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caroljane

ASK EMILE

67 posts in this topic

Hockey etiquette expert Emile Goalpost answers all your questions

Dear Emile,

I recently got promoted and one of my new responsibilities is to help entertain clients in our corporate box at hockey games. I don't know much about the sport (I'm from Long Island originally) and I'm anxious to make a good impression.

One of my colleagues suggested that I should put an octopus in my pants and when the fans start booing, pull it out and throw it down on the ice. Is this a good idea?

Rising Young Exec

Dear Rising,

Octopus throwing is an acceptable spectator activity and might well make a big impression on your guests, if you follow the etiquette guidelines carefully.

First, make sure you select a dead octopus. Octopi are wily creatures and many a novice has been fooled by one who was merely pretending to be dead until it got to the arena, causing embarrassing and in some cases incriminating situations which could have been avoided. If no dead octopus is obtainable, a large squid is a reasonable substitute.

Don't try to be too fancy when throwing. Simply grab a tentacle firmly, swing your octopus in a complete circle and release to soar onto the rink. (You might want to practice beforehand with a rubber facsimile (plastic is too light).

DO NOT aim at any of the players or officials, except Zdeno Chara and that s.o.b. linesman Pierre leChien who robbed us of last week's game.

Final tip, wear a long topcoat.to conceal possible tentacle slippage until you are safe in your seat.

Relax and enjoy!

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Carol:

That is tentacle and not testicle correct?

Adam

ballsy questioner

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People used to throw plastic rats on the ice whenever the Panthers scored.

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Carol:

That is tentacle and not testicle correct?

Adam

ballsy questioner

Yes.. I've heard you have at times gotten the two confused. There's a reason your photo is up at all the security checkpoints at the Joe Louis Arena. Not even the cephalopods are safe from you!

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People used to throw plastic rats on the ice whenever the Panthers scored.

Plastic -- what else could you expect when you try to play hockey in the degenerate south. Bettman, what have you wrought?

Real fans throw real rodents!

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Real fans throw real rodents!

Hee hee. This was one of their first seasons, and what happened was there was a rat in the locker room, and one of the players chased it down with his hockey stick and killed it. The story got into the papers, and next thing you know people are throwing rats onto the ice.

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Real fans throw real rodents!

Hee hee. This was one of their first seasons, and what happened was there was a rat in the locker room, and one of the players chased it down with his hockey stick and killed it. The story got into the papers, and next thing you know people are throwing rats onto the ice.

Great story. The Panthers are a good team, they're leading their division now. Unlike Toronto and Detroit (PDS's team)

which are second. Not that it will last. Hockey is one area where rational economics go out the window. The wretched Leafs have sucked for forty plus years and they are the richest team in the entire NHL.

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octopus-ice-hockey_1887774i.jpg

I had no idea people had this much fun at hockey games. I'll have to go more often.

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octopus-ice-hockey_1887774i.jpg

I had no idea people had this much fun at hockey games. I'll have to go more often.

Well, you're in LA - I guess you'll have to throw Kardashians. Maybe one of them can get hold of a pro athlete who is actually employed.

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Seriously, going to hockey games as opposed to watching on TV, really is more fun. Not only because of the group vibe and fan energy. For actually watching and absorbing the whole game. You just do not get the whole experience of the play itself, unless you are there. This view is not original with me, many sportswriters have noted it (OK mostly Canadian ones, but most American ones have never watched hockey at all). A football game for example can be followed and absorbed on TV, as if you were watching from a top tier seat. Of course you would miss the tailgate parties.

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Carol:

Actually, your theory applies to Football, Baseball, Basketball, Tennis and almost all sports that I can think of.

Adam

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Carol:

Actually, your theory applies to Football, Baseball, Basketball, Tennis and almost all sports that I can think of.

Adam

Really? I do know about basketball. I only watched it live through high school and university years, then on TV, and really there was no difference (it is the one game whose mechanics I know, having played it albeit execrably).

It may be a logistical thing. A basketball court is relatively small and the action is concentrated in a small area. A hockey rink is large, and in the view of many, including me, should be larger. The action is continuous. What is happening or not happening where the puck isn't, is as important as what is happening where the puck is.. but the camera can only follow the puck.

Football is agonizingly slow and watching hordes milling around with headsets does not contribute to a spectator's knowledge of what they are watching. Lipreading a hockey coach who is offcamera is hugely instructive.

Also, getting a good view of both benches which is easy on-site, is much better than dugout shots.

Probably this is why hockey is an old-schol, bums on seats business while soccer for example aims to be a virtual experience, with billions of fans who will never ever see their adored team play for real. Sad, really.

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Dear Emile,

I am a very talented excellent very good player. My coach just got fired and everybody blaming me. Not my fault! They say I not listen to him and put fingers in my ears and sing "Song of the Volga Boatmen" while he is talking, also roll my eyes, Not true. It is not my fault I do not understand English or French altthough I try very hard, also I do not understand Russian except my dialect of my village, Weirdsk-upon-the Volga.

What to do about my jealous teammates?

Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering.

Try backchecking once in a while, you monumental baby.

There are many retired NHLers who do not speak any known language and have had highly successful careers. If they could get over themselves , you can.

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They say I not listen to him and put fingers in my ears and sing "Song of the Volga Boatmen" while he is talking, also roll my eyes, Not true.

Nothing a little balalaika music with a vodka chaser can't fix.

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They say I not listen to him and put fingers in my ears and sing "Song of the Volga Boatmen" while he is talking, also roll my eyes, Not true.

Nothing a little balalaika music with a vodka chaser can't fix.

OMG! Total Slavic Bliss! We sang this one in Chorus in Grade 10.. Paul Robeson is way better than Dickie Lebordeau was, even though as the only true bass in the entire school, he was pretty good.

I am going out right now to get some Matriona dolls to throw at the Red Wings.

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Mon Cher Emile Goalpost,

When I hang out among other hockey fans in za stadium, in parking lot, in watering holes I would like to stand tall even zo I am five feet and three hundred pounds of woman.

I still 'ave all my fron teeth, good skin, and am semi-literate. Is problem? Je dois take claw hammer to face?

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Mon Cher Emile Goalpost,

When I hang out among other hockey fans in za stadium, in parking lot, in watering holes I would like to stand tall even zo I am five feet and three hundred pounds of woman.

I still 'ave all my fron teeth, good skin, and am semi-literate. Is problem? Je dois take claw hammer to face?

Chere Madame,

I see that you are writing from Florida, where the large number of snowbirds and Quebecois and those 62 Tampa Bay fans does indeed make it difficult to make your "brand" distinct among the other 300-lb. puck bunnies.

Standing tall should be no problem if you are creative. You could wear stilts and a Chara jersey. Or less drastically, put skate guards on your high heels

As to makeup - thank you for enclosing your photo. I think a goalie mask with an intriguing motif, "Halloween" perhaps, would be the best solution.

Bonne chance,

Emile.

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Dear Emile,

My boyfriend is a wonderful guy and our relationship is very good except for one area, his undershorts.

He is a big hockey fan and our local team is not doing well, and he has vowed not to change his "lucky" (Ha! the team is at the bottom of the league!) shorts until they get into the playoffs.

I don't say he doesn't wash them, he just won't change them. I have pointed out to him that they are "Jockey Shorts" not "Hockey Shorts."(he isn't a big reader). I have said, look, you can hardly even call them shorts anymore, they are pretty much rags. Once I suggested that he just take them off, carry them in his pocket, and go commando, but he started shrieking and went home to his mother and did not come back for two weeks.

Emile, what else can I do? I've tried everything. You are my last hope.

Wits' End,

Columbus, Ohio

Dear Wits,

You poor, poor girl.

In my hockey career as Assistant Equipment Manager for the Manitoba Moose I heard many, many stories similar to yours. You are not alone.

I will give it to you straight. You can do nothing about the underwear, and if you keep pressing the issue you might damage the team's chances, so you must desist.

The best course for your relationship is to encourage your boyfriend to pursue other interests. Hockey fandom in Columbus is an utterly lonely, misunderstood and even ridiculed pursuit, you should be more supportive of what your boyfriend goes through. And encourage him to join another group which is more mainstream and universally accepted, like an Objectivist club.

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Nicely done Carol...set up quite well!

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" And encourage him to join another group which is more mainstream and universally accepted, like an Objectivist club."

Yes but based on my encyclope-dick knowledge of Oists everywhere, in Ohio wearing constraining underwear is also frowned on in such a group. It is known as the Sanction of the Prickdom. (Let the boys out.)

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" And encourage him to join another group which is more mainstream and universally accepted, like an Objectivist club."

Yes but based on my encyclope-dick knowledge of Oists everywhere, in Ohio wearing constraining underwear is also frowned on in such a group. It is known as the Sanction of the Prickdom. (Let the boys out.)

Wow! there's gotta be a category for this.

-BOW Committee

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..... but he started shrieking and went home to his mother and did not come back for two weeks.

Dear Emile,

The above is a perfectly normal reaction. I did this the day I came home to find that my wife had removed all 17 of my Coffey posters from our bedroom.

You were too easy on Wits. Your advice to her should simply have been, "Grow up, lady!"

- Mother Knows Best in Michigan

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Dear Emile,

Help! I have just started dating a wonderful new guy and I think he is the One! My problem is, he is a professional hockey player and I am do not know anything about sports, let alone hockey and I do not want him to think I am stupid, at least I am somewhat stupid but I do not want him to find that out just yet. . so I need a crash course. I asked him what his job is and he said "utility player". What is that?

So In Love , Littlemoose, Yukon

Dear Silly,

A utility player is someone who cannot play offense or defense but is usually able to skate most of the time. Watch the recent Red Wings game against Vancouver and you will get the idea.

Don't worry about your boyfriend discovering that you are stupid. If he is who I suspect from the clues in your original unedited letter, he will not find out for a long, long time.

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Hockey etiquette expert Emile Goalpost answers all your questions

Dear Emile,

I recently got promoted and one of my new responsibilities is to help entertain clients in our corporate box at hockey games. I don't know much about the sport (I'm from Long Island originally) and I'm anxious to make a good impression.

One of my colleagues suggested that I should put an octopus in my pants and when the fans start booing, pull it out and throw it down on the ice. Is this a good idea?

Rising Young Exec

Dear Rising,

Octopus throwing is an acceptable spectator activity and might well make a big impression on your guests, if you follow the etiquette guidelines carefully.

First, make sure you select a dead octopus. Octopi are wily creatures and many a novice has been fooled by one who was merely pretending to be dead until it got to the arena, causing embarrassing and in some cases incriminating situations which could have been avoided. If no dead octopus is obtainable, a large squid is a reasonable substitute.

Don't try to be too fancy when throwing. Simply grab a tentacle firmly, swing your octopus in a complete circle and release to soar onto the rink. (You might want to practice beforehand with a rubber facsimile (plastic is too light).

DO NOT aim at any of the players or officials, except Zdeno Chara and that s.o.b. linesman Pierre leChien who robbed us of last week's game.

Final tip, wear a long topcoat.to conceal possible tentacle slippage until you are safe in your seat.

Relax and enjoy!

Dear Emile,

I wrote to you for advice recently and would like to follow-up and let you know how it worked out for me.

Soon after I got your reply my big chance came. We were entertaining a big VIP, so big they would not tell us who it was! Me and Rob Schmerk got picked to go with the CEO and COO and VP-CR and that schmuck Schmerk pretended to be like all shocked that I got picked and rolling his eyes and stuff. Anyway I only had time to get down to the fish market and no time to practise, I did make sure it was dead though, thanks Emile! The first one they tried to sell me was wriggling a little.

Luckily I had a topcoat, it was my uncle Morrie's but good quality. Of course when we met at the arena Schmerk pointed out that everybody else was wearing Wings jerseys why not me I said I thought my Holmstrom helmet would provide contrast, I like to think outside the box. The CEO raised his eyebrows at that! I think in an approving way.

Then the VIP arrived and we all went into the box and the game started. It was a woman, with a whole lot of security around I could not see who. Whenever I got a chance to lean in and look Schmerk would shove his stupid self in and offer to get more beer. Then everything happened real fast like in a movie. Everybody was booing real loud and looking at the rink and I just thought "This is your chance" and I stood up and took the octupus out of my pants and I threw it. What a feeling.

I didn't see where it landed, it's unclear until after the investigation, but the VIP stood up laughing and said, 'That was great" and you know who it was Hillary Clinton!

The CEO and COO and everybody started laughing too and clapping me on the back. Schmerk, that weasel, said slimily to the Secretary of State, "That was gracious of you to pretend you didn't notice his bulging pants."

She smiled and said, "What bulging pants?"

The CEO whispered to me, "You can pull them back up now, son."

Thanks, Emile.

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Cher Emile, I have nowhere else to turn. It is a long time since I am here in this room scratching the days on the wall. They let me wear clothes now and have given me a TV so that I can see that the world has forgotten me. They have put somebody into my uniform and everybody is pretending it is me, though any fool can see that idiot cannot forecheck and takes stupid penalties like I would never do, and misses the goal when the goalie is begging for it, it makes me grind my teeth in rage to watch, but there is nothing else to watch what can I do

I refuse to go mad. The girls come in after closing time and they are very nice girls, they offer a terrific discount but I am a married man, at least as far as I know, and I will remain faithful until I can't stand it anymore. One of the girls is very intellectual and I am teaching her French and she is teaching me poledancing. It is not the best workout for my hockey muscles but it is better than nothing.

Emile, the girls are working on a plan to take me on an outing to the roller rink. It is roller skating but it is still skating, I would go in disguise. I want to try to make a break there and escape, but then I would get the girls in trouble. I need to be free, but I am afraid nobody cares anymore except Mama and Uncle Raoul, and I cannot arrange for them to be nearby at the Rollerama.

What do you think I should do? Please answer soon, I must be seen to be watching Road to Avonlea on TV at 7 as usual or they will start to suspect something. I have asked for Les Belles Histoires but they just jest cruelly.

En desespoir

Vincent LeC.

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