How to become psychologically healthy?

[dldelancey]

Peter,

JTS does make a good point, even though I think he takes it a bit too far. Along those lines, it is definitely worth getting a physical checkup. First, it's just good practice, even though you are young, to get in the habit of having regular wellness and preventative maintenance visits with a medical professional. Given your obsessive nature, it may even be a plus. Mark that set of worries off your list, so to speak. Second, if there's any doubt or question about your feelings having a physical origin, you can address that. Believe it or not, I once was treated for depression when in fact, I was suffering from mononucleosis!

Now, stop comparing yourself to others. Yes, I have absolutely met people who seem to have it all together. I've even been mistaken for that type of person, and there's the rub. You're probably mistaken about those people. Nobody has it all together. Everybody's got something, some fear, some neurosis, some tic, some worry, something. There is nothing new under the sun, and you are not alone in feeling out of whack.

There is something truly monumental that you have going for you, and that is self-awareness. The fact that you can articulate your own nature and are questioning the "rightness" of it means that you've already achieved a level of emotional intelligence that a lot of people never even know they are missing. Good for you!

Talking to girls... well, again, nothing new under the sun. A 24-year-old who is uncomfortable talking to girls seems perfectly natural and normal. Thing is, you probably really don't have much to talk to girls about. There's two solutions to that. 1) Don't talk about yourself. Talk about her. Ask lots of questions. Let her talk. Be interested in her. 2) Go do some stuff! Experience things. Read something, learn something, do something you've never done before. It won't take long until you have lots to talk about. (I'll add a bonus tip here - stop worrying about your worthiness and start thinking about her worthiness.)

There's nothing wrong with being serious-minded. There's not even anything wrong with being obsessive assuming we're not talking about an actual disorder. There's nothing wrong with sometimes feeling unworthy or a little lost. Perhaps your anxiety and stress are a symptom of not accepting that these things are okay. The next step after self-awareness is self-acceptance.

[anthony]

Yes! Especially the self-awareness part, if that's in place all the rest can follow.

[Selene]

Peter:

My feeling is that you are taking steps to get a handle on certain stressors.

How many siblings do you have, or, are you an only child?

What did your parents do professionally? Did they have an intact marriage, or, are they divorced?

Finally, I get the sense that you are not pleased with what you are studying at the university. What are you gearing yourself for in terms of a degree?

What makes you exstatic?

My apologies for judging you to quickly, however, we have had some trolling that made me overreact to you.

A,,,

[Nerian]

Peter:

My feeling is that you are taking steps to get a handle on certain stressors.

How many siblings do you have, or, are you an only child?

What did your parents do professionally? Did they have an intact marriage, or, are they divorced?

Finally, I get the sense that you are not pleased with what you are studying at the university. What are you gearing yourself for in terms of a degree?

What makes you exstatic?

My apologies for judging you to quickly, however, we have had some trolling that made me overreact to you.

A,,,

Thank you for your interest. Perhaps I should do an introduction thread.

My history is a tad complex. I have 2 half sisters and 3 half brothers. 2 of my brothers share a different mother from me. 1 brother, and 1 sister share a different father from me. And 1 sister has a different father from me and from the others. However, I was not raised with them. Firstly, most of them are much older than me, and secondly I was in foster care at the age of 5.

"What did your parents do professionally? Did they have an intact marriage, or, are they divorced?

Finally, I get the sense that you are not pleased with what you are studying at the university. What are you gearing yourself for in terms of a degree?"

Since I was in foster care, this makes little difference, but my parents didn't work. They have been on a government pension.

I had four main foster homes, and briefly lived back with my parents. In the main one, the foster father worked at an orange juice factory.

My real parents are now separated. I went back to live with them both when I was about 10 or so, and went back into foster care around 14 or so, and they fought constantly. It was not a pleasant experience. When I was about 12 or 13 my mother and I ran away from my father (we had ran away before but we didn't come back this time), because he was far too controlling and in general just horrible to live with. I later found out he was more abusive to my mother when I was not home. Sorry to go so deep. Anyway, I don't have contact with them anymore. I have no interest in them.

What makes me ecstatic? I don't know. Nothing really. I vaguely enjoy the thrill of figuring things out and learning new interesting things about the universe. Hence why I am studying science. It seemed like the only thing that would both challenge me and keep my interest while being objective. (I didn't choose physics lol). I do like what I'm studying, but it's a lot of work. Recently I've had some issues which I call 'brain fog' which is basically bad short and long term memory, difficulty concentrating, mental fatigue all day, general mental decline. But it has alleviated somewhat and made learning easier. It's just a lot of work. But I want a degree. I couldn't find work before I went to uni so I can't go back to that life of stagnation. Since I only have 1.5 years to go, I want to finish. I think I'll take a few computer classes because I like computers, and they will count towards my degree. I don't think I want to do years of schooling to be a poorly paid over worked scientist, so I will not be going for a PhD.

I taught myself to speak French, and have dabbled in other languages. I find the process somewhat fun, and speaking and using it quite fun.

When I was 15 I programmed a fair bit in my spare time and found it challenging and fun, but I decided that it was going to make me unattractive and live a boring life. I really regret giving it up for such silly reasons. I enjoyed it and it would be a great skill to have. I didn't know the whole world would get programming mad. Back then no one talked about it; it was nerdy. And I was trying to be less nerdy. I've been considering taking it back up as a hobby.

I really admire people who have some intense passion in some field. I want that kind of purpose.

I often read and listen to podcasts on investing, finance, business and economics. That might be an option, but I kind of want to build something, make something, do something important.

And of course, I dabble in philosophy.

I've been asking myself recently what I would like to do purely for fun, and I can't think of anything. And then I feel worried that if I can't identify why I like something then I'm engaging in whim worship.

And of course, girls are nice.

Peter,

JTS does make a good point, even though I think he takes it a bit too far. Along those lines, it is definitely worth getting a physical checkup. First, it's just good practice, even though you are young, to get in the habit of having regular wellness and preventative maintenance visits with a medical professional. Given your obsessive nature, it may even be a plus. Mark that set of worries off your list, so to speak. Second, if there's any doubt or question about your feelings having a physical origin, you can address that. Believe it or not, I once was treated for depression when in fact, I was suffering from mononucleosis!

Now, stop comparing yourself to others. Yes, I have absolutely met people who seem to have it all together. I've even been mistaken for that type of person, and there's the rub. You're probably mistaken about those people. Nobody has it all together. Everybody's got something, some fear, some neurosis, some tic, some worry, something. There is nothing new under the sun, and you are not alone in feeling out of whack.

There is something truly monumental that you have going for you, and that is self-awareness. The fact that you can articulate your own nature and are questioning the "rightness" of it means that you've already achieved a level of emotional intelligence that a lot of people never even know they are missing. Good for you!

Talking to girls... well, again, nothing new under the sun. A 24-year-old who is uncomfortable talking to girls seems perfectly natural and normal. Thing is, you probably really don't have much to talk to girls about. There's two solutions to that. 1) Don't talk about yourself. Talk about her. Ask lots of questions. Let her talk. Be interested in her. 2) Go do some stuff! Experience things. Read something, learn something, do something you've never done before. It won't take long until you have lots to talk about. (I'll add a bonus tip here - stop worrying about your worthiness and start thinking about her worthiness.)

There's nothing wrong with being serious-minded. There's not even anything wrong with being obsessive assuming we're not talking about an actual disorder. There's nothing wrong with sometimes feeling unworthy or a little lost. Perhaps your anxiety and stress are a symptom of not accepting that these things are okay. The next step after self-awareness is self-acceptance.

Thank you. This was helpful. I have a girlfriend now, but it still bothers me that if I were to be single I'd be a dead fish in the water in terms of females lol.

[anthony]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

[Brant Gaede]

Peter, there is serious likelyhood your "brain fog" has to do with either a nuitritional deficiency or an allergy related to a basic food group such as diary or cereal (wheat).

--Brant

[Nerian]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Peter, there is serious likelyhood your "brain fog" has to do with either a nuitritional deficiency or an allergy related to a basic food group such as diary or cereal (wheat).

--Brant

Thank you for the suggestion. I've considered almost anything you can think of, but without much result. To the point where people think I'm looney. Anyway, I'm booked in to do a sleep study to check my quality of sleep or whether I have sleep apnea.

[anthony]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Why? what do you think that'll do for you?

[Nerian]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Why? what do you think that'll do for you?

Isn't it obvious. I'm a straight male.... Allow me to meet and seduce attractive girls. And have lots of fun. Thrilling feelings of physical contact and intimate interactions with an attractive woman. And ultimately, with those who want to, I'd be able to have an awesome sex life. I'd also feel wanted, I suppose.

[moralist]

When I was 15 I programmed a fair bit in my spare time and found it challenging and fun, but I decided that it was going to make me unattractive and live a boring life. I really regret giving it up for such silly reasons. I enjoyed it and it would be a great skill to have. I didn't know the whole world would get programming mad. Back then no one talked about it; it was nerdy. And I was trying to be less nerdy. I've been considering taking it back up as a hobby.

Nothing prevents you from returning to continue your exploration of that technology, especially if you have ideas which are outside the box. My son in law has an insatiable innovative curiosity in that field and owns his own company. I create, design, manufacture, and market aftermarket performance auto accessories on a small scale as a hobby because I'm a gearhead, and enjoy artistic expression of the creative process. It's no end of fun!

I really admire people who have some intense passion in some field. I want that kind of purpose.

Just explore without overthinking the issue and let your own interests naturally lead you to your calling, and don't be surprised if it's not only one.

The best clue I can offer is to look for something you liked to do when you were just a little kid. That's where the origin of your natural interests can be found.

And when you find it... you'll know it.

Greg

[Brant Gaede]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Peter, there is serious likelyhood your "brain fog" has to do with either a nuitritional deficiency or an allergy related to a basic food group such as diary or cereal (wheat).

--Brant

Thank you for the suggestion. I've considered almost anything you can think of, but without much result. To the point where people think I'm looney. Anyway, I'm booked in to do a sleep study to check my quality of sleep or whether I have sleep apnea.

May be the problem, but be careful for sleep apnea is the latest fad and they may be overdoing it. Decades ago it was hyer (or hypo) gycemia.

--Brant

[moralist]

Jerry writes:I have a theory that most psychological problems are caused by physical health problems.

...and I have a theory that most physical problems are caused by psychological health problems.

In other words, it's probably a hardware problem, not a software problem. If the hardware is okay (physical health is good) and it's really a software problem, then maybe it's bad premises (defective operating system).

Yes. There's validity to exploring with both methods. And that's a very good objective emotionally neutral "troubleshooting" approach, as if you're fault diagnosing a machine.Greg

[Selene]

Excellent advice. I heard a fine sermon by a "young" priest that made that point with a stunning performance.

He asked the adults in the audience to close their eyes for several minutes and think back to when they 5,6,7, and 8 and asked them what they loved to do...and then he snapped them out of that reverie with "Why aren't you doing that now!"

The best clue I can offer is to look for something you liked to do when you were just a little kid. That's where the origin of your natural interest can be found.

And when you find it... you'll know it.

Greg

[anthony]

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Why? what do you think that'll do for you?

Isn't it obvious. I'm a straight male.... Allow me to meet and seduce attractive girls. And have lots of fun. Thrilling feelings of physical contact and intimate interactions with an attractive woman. And ultimately, with those who want to, I'd be able to have an awesome sex life. I'd also feel wanted, I suppose.

Well - nothing's obvious on a forum. On a philosophical one, especially, you'd have to explain yourself further .

"Fun"? I bet many of us notched up many 'conquests' in out time, chasing our tails for tail (so to speak), and also mostly found it to be basically empty.

Awesome sex life?

You find the best gradually, over time, with one person you know well and like a lot, respect, and trust - or maybe even, love.

To "feel wanted", is getting down to the nitty-gritty, I think. Believe me or not, you won't derive any sense of belonging, acceptance - and especially not self-esteem - from being attractive to many women.

Find that sense of selfhood, by your self and for yourself; paradoxically and ironically, that will be what really attracts women - as a by-product - when you don't even need their attention any more.

[moralist]

Adam writes:

Excellent advice. I heard a fine sermon by a "young" priest that made that point with a stunning performance.

He asked the adults in the audience to close their eyes for several minutes and think back to when they 5,6,7, and 8 and asked them what they loved to do...and then he snapped them out of that reverie with "Why aren't you doing that now!"

Exactly.

Why don't people simply do what they loved to do as children? I do today what I did when I was a kid, and my work is play. I'll never retire and will do it until I'm dead.

Greg

[Selene]

Lol good advice...

Before you utter the phrase "I love you." You better damn be sure of the "I" part of the phrase...

Guess Hank Aaron didn't like this version!

[anthony]

Adam: Very true. And seems to me, it stands as true for- "*I* want/desire you".

[Selene]

Adam: Very true. And seems to me, it stands as true for- "*I* want/desire you".

Yes, ageed.

The hard part is for both [or the group] to come with open hands and not mislead one another.

However, as we all should know, "love is blind" and you can really fool yourself in a lot of places between love, want and desire.

One could argue that the "best" is when all three are synchronous, however, want and desire can make a wonderful weekend.

A...

[Nerian]

Adam writes:

Excellent advice. I heard a fine sermon by a "young" priest that made that point with a stunning performance.

He asked the adults in the audience to close their eyes for several minutes and think back to when they 5,6,7, and 8 and asked them what they loved to do...and then he snapped them out of that reverie with "Why aren't you doing that now!"

Exactly.

Why don't people simply do what they loved to do as children? I do today what I did when I was a kid, and my work is play. I'll never retire and will do it until I'm dead.

Greg

I can't play Pokemon for a living

You want to be appealing and attractive to all the girls, or just one?

I want to be appealing to some proportion of the attractive ones.

Why? what do you think that'll do for you?

Isn't it obvious. I'm a straight male.... Allow me to meet and seduce attractive girls. And have lots of fun. Thrilling feelings of physical contact and intimate interactions with an attractive woman. And ultimately, with those who want to, I'd be able to have an awesome sex life. I'd also feel wanted, I suppose.

Well - nothing's obvious on a forum. On a philosophical one, especially, you'd have to explain yourself further .

"Fun"? I bet many of us notched up many 'conquests' in out time, chasing our tails for tail (so to speak), and also mostly found it to be basically empty.

Awesome sex life?

You find the best gradually, over time, with one person you know well and like a lot, respect, and trust - or maybe even, love.

To "feel wanted", is getting down to the nitty-gritty, I think. Believe me or not, you won't derive any sense of belonging, acceptance - and especially not self-esteem - from being attractive to many women.

Find that sense of selfhood, by your self and for yourself; paradoxically and ironically, that will be what really attracts women - as a by-product - when you don't even need their attention any more.

Well you've already done it. I haven't got any conquests haha. Clearly you've gotten it out of your system. Maybe I need to chase tail to get it out of my system. I agree one mustn't derive one's whole self worth, self esteem and happiness from the opinions of other people and especially not based on whether or not girls like you. I guess what I want is a body that I feel good in and strong pride, self esteem and positivity. I believe I've been making some progress towards these ends.

[dldelancey]

I guess what I want is a body that I feel good in and strong pride, self esteem and positivity.

Take note that this statement does not require the approval or admiration of anyone but yourself. It's about what you want and how you feel. Girls being attracted to you is a byproduct. If you're making progress towards this, my only question then would be what are you doing to make your character as worthy as your physique?

[moralist]

Peter writes:

I can't play Pokemon for a living

Ah, but you could learn how to BUILD your own Pokémon games to play.

Today the gaming industry creates more wealth than the movie industry. It's one of the most vital creative innovative and prosperous economic sectors in history.

By the way, is your avatar a depiction of a hydrogen atom?

I think that idea is really neato.

Greg

[Nerian]

Peter writes:

I can't play Pokemon for a living

Ah, but you could learn how to BUILD your own Pokémon games to play.

Today the gaming industry creates more wealth than the movie industry. It's one of the most vital creative innovative and prosperous economic sectors in history.

By the way, is your avatar a depiction of a hydrogen atom?

I think that idea is really neato.

Greg

Haha, true. In fact, when I was 14-16 I started to program originally because I wanted to make games.

Yes, it is! Well spotted. It's Dr. Manhattan's symbol. He put it on himself and said, "if I am to have a symbol, it shall be one I respect."

[Nerian]

I guess what I want is a body that I feel good in and strong pride, self esteem and positivity.

Take note that this statement does not require the approval or admiration of anyone but yourself. It's about what you want and how you feel. Girls being attracted to you is a byproduct. If you're making progress towards this, my only question then would be what are you doing to make your character as worthy as your physique?

Good point.

Good questions. I have been working very recently on my mood, cultivating a positive attitude, and most critically taking action and not procrastinating. I think constantly, (practically compulsively I can't stop), but I must start taking action. Also, I think I have some mild internet addiction which wastes a lot of time so I'll need to address that, but at least I'm often listening to or reading interesting content. I don't like that seeing my reflection in glass in public can totally ruin my entire mood so quickly. That might be more a problem of me placing so much value on my appearance. I know it's not the most important thing but it's such a sub-conscious reaction. And I need to work on my 'pride' by holding myself to a high standard more. Emotions... I need to not put them down and listen to them more. Also, I'm working on being able to enjoy things more and be able to do things I simply enjoy for their own sake without a feeling of guilt or dread that there is something else I should be doing.

For the past year I've had some pretty troubling "brain fog" issues but recently it has been a little better.

Thank you all for your inputs.

[moralist]

Peter writes:

Yes, it is! Well spotted. It's Dr. Manhattan's symbol. He put it on himself and said, "if I am to have a symbol, it shall be one I respect."

Superheroes are good because they embody noble qualities we admire and seek to cultivate in ourselves. They are our modern mythology.

It fascinates me how a hydrogen atom can be so simple and yet so universal that you could go to the outer fringes of the universe and find exactly the same kind of atom.

Greg

[Brant Gaede]

It fascinates me how a hydrogen atom can be so simple and yet so universal that you could go to the outer fringes of the universe and find exactly the same kind of atom.

Greg

No you can't.

--Brant

it's different