want to end wars, not fight them."

The Genie said, "Master. Not so fast. We are not done with our journey."

They flew over the Fort Hood massacre, the bombing of the Boston marathon, drones attacking overseas and killing women and children in addition to terrorists, Operation Fast and Furious guns killing Mexican and American people, the Benghazi debacle, veterans dying from a defective health care system in the VA mess, race riots, and ISIS beheading Americans on TV. The name "President Obama" kept being mentioned on the news in all this.

Obama was horrified. "This is awful. I'm a man of peace, not violence. OK. Enough. I believe you that I will become president, but I will not allow these things to happen. You'll see. I'll get the Nobel Peace Prize when I'm through. That's what I really want."

They started going back to the beach in the past as the magic carpet slowly disappeared. "That is your third wish? The Nobel Peace Prize?"

Obama couldn't contain his irritation. "You better believe it. I'd kill for The Nobel Peace Prize."

Right before the Genie evaporated, he said, "And so it shall be. Just not in that order."

:smile:

Michael

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